She swayed again as though she’d like to lean against him. It was probably wishful thinking on his part. “Anything I can do to help?” he asked.
“Not really. I’m just disappointed. I knew Reece loved to play mind games with me. But I thought maybe this time would be different. I’m no closer to finding out what happened to my daughter than I was when I came last week. Even here, I’m an outsider. I—I wanted so much for my daughter to be alive. I tried not to count on it.” She looked up at him as though he could make her wishes come true.
He stilled—his blood, his breath, his entire being. He should tell her. He knew it was the right thing to do, just as if God had whispered it into his heart. He could imagine the joy breaking over her face, could see the shine in her eyes. But once she realized the full story, he’d lose his daughter. He couldn’t give up Caitlin, wouldn’t give her up. The adoption wouldn’t be legal because Hannah had never signed away her rights. Any court would give Caitlin back.
“Aren’t you going to say anything? Some platitude about it being God’s will that I’m alone? I’ve already got that, believe me. I know he’s rejected me.”
He found his voice. “I’m not going to help you have a pity party. You’re young and healthy. You can have more children.”
“I can’t.” She shoved him with the palms of her hands. “The trauma made it impossible.”
“I’m sorry, Hannah.” Talk about heaping guilt on his head. He was in possession of the only child she’d ever have. Something told him to trust God with the outcome, but putting such a dangerous thought into action proved too difficult. “God still loves you. Your grief is all that’s making you hold him at arm’s length. It wasn’t your fault. Evil will always be around. It had nothing to do with you.” Her eyes showed her pain. He cupped her cheek in his palm. “You’ll find the right guy, Hannah. Your marriage to Reece was over long ago, the night he threw you down the steps. Get him out of your life once and for all. You don’t have to be alone.”
She rested her face against his hand in a trusting gesture. “No?” she whispered.
He knew he was playing with fire, but his gaze went to her lips. She leaned forward ever so slightly, but the movement entranced him. This couldn’t be love. You didn’t fall in love with someone in two minutes. But he could imagine what it would be like to gather her close, to inhale the sweet scent of her, to taste her lips. He could see her in his house, could anticipate how exhilarating it would be to come home to her every day. She’d make a wonderful mother. Did he have the right to deny Caitlin such a wonderful mother?
He pulled away and looked down into her face. Her long lashes fluttered against her flushed cheeks. The words “I love you” trembled on his tongue, but it couldn’t be true. He was reacting to the physical attraction between them. Besides, once words like that were spoken, there was no going back.
A heavy veil fell between them, the weight of it palpable. The weight of the truth, the weight of deception. Dropping his hands from her shoulders, he stepped away.
“I think I’ll get some coffee.” If he looked back at her face, he would lose his courage. He nearly ran for the door.
A CHILL FILLED the vacuum around Hannah that was created by Matt’s departure. She wasn’t so naive she couldn’t recognize how her soul longed for him. He was drawn to her as well. If he hadn’t gone, she might have kissed him. In his arms, she’d be wrapped in safety. Secure. His wife had been a lucky woman. She clasped her arms around herself. She had no right to even think like this. At least not until she was free of Reece.
She sighed like a silly schoolgirl. Don’t think about him. He would drive her crazy. The thought of loving someone again scared her to death. But Matt was nothing like Reece. She had to remember most men would never hurt their wives the way he had hurt her.
She shut the barn door behind her and headed for the house. The sun had begun to slip down the horizon. Three cats came running to meet her, and she stooped to pet them. “Where’s Spooky?” she asked them. Marmalade meowed as if to tell her all about it, and Hannah smiled. She called to the missing cat, but the black ball of energy didn’t appear. He was probably off chasing a chipmunk.
Supper was nearly ready when she left the cats and went inside, but she knew better than to offer to help. Matt stood talking to Luca about fishing, and she let her gaze rest on him a moment. It didn’t matter if her expression reflected her feelings. He wasn’t paying attention.
When she turned away, she found Angie watching her. The amusement in Angie’s eyes made Hannah’s cheeks burn. “I think I’ll run upstairs and wash up,” she muttered.
“I’ll come with you.” Angie trotted after her. She caught up with Hannah at the top of the steps. “What’s going on with you and Matt?”
“Nothing.” Hannah went to their room and began to search for a fresh blouse.
Angie jerked a plain white blouse out of her hand. “Don’t wear that.” She began to rummage in the closet. “I’m not stupid. I can see how much you watch him, and he does the same to you.” She pulled out a taupe blouse that wrapped and had a V-neck. “Wear this.”
“I can’t wear that.” Hannah frowned as she held it up.
“It won’t show your boobs or anything. It will just flatter your shape and your coloring. Try it on. You want Matt to notice you, right? Aw, you’re blushing. You’re not used to going after the man you want, are you?”
Hannah pressed her palms against her hot cheeks. “If he wants me, he can take me the way I am. Besides, I’m still tied to Reece.”
“Legally, yes, but you’re never going back to an abuser. It doesn’t hurt to put a little chocolate on the fruit.” Angie jerked the blouse down over Hannah’s head. “Were you in the haymow with him?” She plucked a strand of hay from Hannah’s hair.
“I was in the haymow, but not with Matt.”
“Too bad.” Angie’s grin was sly.
“You’re terrible.”
“Just honest. Has he kissed you yet?”
Hannah ducked her head and didn’t answer. She tugged on the blouse and tried to look down to see how it fit. At least it didn’t show any cleavage.
“He has kissed you, hasn’t he? I bet he’s a great kisser.”
“No, he hasn’t! He’s got more integrity than that. I’m still married.” Hannah laughed it off, but her cheeks and neck felt as if they would burn up any minute.
“Okay, okay. Sit down on the stool a minute and let me do something with this mop of yours. You’ve got hay and chaff all through it.”
Hannah sank onto the stool. In minutes, debris littered the floor around her. She reached up and touched her hair. “I should put it up.”
“No, you should not. I didn’t cut it so you could wind it all up and hide it. You look terrific. Let’s go eat.”
A model on display couldn’t be any more self-conscious. Hannah followed Angie down the stairs. “Smells like beef and noodles with brown butter,” she said.
“It is.” Sarah didn’t look at her. “The table is ready for you and the children in the sitting room.”
Matt had seen her. His gaze followed her, and she hoped he didn’t think she was trying to attract him. Oh, who was she kidding—of course he knew. The whole family had to know. The new outfit was as blatant as a neon sign flashing “LOOK.” She practically ran from the room.
The children had their hands in their laps. “Naomi, would you like to pray?” Hannah asked in her rusty German.
Naomi nodded, and both little girls clasped their hands and bowed their heads. Hannah listened to the silence and remembered her own family. Luca had asked her not to endear the children to her, but she found it impossible not to talk to them and interact. By the time the meal was over, they were chattering to her as though she was their best friend. They helped her carry the plates back to the kitchen.
Luca stopped at the sink and glanced at her. “It’s good you have come back, Hannah. If there’s anything that belonged to your parents here, feel free to take it.”