He didn’t, of course, especially compared with her in her soft leather boots and coat and bright, clean blouse. Compound kids always had better clothes. His jeans and sweatshirt were worn and his sneakers falling apart. But she would never tell him that. She would only tell him what would make him feel good about himself. That was the way she was. She made him ache inside and want to tell her all the good things he had ever thought about her all at once, even the things that he didn’t think he could ever tell.
“How is everyone?” She steered him over to the concrete bench set against the far wall and sat him down.
“Good. All safe and sound. Owl sends her love. She misses you.
Almost as much as me.”
Tessa bit her lip. “I wish she could come back. I wish things weren’t so difficult.”
He nodded. “You could make things easier. You could come live with us. We don’t have a compound, but we don’t have a compound’s stupid rules, either.” He seized her hands. “Do it, Tessa! Come tonight! Become a Ghost! You belong out here with me, not inside those walls!”
She gave him a quick, uneasy grin. “You know the answer, Hawk. Why do you keep asking?”
“Because I don’t think your parents should dictate what you do with your life.”
“They don’t dictate what I do with my life. The choice to stay with them is mine.” Her lips compressed in a tight line of frustration. “I can’t leave until... My father would survive it, but my mother ... well, you know.
She isn’t the same since the fall. If she could walk again . . .”
She was stumbling all over herself, trying to get the words out.
Her mother had suffered a fall more than a year ago, a hard tumble off stairs onto concrete. She hadn’t walked since. It was an event that had changed everything for Tessa, who could barely bring herself to talk about it.
Hawk dropped his gaze. “If she could walk again,” he repeated.
Tessa shook her head. “It’s more than that. She’s crippled on the inside, too. She’s broken emotionally. Daddy and I are all she has. It would kill her if she lost either one of us.” She reached up and touched his cheek.
“You know all this. Why are we talking about it? Why don’t you change your mind, instead? Why don’t you come live with me? If you did, they might let Owl and the others come inside, too.”
His hiss of frustration betrayed his impatience. “You know they won’t let anyone come in from the streets. Especially kids.”
She gripped his hands. “They would if you married me. They would have to.
It’s compound law.”
She held him spellbound for a moment with the force of her grip and the intensity of her gaze, but then he shook his head. “Maybe they would allow me in, but not the others. A family sticks together. Besides, marriage is a convention that belongs in the past. It doesn’t mean anything anymore.”
“It means something to me.” She refused to look away. “It means everything.” She bent forward and kissed his lips. “What are we supposed to do, Hawk? Are we supposed to keep meeting like this for the rest of our lives? Is this what you want? One hour a week in a concrete windbreak?”
He shook his head slowly, eyes closed, feeling the press of her lips on his. It wasn’t even close to what he really wanted, but what you wanted wasn’t always what you got. Hardly ever, in fact. They’d had this discussion before—had it almost every time they met. She had begun talking about marriage only recently, however. It was a mark of how desperate she was to find a way to bring them together that she was willing to suggest it openly when she knew how he felt.
“Marriage won’t change anything, Tessa. I am already as married to you as I’ll ever be. Having an adult stand in front of us and say we’re married won’t make us any more so. Anyway, I can’t live inside a compound. You know that. I have to live on the streets where I can breathe. Someday you’ll want that, too. You’ll want it enough to come live with me, parents or not.”
She nodded more as if to placate than to agree, a sad smile escaping her tightly compressed lips. “Someday.”
He wanted to tell her that someday would never come. They had waited on it too long already. Until lately, their hopes and dreams had been enough. Time had slowed and all things had seemed possible. But now he was growing anxious. Tessa seemed no closer to him, no nearer than before. He saw their chances beginning to slip away and the weight of an uncertain world bearing down.
He exhaled in frustration. “Let’s talk about something else. I need your help. Tiger’s little sister, Persia, has red spot. She needs pleneten. I promised Tiger I would see if I could get her some.”
She looked down to where their hands were joined, and then up again. “I get to see you again tomorrow night if I can find some. I guess that’s reason enough to try.”
“Tessa . . .”
“No, don’t say anything else, Hawk. Words only get in the way. Just put your arms around me for a while. Just be with me.”