I looked for him as soon as I walked in the room.
I went through all the faces. I did it more than once, because people kept moving around, and I was worried I’d miss somebody out. I even had a walk up and down. Once or twice, someone tried to speak to me, but I refused to involve myself, because if you’re not careful, you find yourself caught and you have to spend the next two hours sitting with someone and inventing things to say. In the end, I found a chair at the back on my own. I was given a cup of tea, that must have been Miss Ambrose, and I balanced the saucer on my knee.
The room started to fill with residents, with walking sticks and overcoats, and after a few minutes, there was a wall of conversation around me. I couldn’t tell what anyone was talking about, because they were all standing up and their voices wandered away, but every so often, a word would escape and find me. Gardening, I think. And the television. Perhaps the weather. I had used up my conversation on all these subjects a long time ago, and so I stayed in my seat and lived in the middle distance.
I’d been there a few minutes before I realised Elsie had sat next to me.
‘You came, then?’ she said. ‘After all?’
I held on to the saucer. ‘I didn’t have much choice. Miss Ambrose was in one of her moods. The kind where she doesn’t hear the word no.’
‘You’ll enjoy it, Florence. He’s very good, is Justin. He gets everyone singing. Even Mrs Honeyman.’
‘He won’t get me,’ I said. ‘He isn’t here yet, I’ve had a look.’
Elsie glanced across the room. ‘He’s over there, by the weeping fig. He’s just getting his accordion out.’
‘Not Justin.’ I looked around before I whispered, ‘Ronnie.’
Elsie shook her head. ‘I thought we had an agreement that there was no point in worrying until we could be certain.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘I didn’t agree with any of that. You made that agreement with yourself. How can you say we shouldn’t worry, when you saw him with your own set of eyes?’
‘Even if it is Ronnie, and it may very well just be someone who looks like him—’
‘Exactly like him,’ I said.
‘—then perhaps we just need to sit tight and batten down the hatches. He may not want anything at all. It might just be a coincidence.’
‘He’s been inside my flat.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Because he’s moved things around. I’ve a good mind to go over there right now and catch him at it.’
A pool of quiet spread around us, and a few people looked across.
‘Florence, stop shouting. If Miss Ambrose notices—’
‘I’m not shouting. I’m making a point,’ I said. ‘I’m not letting him get away with it.’
Elsie shook her head again. ‘You made a mistake. Forgot where you put something.’
‘I didn’t forget. It was the elephant.’
‘But it can’t have been the elephant, because elephants never forget.’
General Jack. Ex-military. Stumbles over his words. Forever wears the same tired grey raincoat. When I looked up, he was leaning on his walking stick and smiling, although his smile always shook a little at the edges. If he hadn’t got a conversation of his own, he had a habit of inviting himself into the middle of other people’s. I always thought of him as general Jack, with a small g, but he said he didn’t even mind that so much, because general Jack made him sound as if he was still a little bit useful.
‘It’s not often we see you over here, Florence. I was beginning to forget what you look like.’
‘You saw me on Tuesday. I was at Healthy Hearts.’
‘No,’ he said. ‘I kept an eye out for you, but you stayed in your flat.’
Elsie sighed. ‘You told Miss Ambrose to stuff it.’
‘Did I? I don’t remember that.’ I looked around the room. ‘Perhaps I should apologise.’
‘I’m certain she’s heard worse,’ said Elsie.
I was still searching for Miss Ambrose when I spotted him. Ronnie. He was at the edge of the room, leaning into the wallpaper, learning about other people’s lives. His arms were folded across his chest and he had the same expression he wore in the yard at the factory all those years ago. He’d always stand alone to eat. When he’d finished, he’d pull a match from his shoe and light up a cigarette. Even then he had the kind of expression that cut a conversation before it had even begun, one that made people look for another face to speak to.
‘He’s over there.’ I thought I’d whispered, but people turned again and Elsie closed her eyes and shook her head.
Jack looked over his shoulder. ‘The new chap?’
‘He’s not that new,’ I said.
‘Florence.’ Elsie took my arm. ‘I thought we decided to keep things to ourselves for a while. Haven’t we learned from experience that blurting things out isn’t always the best way forward?’
‘How do you mean?’ Jack leaned in a little more.
‘I know him,’ I said. ‘I know him from years ago.’
‘Then let’s invite him over.’ Jack started waving his stick around, but I managed to reach out and put a stop to it.
Jack sat on the chair opposite, and he searched my face for an answer. I don’t know what made me tell him. It might have been the concern waiting in his eyes, looking for a home. It might have been because Elsie let go of everything so easily, and I needed someone to hold my worrying for me. Or it might have been that he reminded me of my father, with a reassurance that waited for me on old shoulders. Whichever it was, it made me explain about the elephant, and the scar in the corner of Ronnie’s mouth. Although I didn’t tell him everything. There are some things that sit in your mind for so many years, gathering weight, there is no longer an explanation left to fit them.
He looked at me.
‘Well?’ I said.
‘I hate to see you distressed like this, Florence.’
‘That’s not an opinion,’ I said.
One of the uniforms appeared with a tray. It wasn’t the German girl, it was the one with a thick plait that runs the whole length of her back. Red face. A watch too big for her wrist. I wasn’t in a mind for eating, but I didn’t want to offend her, so I put some sandwiches in a serviette and slipped them inside my handbag.
‘Well?’ I said again, after she’d left.
‘I think …’ The words took a while to find their way out. ‘I think, if you’re concerned, then we should all be concerned as well.’
I let out a lot of air and folded my arms. ‘See,’ I said to Elsie. ‘Jack doesn’t think I’m being stupid.’
‘No one has even remotely suggested you’re being stupid,’ she said.
‘We should tell someone.’ I folded my arms a little more tightly. ‘Miss Bissell. The police. The government.’
‘You’re on a trial period,’ Elsie said. ‘What on earth will it look like if we go running to Miss Bissell?’
‘I’m on probation,’ I said to Jack. ‘I’ve only got a month to prove to Miss Ambrose that I’m not losing my mind.’
Jack looked at us both and reached out his hand. ‘I tell you what, Florence. Why don’t we try the thing my doctor always tells me to do?’
I wouldn’t unfold my arms. ‘What’s that?’ I said.
He patted my knee. ‘Why don’t we watch, and wait?’
I did another circuit. Whilst they were all singing about drunken sailors, I could hear Jack and Elsie, even though I was right at the far end of the room. The end where Ronnie was standing. Or where he had been standing, because he wasn’t there any more. I could see the trolley and the noticeboard, and Mrs Honeyman cushioned in an armchair, but the space where Ronnie Butler had been standing was empty.
‘Where did he go?’ I whispered.
No one answered.
I went into the corridor. The only person I saw was the German girl, who disappeared into one of the rooms. ‘Are you looking for me?’ I shouted, but the double doors swung their goodbye long after she’d vanished. Even reception was empty. Just a telephone that rang to itself, until it was answered by Miss Bissell’s voice, although Miss Bissell was nowhere to be seen.