‘Thank you, minister,’ said the journalist, writing down her words before hurrying away.
‘You are not only shameless, Mama, but your audacity stretches the boundaries of one’s imagination. I’ll bet you’d never heard of Duchamp before today.’
‘Let’s be fair,’ said Harry, ‘your mother never behaved like this before she became a politician.’
There was a gentle tap on the microphone, and everyone turned to face the stage.
‘Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Hugh Casson, and I’d like to welcome you to the Royal Academy School’s exhibition. As chairman of the awards panel, it is now my privilege to announce the winner of this year’s gold medal. I usually preface my words by saying what a difficult decision it has been for the judges, and how unlucky the runners-up were, but not on this occasion, because the panel was unanimous in awarding this year’s gold medal to—’
‘You must be so proud of your granddaughter,’ said the Permanent Secretary when she joined the minister in her office the next morning. ‘She’ll be among such illustrious company.’
‘Yes, I read the details in this morning’s papers, and all the different interpretations of the picture, but tell me, Pauline, what did you make of it?’
‘Original, innovative, and it stretches the boundaries of one’s imagination.’
‘That’s all I need,’ said Emma, not attempting to hide her sarcasm. ‘But I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that it’s a giant condom, which the Sun featured on its front page.’
‘And that condom got more coverage than the government’s entire PR campaign for safer sex, which as I’m sure you remember, minister, you launched last year.’
‘Well, I did manage the odd headline when I said I hoped the campaign would be penetrative,’ said Emma with a smile. ‘Anything else, Pauline?’
‘I’ve just read the latest version of your speech for next Thursday’s debate, minister.’
‘And it sent you to sleep?’
‘I did find it a little prosaic.’
‘A polite way of saying it was dull.’
‘Well, let’s say that an injection of humour wouldn’t do any harm.’
‘Especially as humour is my brother’s forté.’
‘It just might make a difference if the press are right in suggesting it’s going to be a close-run thing.’
‘Can’t we rely on the facts to persuade the waverers?’
‘I wouldn’t count on it, minister. And I think you ought to know that the PM has asked what plans we have in place should we lose the vote.’
‘Has she indeed? Then I’d better go over the speech yet again this weekend. The irony is that if it wasn’t my brother I was up against, I’d be asking him to add the odd bon mot.’
‘I’m sure he’d like to,’ said Pauline, ‘but no doubt that’s why Kinnock gave him the job in the first place.’
‘Hardly subtle,’ said Emma. ‘Anything else?’
‘Yes, minister, I wonder if I might discuss a personal matter with you.’
‘That sounds rather serious, Pauline, but yes, of course.’
‘Have you been following the latest research to come out of the States concerning DNA?’
‘Can’t say I have,’ said Emma. ‘My red boxes provide me with quite enough reading as it is.’
‘It’s just that I felt the most recent breakthrough in the field might interest you.’
‘Why?’ said Emma, genuinely puzzled.
‘Scientists can now prove conclusively if two people are related.’
‘How did you know?’ asked Emma quietly.
‘When someone is appointed as a minister to the Crown, we prepare a file on them, so that if the press contact us about their past, we are at least forewarned.’
‘And have the press been in touch?’
‘No. But I was at school when the trial was held in the House of Lords that passed judgement on whether your brother or Harry Clifton was the first born, and therefore the lawful heir to the Barrington title and estates. All of us at Berkhamsted High thought it was very romantic at the time, and were delighted when their lordships came down in favour of your brother, making it possible for you to marry the man you loved.’
‘And now I would finally be able to discover if their lordships’ judgement was correct,’ said Emma. ‘Give me a little time to think about it, because I certainly wouldn’t be willing to go ahead without Harry’s blessing.’
‘Of course, minister.’
‘On a lighter note, Pauline, you said you kept a file on me. Does that mean you have a file on every other minister?’
‘We most certainly do. However, that does not mean I would be willing to divulge which of your colleagues is a transvestite, who was caught smoking marijuana in Buckingham Palace, and which law lord likes to dress up as a policeman and go on night patrols.’
‘Just one question, Pauline. Are any of them among the waverers?’
‘Sadly not, minister.’
47