I was three bites in when he told me I looked happy. “I can’t remember the last time I saw you smile.”
“Shows how much I like my food.” I was surprised at how content I felt, even though I knew it was fleeting. Jason was gone for the day—his first full workday since his arrest. He was suspended from the university and had lost several clients, but had scheduled back-to-back meetings with the few remaining ones who had agreed to meet with him. Against my advice, he was also planning on recording an episode of his podcast, his first appearance on the program since I’d first heard of Kerry Lynch. He insisted that it had to be done. Zack had been carrying on without him, but the Equalonomics brand was Jason’s. He seemed oblivious to the increasing numbers of one-star reviews being posted on iTunes of the podcast: “Politically correct sex offender. Irony much?” “Boycott the asshats still advertising on this program.” “Will he be able to pod from prison?” “Of course this sanctimonious libtard is a rapist. Totally predictable.”
There was a reason I hadn’t been leaving the house for meals, or anything else, for that matter. And until this day, Jason had been home too. Only a few weeks ago, that would have been enough to make me happier than any kind of extravagance, but the past two weeks had felt stifling and heavy. This house had become joyless.
I reached for the duck and slid another slice onto my plate. It was only then that I realized Colin didn’t look quite as happy as I felt in that moment.
I put my fork down and shook my head. “I’m so stupid.”
“What—”
“It’s no coincidence you called the first day Jason’s out of the house, here in your casual clothes with this amazing meal. Did he send you here? What news does he want you to break? What is it now?”
He reached over and placed a calming hand on my wrist. “Angela, I promise. Jason doesn’t even know I’m here.” He removed his hand and held it up in a scout’s honor for emphasis.
I believed him. “I’m so sorry. I’m just— I’m constantly on edge, like everyone’s watching me. Talking about me. Judging. I can’t keep living like this.”
“I totally understand.”
When I continued eating, the food didn’t taste as good. I took another sip of my wine.
“You do know me so well, though,” Colin said. I waited for him to explain. “I promise that I was coming here anyway, with food already ordered, and wine already chilled. But that look you saw on my face just now—I was trying to muster up the courage to talk to you about something. Susanna called me while I was on my way to Gotham.”
“And?”
“She wanted to know the implications to you and Spencer of this lawsuit against Jason. Is something going on?”
“Of course something’s going on. That woman’s trying to take us for every dime she can get. I’m sure Susanna’s just worried about me, but I’m not stupid. We could end up broke. I’ve already thought about that. I can go back to catering. Spencer can go to public school. The good thing about growing up poor is that you already know what it’s like.”
The thought of returning to the East End was intolerable. We could go somewhere else and start over. Scottsdale or Tampa. One of those places that normal people go to.
“It wasn’t merely a general sense of worry, Angela. Susanna specifically asked me whether you could protect yourself by filing for divorce before any kind of judgment is entered.”
I sighed. “The thought never crossed my mind. I’ll talk to her. Don’t worry about it.”
“But that’s why I came over. It never crossed my mind, either, and I realized I owe you an apology for that. When this all came down, I told you—as your friend—that you didn’t have to stay. And you told me you wanted to, at least to get Jason through this. But I didn’t talk to you about that decision as a lawyer. And since then, all I’ve been trying to do is help Jason.”
“Me too.”
“Just hear me out so I can live with myself. If you filed for divorce now, there’s a good chance that you could take your part of the assets and shield them from a judgment. You could get the house—”
“I could never afford to carry it—”
“That’s not the point. You’d have the equity. Half of his pension, half the liquid assets. It’s possible they’d argue that your settlement with Jason was a sham to try to protect assets, but given the nature of the allegations against him, it would look completely legitimate. And if you and Jason get back together down the road, well, then, so be it. A court’s not going to stop you from getting remarried. Or, who knows? Maybe you’d want to be on your own by then.”
“Does Jason know you’re telling me this?”
“No, and at this point, I honestly don’t give a fuck if I’m violating professional ethics. I figured I’d tell you the options, and if you want me to talk to him about it, I’m happy to. If not, I’ll never bring it up again. Not to defend much of what Jason has done, but he really is trying to protect you.”
“It doesn’t always feel that way.”
“I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but since I’m an open book today, Olivia Randall called me yesterday. She wanted me to see if you’d do some kind of public interview, basically saying you and Jason had an open marriage.” Before I began to respond, he had a rebuttal prepared. “I told her you would never agree to that, and as your friend, I would never suggest it. Importantly, she said that Jason refused to ask you, too.”
“That woman’s a pit bull.”
“Well, she’s Jason’s pit bull.”
“She’s really good, huh?”
“Yeah. That’s why I recommended her. Up there with the very best.”
“Plus, she’s a woman,” I said.
“Well, yes. It doesn’t hurt to have a woman speaking up for you on this type of a case.”
“She’s pretty, too.” I blurted what I had been wondering since I first met her: “Are you guys a thing?”
“We went out a few times. It was a while ago. Olivia’s not—a relationship person. Why did you ask?” His eyes were filled with a blend of fear and hope. I remembered the way a certain look from Jason used to be able to stir something overwhelming in me. I felt a yearning for something I never thought I would miss.
I shrugged, but held his gaze. “I was just wondering. It seemed to make sense, the two of you, together.”
“No, of the women I’ve let slip by, she’s not the one who makes sense for me.”
The one. The one he wished he had met at Susanna’s party the night she met his best friend instead.
“That thing you said about splitting things up, what do you think I should do?”
He sighed heavily. “Please, don’t ask me that. I’ll do anything else for you, but not that. He’s still my friend.”
“And I’m still his wife.”
He looked up at the ceiling. “Fuck, I hate this.”
I leaned toward him, pausing to see if he’d stop me. He didn’t. I kissed him, gently at first, and then so urgently, I was on my feet, leaning into him.
“Angela, wait—”
“You said anything. You’d do anything.”
He drew in his breath.
“This is what I need right now,” I whispered. “I need this.”
The first time was clumsy and frenzied, almost violent, the edges of the cold kitchen tile scraping against my back. When it was over, he rolled me on top of him and held me in his arms. I didn’t speak because I didn’t want him to leave. I remained perfectly still while he held me, stroked my hair, tickled the small of my back, whatever he wanted. When I felt him respond beneath me, I slid lower, not worrying about whether those flashbacks that came and went beyond my control would suddenly return. I took him by the hand and led him upstairs, opting for Spencer’s room only because I didn’t want Colin to see reminders of Jason and stop what we had started.