I needed a fix and I needed it bad. Standing in the mall, I reviewed my options while nervously tugging the long sleeves of my shirt over my wrists to hide the scars there. Since it was a Sunday afternoon, nicely dressed kids trailed behind their equally neat parents in the packed mall. In my worn, dirty clothes from the day before, I stood out. The clerk in the drug store would certainly remember me from yesterday. I’d almost tipped over while waiting in line. When my turn came at the register, he’d looked me over and asked for my ID. His doubtful, long gaze at it had made my palms sweat. When he’d finally glanced up at me, he’d asked, “Are you sure you want these?”
I couldn’t go back to the same clerk. My ID was okay at a glance, but it wasn’t a great fake ID. And he’d wonder why I was back for more pills when what I purchased yesterday should have lasted at least three days.
Shifting from one foot to the other, I chewed on my nail knowing what I needed to do but hating it.
Dani and her friend, Cadence, loitered near the food court, talking. Dani stood six inches taller than me, had multicolored hair (pink and red today), and a cheek piercing to enhance her classic features. She’d get what I needed if I asked. I knew she had a soft spot for me despite her slightly tough appearance. She wouldn’t even ask for money though I did have it crumpled in my pocket. No, she was interested in something else as payment.
Everyone knew Dani swung the other way. Just like she knew I didn’t. But it didn’t stop her from asking for a kiss anyway. She didn’t demand a kiss from anyone else. The first time I asked for her help, I thought she was doing it to test me. To see if I was really serious about what I wanted her to buy. I’d been desperate. Yeah, I kissed a girl...and I didn’t like it.
If I was careful about when I bought, I didn’t need to ask her. I’d learned to be careful. I tried to wash up, change my clothes if there were any to change into; and I tried to close my eyes. Not to sleep. No, not that. I just tried to relax so I wouldn’t look like a troubled kid strung out on drugs. And I wasn’t. Strung out on drugs that is. I was definitely troubled. More troubled than anyone around me would ever guess.
I realized my train of thought had drifted and reined it back in. I needed caffeine, stimulants...whatever I could get my hands on over the counter to stay awake. Not forever. No. I tried to take thirty-minute naps throughout the day and night. If I did that, I could still function. Sort of. Not really. But it was better than the dreams.
Last night I’d finally succumbed. I’d slept twelve hours. I felt like crap today. I’d died again. Several times actually. I hated dying. The last one had been violent. Dogs that looked very human had torn me apart. They’d talked. Well, yelled really. They’d wanted me to choose. I didn’t know what.
A shiver ran through me. Just thinking about the dream made me tired. I ran my fingers through my oily, dark hair to comb it out, hoping it looked decent. I couldn’t remember my last shower and cringed at the thought of my mom seeing me like this. Thankfully, she worked. A lot. We communicated via notes left on the fridge. Mostly she told me to clean my room. I kept it strategically messy to help hide whatever it was I bought that week, day, hour, whatever... I sighed and rubbed my head. It ached constantly.
My wandering eyes shifted back to Dani. She watched me with a slight smile. She knew. I didn’t know how she could stand kissing me. I looked and felt like crap. At least I’d brushed my teeth before leaving the house. Stuffing my hands into the pockets of my faded, ripped jeans, I started making my way to Dani and the next torturous kiss.
“Bethi Pederson,” Dani said flashing her straight white teeth at me. A smile. Friendly, but the sight reminded me of the snarling gleam from my dream. I fought not to cringe.
“I didn’t think I’d see you any time soon.” Her eyes roved my face, and she angled her head. “You don’t look so good, hun. What’s up?”
“Same clerk as yesterday. Can you—”
She didn’t let me finish.
“Bethi, maybe you’d be better off coming home with me and sleeping for a few hours.”
Cadence rolled her eyes at Dani’s comment but said nothing. I could just image what would happen if I went home with Dani. Though, looking into her soft brown eyes, the concern there made me hesitate. Sure, she’d probably put a move on me, but I knew she’d also try to get me to rest. To help me. I really did like Dani, just not that way. If only she knew, sleeping was the last thing I needed. I needed peace. Two totally different things. The thought of someone helping me was tempting, but I knew I had to deal with this on my own.
“Thanks, Dani, but I can’t.” I pulled my hand out of my pocket and tried giving her the money.