“But with chemo and radiation?” Murph asked. “What then?”
The oncologist’s compassion was so evident, his sympathy so tender, that though Nancy irrationally wanted to hate him for what he revealed next, she could not muster even anger. “One year is with chemo and radiation,” Sanjay Chandra said. “And your daughter’s cancer is already very advanced.”
After she woke from her nap, Bibi freshened up in the bathroom. Her face in the mirror surprised her. Sparkle in the eyes. Color in the cheeks and lips without benefit of makeup. She continued to look better than she felt, to the extent that she might have been staring not at a looking glass but into a parallel dimension where another, healthier Bibi Blair lived without a serious concern.
Having developed an appetite, she made her way back to bed to wait for the return of her parents and for dinner. The tingling along the left side of her body had grown less intense. The weakness in her left hand diminished, and not once did she find herself dragging her left foot. In the past few hours, she hadn’t suffered a recurrence of the foul taste.
She knew better than to conclude that the subsidence of her symptoms meant her affliction, whatever its cause, must be temporary. In spite of all its myriad wonders and its exquisite beauty, this world was a hard place; the comforts and joys that it offered, all the sublime moments, were purchased by days of quiet anxiety, by anguish, and by suffering. Such was the world that humanity had made for itself. Thus far in her life, she had enjoyed much more bliss than melancholy, more success than adversity, and she had for some time known that eventually she, like everyone, would have to walk through a fire of one kind or another. As long as she had a chance of coming out the other end intact, she would spare everyone her complaints, and she would not waste energy wishing for a magical resolution to this current plight.
For a while in Bibi’s childhood, she had believed in magic. A popular series of novels about young wizards mesmerized her, though certain other books had an even greater impact. Also, a few events in her life had suggested otherworldly presences, both light and dark. The dog, Olaf, came to her as if by magic, just when she needed him. And both before and after the golden retriever’s arrival, there had been incidents in the apartment above the garage that had seemed supernatural in nature.
Those experiences were long past, and time tended to cloud the shine on everything that had been wondrous in childhood. When she recalled those events, the once-shimmering mystery of them was now tarnished silver, and it became possible to suppose that there were logical explanations for what had happened back then.
When the dinner tray arrived at 5:15, she found the meal to be at such odds with the conventional image of hospital food that it almost renewed her belief in magic. A thick slice of meatloaf, creamy mashed potatoes, a little disposable foam thermos of hot gravy, mixed vegetables that didn’t taste as if they came out of a can…She tucked the paper napkin in the neck of her pajama top and ate with the enthusiasm of a hardworking lumberjack.
She was relishing the cherry cobbler and hot coffee when her parents at last returned. They were like two clever imposters, formed out of the goop inside an extraterrestrial seed pod, alike in every physical detail to the real Nancy and Murphy, but not quite able to get their attitudes and mannerisms correct. They smiled too much, and none of their smiles seemed genuine. All of Bibi’s life, her mom and dad had been blithe spirits. Now they seemed to be wired to bomb timers.
She wondered if they knew something that she didn’t. Probably not. Most likely, her hospitalization and disturbing symptoms were more than enough to leave Nancy and Murphy as unsettled as they were now. Go with the flow always proved to be a philosophy that worked only until the flow washed you up against a crisis so large it blocked the stream. The dears were at the moment both adrift and stranded.
Anyway, if they did know something bad, Bibi didn’t want to hear it from them. They would divulge it with too much emotion, and she would have to console them. When she met with Dr. Chandra in the morning, she wanted a calm environment and a clear head. Whatever was wrong with her, she would need to think, to understand her options. She would need to find the right door out of this dark place or, if her situation was more dire than she now knew, slip through the eye of Death’s needle and away before he sewed her into a shroud.