“Get me out of here.” Why is it so hard to get the words out? Only then do I realize I’m sobbing.
I’ve held it together all this time. I’ve held it together because I had to, carrying the grief and the fear even when I thought the weight would crush me. But now Theo’s here, and I can finally let go.
Theo hugs me tighter—so tightly that my feet lift off the ground—and he carries me off the dance floor, away from all the lights. He settles me on one of the long, low couches in the corner. I can’t stop crying, so he just holds me, his hands stroking my hair and my back. He rocks me back and forth as gently as he would a child. All around us, the club lights pulse, and the music and dancing roar on.
5
THE SIGHT OF THEO’S FACE, THE WARMTH OF HIS ARMS around me, make me feel as though everything should start getting better right away.
And maybe it would, if I hadn’t gotten so drunk that I made myself sick.
“That’s right,” Theo says, rubbing my back as I lean over the edge of the Millennium Bridge, where I have just vomited into the Thames. “Get that junk out of there.”
Shame has painted my face with heat. “I’m so humiliated.”
“What, because I saw you puke? Listen, if you saw me on my average Saturday night, you’d know this is nothing. When it comes to this kind of thing—I’m not throwing any stones. Let’s leave it at that.”
That’s more than a joke. Theo’s quicksilver mind has never totally concealed how wild he can be. Even though he never brought his problems into our house, I knew Mom and Dad had heard rumors about Theo getting wasted and sometimes going AWOL for hours, even a day at a time. They’d mentioned his “drinking,” though really they were worried about substances much, much less legal than his occasional cans of PBR. Even Paul had sometimes quietly suggested that Theo should slow down.
To hell with Paul. Tonight Theo’s in control, and he’s taking care of me. His hand is warm against my bare back as I stare down at the dark water of the river, trying to regain my composure.
Then I glimpse my fragmented reflection in the river, broken into pieces by the rippling water.
“Do you think this is the last thing Dad saw?” I whisper. My mouth tastes horrible. My body is weak. This is what failure feels like. “The river, right in front of him, like this?”
For a few long moments, Theo doesn’t answer. When he does, he sounds even wearier than I feel. “Don’t think about that.”
“I can’t help thinking about it.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t. Okay? Come on. Let’s get you home.”
“I hope it was. I hope Dad saw the river rushing up at him, and then—and then it was over.” My voice shakes. “Because that would mean he hit his head in the wreck, or when the car struck the water. Then he blacked out, or died right away. He wouldn’t have had time to be scared.” How long does it take to drown? Three minutes? Five? Long enough to be horrible, I feel sure. Long enough that I hope my dad never had to endure it. “It would be better if he never knew. Don’t you think?”
“Stop this.” Theo’s voice is rough; his hands slide around to my arms, and he grips me as if he’s scared I might throw myself over the rail. “Don’t do this to yourself. It doesn’t help.”
Theo’s wrong. I need to think about my father’s death. I can’t start grieving him yet; I need the pain to keep me angry. Sharp. Focused.
When we find Paul, the pain is what will give me the strength to finish him.
I pull one arm away from Theo so I can wipe my mouth. “Okay,” I say. “Let’s go home.”
We walk the rest of the way back to Aunt Susannah’s apartment. When the elevator starts moving upward, it makes my knees buckle—there’s still a lot of champagne in my system. Theo catches one of my elbows, and I lean my head against his shoulder for the rest of the ride.
As we come to the door, he whispers, “Not too late for me to get a hotel room.”
“If we’re quiet we won’t wake up Aunt Susannah,” I say as I press my palm against the electronic lock; it recognizes me, clicks open. “Anyway, I doubt she’d care.”
And I need Theo with me now more than I ever have before.
In the darkness, the white-on-white apartment is instead a silvery shade of blue, as if it were made of moonlight. Everything seems surreal as I silently guide Theo down the hallway and into my bedroom, and shut the door, sealing us in together.
The bedroom isn’t that big; the bed itself fills most of the space. There’s nowhere else for Theo to sleep but the floor, and nowhere else for him to sit, either. I tell myself I’m being stupid to think this is awkward—to imagine that he’s concentrating on anything other than the insane situation we’re in, that the flicker of attraction between us could even matter in the middle of all this.
Then our eyes meet, and I know—it’s not just me.
“Okay,” I say, gesturing toward the en suite. “I’m going to, uh, freshen up.”