Courtney had started sleeping on the couch. She said it was because she didn’t want to disturb me when she came home late, but I was pretty sure she was angry. She never looked at my belly. Dani was okay, sometimes she was even a little nicer, making me herbal tea or bringing me an extra blanket. But I’d see her give me worried looks, the fear on her face if she glanced at my stomach.
My belly was getting huge and I’d stand in front of the mirror after a bath, staring at my bigger breasts, my disappearing belly button. The baby had started moving by then and I’d watch it roll around. In bed I could feel it kicking and stretching, sometimes clawing at my insides like it was trying to break out.
I was scared to think about what the baby might look like—who it might look like. The doctor had asked if I wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl but I’d said no. Sometimes when I closed my eyes I’d see Brian’s face and wonder if the baby looked like him. I felt sad for the baby—it hadn’t asked for this, an evil dad, a mom who didn’t want it. My sisters never even talked about it, though one time Dani did mention something we might do “after we give the baby away.”
I was hungry all the time but Dani never complained about our food bill. Patrick found me a job, doing laundry in one of the hotels—he’d helped the man’s kid out. As my belly got bigger, my hips and legs ached and I walked in a swagger, but I refused to let it slow me down.
Sometimes when the baby moved I’d put my hand there, feeling a foot or a hand. I felt guilty the first time and pulled my hand away but then put it back a few minutes later, sitting quiet in the dark. We had an old TV by then, and I started telling the baby what I was watching, sometimes resting a plate of food on top of my belly. I never did it when my sisters were around, never told them when I felt the baby kick or roll, my whole belly moving as though it were doing acrobatics.
When I got really scared at night, imagining what childbirth was going to feel like, I tried to imagine how happy some couple was going to be, how they’d been waiting for years and years. I’d imagine their house, how they’d decorated a special room, the nice things they’d do for the baby, how much they’d love it.
Karen tried to talk to me about our past once, sort of feeling around about our parents.
“Were things hard for you at home?” she said.
“Yeah,” I said. “We don’t like talking about it.” I hoped that would stop the questions.
“If you ever do want to talk to someone about what happened…” She held my eyes for a second. “I’m a good listener, and there are some great programs in the community, support groups—”
“We’re fine.”
She nodded. “Of course you are. But if you change your mind and think maybe there’s something you want to talk about, just let me know.”
“Okay, thanks.” I knew we’d never change our minds.
She was right, though. She was a good listener. She often sat and talked to the teenagers who came into the gym about their problems at home and school. I’d listen in sometimes and wondered why she and Patrick didn’t have children of their own.
“Did you want kids?” I asked.
She smiled. “I did, but I couldn’t have them. Patrick’s son was from his first marriage.” They didn’t talk about their past much, but a few times when we were alone together, she told me a couple of things. I figured it was because she felt bad for me or something. She said Patrick’s son had gotten into drugs while Patrick was in jail and had gotten killed by some dealers—shot in the head.
“It was hard on Patrick, really hard.”
“That’s why he helps other kids?” I said.
“And that’s why you’re all my babies.” Her eyes drifted to my belly, then looked away. “I better get back to work.”
*
Dani and Courtney stayed out of the apartment a lot. Dani was usually at the gym, and Courtney was working or partying. Sometimes I wondered if maybe they didn’t want to be home with me, like they were still upset that I didn’t get rid of the baby. One night Courtney came home drunk and stared at my belly.
“Why didn’t you say anything for so long?” she said.
“I didn’t know.”
She laughed bitterly. “Come on. You knew.”
“Leave her alone,” Dani said.
I hid in my room, crying, thinking about what Courtney had said. Had I known? Had I just not wanted to face it? I thought back to those first months of my pregnancy but I wasn’t sure, couldn’t remember feeling anything but fear.
Dani loved boxing and training with the other teens. She even taught a class for some little kids. I just helped Patrick in his office or worked at the hotel. When I wasn’t working I studied for my GED. Courtney didn’t get sad quite as often but she still partied too much. She and Dani would get in big fights. She also hung out with some of the boys from the gym who were former dealers and gang members. When Dani told her they were trouble, she just laughed at her.
“What else bad can happen?”
*