“Mom!” she called out, pushing through the unlatched door. There was a cigarette burning in an ashtray on the coffee table. The mound of used butts was huge. Here and there, smoked-down cigarettes lay littered across the Formica table.
The apartment was empty. Mom had probably come home from work about five (if she’d even made it to work in the first place), then changed her look from white-trash beautician to biker slut and run off to her favorite bar stool.
Lauren hurried down the hallway and into her bedroom, praying all the way there. Please please please.
It was empty beneath her pillow.
Mom had found the money.
EIGHT
Lauren meant to move. She meant to get up, put on fresh makeup, and borrow Suzi Mauk’s suit again, but somehow she sat there, on the floor, staring at the stack of cigarette butts in the ashtray on the coffee table. How much of her twenty dollars had literally gone up in smoke?
She wished she could cry the way she once would have. The tears, she now knew, meant hope. When your eyes dried up, there was none.
The door swung open, cracked against the wall. The whole apartment shuddered at the force of it. A beer bottle rolled off the sofa cushion and thumped to the shag carpet.
Her mother stood in the doorway, wearing a pleated black miniskirt with black boots and a tight blue T-shirt. The top—which Lauren thought looked suspiciously new—made her look much too thin. The once beautiful bone structure in her face was now a collection of sharp edges and dark hollows. Booze and cigarettes and too many bad years had chiseled away at her beauty, leaving only the stunning green of her eyes. Against the harsh pallor of her face, Mom’s eyes were still arresting. Once Lauren had thought her mother was the most lovely woman in the world—lots of people had back then. For years, Mom had gotten by on her looks; as her beauty had faded, so had her ability to cope.
Mom brought a cigarette to her lips and took a long drag, exhaling sharply. “You’re staring at me.”
Lauren sighed. So it was going to be one of those nights; the kind where Mom came home more sober than drunk and pissed off about it. Lauren got slowly to her feet, started picking up the mess in the living room. “I’m not staring.”
“You should be at work,” Mom said, kicking the door shut behind her.
“So should you.”
Mom laughed at that and flopped down on the sofa, putting her feet up on the coffee table. “I was headed that way. You know how it is.”
“Yeah. I know. You have to walk past the Tides.” She heard the bitterness in her voice and wished it weren’t there.
“Don’t start with me.”
Lauren went to the sofa and sat down on the arm. “You took the twenty bucks from under my pillow. That was my money.”
Mom put out one cigarette and lit up another. “So?”
“The homecoming dance is less than two weeks away. I …” Lauren paused, hating to admit her need, but what choice did she have? “I need a dress.”
Mom looked up at her. Smoke swirled in the air, seeming to exaggerate the distance between them. “I got knocked up at a school dance,” Mom finally said.
Lauren fought the urge to roll her eyes. “I know.”
“Fuck the dance.”
Lauren couldn’t believe it still hurt, after all these years. When would she stop believing that her mom might change? “Thanks, Mom. As usual, you’re a big help.”
“You’ll see. When you’re older.” Mom leaned back, exhaling smoke. Her mouth trembled, and for the merest of moments, she looked sad. “None of it matters. What you want. What you dream of. You live with what’s left.”
If Lauren believed that, she’d never be able to get out of bed. Or off a bar stool. She reached down, brushed the blond hair out of her mother’s eyes. “It’s going to be different for me, Mom.”
Her mother almost smiled. “I hope so,” she murmured so softly Lauren had to lean forward to hear it.
“I’ll find a way to pay the rent and buy a dress,” she said, finding her courage again. It had left her for a few moments there, and without its heat she had gone cold and numb, but now it was back. She slid off the arm of the sofa and went back to her mother’s bedroom. In the overstuffed closet, she looked for something she could redo into a dress for the dance. She was holding up a black satin nightgown when the doorbell rang.
She didn’t answer it, but her mother yelled out to her: “Miz Mauk’s here.”
Lauren swore under her breath. If only Mom hadn’t opened the door. Forcing a smile, she tossed the tiny negligee on the bed and went back into the living room.
Mrs. Mauk was there, smiling. A big cardboard box was on the floor at her feet. Beside her, Mom was buttoning up a beautiful black pant coat made of the softest wool; it had a tapered waist and a shawl collar.
Lauren frowned.
“It’s an old lady’s coat,” Mom muttered, walking down the hallway toward the bathroom.
“Mrs. Mauk?” Lauren said.
“There’s one for you, too.” She bent down and pulled a green coat with faux fur trim from the box.