“Of course, you’ll be lost.” I swallow down the lump choking my words.
Finn touches my face. “I won’t be lost. I can cope with the everyday; I just need you to be safe. Things are about to change in the world.”
“What? What’s changing? Because of what Alek’s doing?”
Instead of his usual gazing in the opposite direction he does when I ask a question he doesn’t want to answer, Finn studies me. The intensity of his gaze heats my face as if he is touching my skin. He leans forward and kisses my brow, at a spot between my eyes that soothes. This physical closeness to Finn, for him to finally touch me without the ice and the fog, hurts. The pain of the cold is replaced by a confusing ache. I rewind to the last time I was here, when Finn took away my fear and hurt. I want the man who saved my life by giving me a half-life to take away that fear again, and I want to hold him because I understand how he’s suffering for his choices. I wrap my arms around Finn’s hard chest, but he stiffens and peels my hands away.
“Don’t, Rose. Please.” His eyes reflect the depth of his hurt and I know the one way I can help him.
“Okay,” I whisper. “Help me survive.”
For a moment, I think Finn is going to take hold of me again, but instead he buries his hands in his jacket pockets and nods. Returning to his familiar, expressionless demeanour, Finn doesn’t look at me as he steps away and approaches my crumpled body on the roadside.
Finn strokes the hair of the girl on the ground, and the choking tears flow as I understand what this means to him. He’s lost because he did this for me and now he’s sealing his fate by repeating the action. Finn will lose who he is exactly as I did. What tears at and twists around my heart is Finn reached out to me and opened up about how he feels but knows he can never touch me again. If he does, he’ll lose me forever.
Chapter 29
ROSE
When I was ten, I lived and breathed Alice in Wonderland. I wandered around the countryside hoping to find a white rabbit to chase, picturing the ‘eat me’ cake, and wondering what the ‘drink me’ would taste like. I never found any, so I made my own. I insisted on dressing like the girl in the pictures and I wore my blonde hair the same too. Now, as I regain consciousness and focus on the blurry ceiling above, my chest tightens, surging with the relief. I did fall down the rabbit hole and my own Wonderland creatures of Reapers and demons came from a head injury pushing me into a childhood fantasy.
The low voice and footsteps around filter in with the familiar hospital ward smells of disinfectant and soap. I blink away the remaining stickiness from my eyes and smile against the blurring tears.
The nightmare wasn’t real.
I don’t hurt anywhere and when I lift my arm to touch my head, there are no IV lines attached. Last time I woke up, there were lines - and for weeks afterwards. Last time? Twisting my head to one side, I see a wooden bedside cabinet but nothing monitoring my health. Beyond the cabinet, I can see a blue curtain drawn between me and the next occupant. There’s no weakness in my limbs when I push myself to sit, the hospital pillow crinkling behind, and I turn my head to look on the other side of the bed. Sitting on a plastic orange chair in front of the blue curtain is a tall man with blonde hair. He watches me warily with familiar blue eyes.
“Finn?” My voice croaks.
“Rose. Are you feeling okay?” He stands but doesn’t approach.
The shattering of my dream back into a nightmare is too much to handle. I turn and bury my head into the pillow, forcing my anguished tears into the material so nobody else can see or hear. At least I can be sure he won’t attempt to comfort me. After a few minutes, I wipe my face into the pillow and turn back to an alarmed Finn. I pull myself up and wrap my arms around my legs, refusing to speak to him.
“Did I do the wrong thing?” he asks. “You said it was okay for me to help you again. I couldn’t leave you.”
“That’s the whole problem, isn’t it? You wouldn’t leave me the first time.”
He stares at his shoes. Finn’s face is paler than usual, his quiet sadness palpable.
I push my hair from my face and look around for my clothes. I need to find Alek. “Why am I in hospital?”
“You’re under observation in Emergency. I told them I found you unconscious and called an ambulance,” he says, and then adds quietly, “I wasn’t going to leave you by the side of the road.”
Beneath my hospital gown, the scars on my arms are the same as yesterday. If it was yesterday I was last in the world? Pink but healed. “But I’m not injured?”
“No.”
“So, I can go?”
Finn sighs. “Yes. Lucky for you, I’m a nurse and can vouch for your readiness for discharge.”
I laugh softly at the way he talks like a textbook sometimes. “You’ll take me home?”
“Home?”
I swallow. “Back to Alek’s house.”