Duane gritted his teeth and looked away, his eyes focusing on a spot behind me. Shifting on his feet, refusing to make eye contact, he appeared to be regretful. He was obviously wishing back his hastily shouted admission, and that made me immeasurably sad.
Meanwhile, none of my internal organs knew what to think. They wanted to have a He loves you! He finally said it! party, but the manner of his confession and immediate withdrawal afterward made my heart hesitate to place the catering deposit.
My voice wasn’t entirely steady as I asked, “Were you ever going to admit the truth if I hadn’t pissed you off?”
“We’re not discussing this.”
“Why not?” I cringed at how needy I sounded, how lost.
I finally had his eyes again, but now they were blazing with fury. “Because you’re leaving, and we’re over, and it’s pointless. That’s why!”
“And everything has to be perfect, right? Everything has to be just right. Heaven and all the angels forbid Duane Winston ever does anything without precision and guaranteed success.”
I must’ve struck a nerve, because his gaze morphed from heated to incensed, and he advanced on me. “Fine. Fuck yeah, I love you. What do you think this is all about?”
“Well, now we’re finally getting somewhere. In case you didn’t hear me the first hundred times, I love you, too!”
He ignored me, or maybe he didn’t hear me. “I look at you and I see my future, and it is something great. But I can’t do anything about the fact that our dreams don’t align. And since I do love you, I want you to live yours.”
He’d backed me into the bed, but I held my ground, catching his arm before he could turn away. “So what about you?”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Fine? Fine?! Screw fine!”
“Yes. Fine. I’ll be just fine knowing you’re somewhere in this world following your siren call.”
He was withdrawing again, so I held on to him tighter, not allowing him to turn away. “Why are you like this? Why do you insist on being so noble? Why does everything have to be defined?”
His chest rose and fell with a large breath, his eyes darting away, and I knew I was pushing him beyond his level of comfort. But I couldn’t help it.
I tried softening my voice, coaxing, “Duane, I have been nothing but honest with you. The least you can do is tell me—”
He interrupted, bringing his flashing eyes back to mine. “My father always took whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it. He took my momma, us kids. He’d take and take and take. I promised myself I was never going to be like that. Because when you have a father who is a selfish bastard, who takes what he wants whenever the fuck he wants it, the last thing you want to be is without honor.”
My heart hurt for him, but I didn’t know what to say, how to make it better. Regardless, he didn’t give me a chance.
Duane peeled my fingers from his arm and cradled my hand between his. “You want to go out there and live your dreams, then I’m going to remove myself from the equation. I’m not going to stand in your way. Because I would rather see the sadness in your eyes now than resentment in your eyes months or years from now. We are over. And I have to be the one to end it. I have to be the one to walk away. It has to be my decision. You need to give me that at least.”
He dropped my hand and stepped away, his eyes moving around the cabin like he was searching for something. Finding his shirt, he pulled it on. I watched numbly, part of me still cuddled up with him in bed, as he sat in one of the chairs by the table and put on his socks and boots.
I was feeling so many things, but none of them were eloquent. Broken. Sad. Broken and sad. That’s what I was. Silent tears slipped through my eyelids while he slipped through my fingers.
I didn’t have the brainpower or the heart for an impassioned speech. I was tired and my heart was bruised. But I couldn’t let him go. Not without exploring every option. Not without a Hail Mary pass.
I couldn’t keep bashing myself against a door he kept firmly closed, but I could leave a note.
Therefore, on a desperate whim, I asked with an unsteady voice, “Truth or dare, Duane?”
He shook his head, his eyes closing briefly to cover his discomfort, like the sound of my voice caused physical injury. “Truth or dare? You want to play truth or dare now?”
“Yes. Pick one, truth or dare?”
“Fine.” He clenched his jaw then gave me his eyes, they were cool and distant. “Dare.”
I nodded once, making a decision to be vulnerable just once more. “I dare you to extend the term of our relationship to indefinite.”
His expression didn’t change. He just stared at me. The line of his mouth flat and straight.
So I pushed, begging, “Stay with me tonight, don’t leave. Stay with me, and not just for twelve months. Stay with me always.”
He winced and I could see his hackles rise. Before he could speak, I lifted my hand to stop him.
“I see you don’t understand my meaning.”
“I understand you perfectly,” he ground out, his tone rough, unyielding.