I reached up, unbuttoning his shirt so fast, one of the buttons snapped off. I ran my hands over his chest, delighting in the smooth contours of his muscles and the pounding of his heart. He leaned down, kissing me hungrily again, and his bare skin pressed to mine.
His skin smoldered against me, his mouth searched mine, and his arm was around me, holding me tighter still.
As we kissed, my heart swelled with happiness, and a surge of relief washed over me when I realized my first time would be with Finn. But that thought was immediately darkened when I realized something else. My very first time might be with Finn, but that would also be my only time with him.
I still had to marry Tove tomorrow. And even if I didn’t marry him, I could never be with Finn.
The last time I had really even seen Finn was at the night before my engagement party, nearly three months ago, when we had kissed in the library. He’d been horrified by what he’d done, that he’d let himself choose a moment with me over duty, even for a second. He’d left the palace as soon as he had chance.
The mission to track down the other changelings, he’d volunteered for, and part of me believed it was to get away from me. We’d barely said a word to each other in months. I had been without him, taking over the palace, training with Tove, and preparing for my wedding.
If I slept with Finn now, that’s exactly what would happen again, the same thing that always happens whenever we get close. He would vanish immediately. He hides away in shame and avoids me.
And I couldn’t bare that this time. I couldn’t give myself to someone completely only to have them disappear from my life. I needed him to be here with me, instead of leaving in shame. I needed Finn to choose me over duty, and the best he could offer me was one night.
Even if I slept with Finn tonight, it wouldn’t mean anything. He would be gone tomorrow, and I’d be even more heartbroken than before.
“What’s wrong?” Finn asked, noticing a change in me.
“I can’t,” I whispered. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Finn looked ashamed, and he scrambled to get off me. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry.” He stood and hurriedly buttoned his shirt.
“No, Finn.” I sat up, adjusting my dress. “You don’t have to be sorry, but… I can’t do this anymore.”
“I understand.” He smoothed out his hair and looked away from me.
“No, Finn, I mean…” I swallowed hard and let out a shaky breath. “I can’t love you anymore.”
He looked up at me, his eyes startled and hurt, but he said nothing. He only stood there for a moment.
“You said that I belong to somebody else tomorrow but you tonight, and that’s not how it works, Finn.” Tears slid down my cheeks, and I wiped them away. “I don’t belong to anyone, and you don’t get to just have a part of me when you can.
“And I know that’s never what you meant to do,” I said. “Neither of us meant for this. We were together when we could be. Hidden moments and stolen kisses. I get that. And I don’t blame you or anything, but… I can’t do that anymore.”
“I hadn’t…” Finn trailed off. “I never wanted this for you. I mean, this thing we’ve had going on, whatever it’s been. You deserve more than I would ever be able to give you, more than I would ever be allowed to love you.”
“I’m trying to change things,” I said. “And I’ll admit that part of it has been selfish. I wanted to repeal the laws so maybe someday we could have a chance to be together. But… I can’t count on that. And even if I can, I am marrying somebody else tomorrow. He’s a good man, and I won’t do this to him.”
“I wouldn’t expect any less of you, Princess,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you.” He walked to the door and paused before leaving, but he wouldn’t look back at me. “I wish you all the best for your marriage. I hope the two of you find nothing but happiness.”
After Finn left, I tried not to cry. Willa would be so upset with me if my face was red and puffy tomorrow. I went into my closet, fighting back tears as I changed out of my gown and put on pajamas. On my way back to my bed, I noticed the small box on my dresser, the present from Finn.
Slowly, I opened the box. It was a thin silver band with my birthstone, a garnet, in the center of a heart. And for some reason, the sight of it broke me down. I lay down on my bed and sobbed.
6. Altar
I wanted Matt to walk me down the aisle. He’d been the closest thing I had to a real parent for most of my life, but the other Trylle officials would have had a field day if he did. Marksinna Laurent would probably get me overthrown on the grounds of insanity.