I raised my eyebrows before I remembered him saying something about his sister being on a diet. Lisa must have caught my expression because she said: ‘he’s been really supportive’, in a tone suggesting I hadn’t.
I ripped the cellophane off a packet of cheese straws and bit into one, shaking the flaky pastry off my skirt as I offered one to Aaron.
‘These are good,’ he said as he chewed.
‘I get them from work,’ Jake said. He put in early shifts at a bakery, packaging food for retailers.
‘Do you have a job, Aaron?’
‘Nah.’
‘How are you going to afford uni?’ I asked.
‘I’ll get by. How about you?’
‘My dad’s a financial advisor. Ever since I can remember he’s been telling me there’s a policy in place to fund my further education.’
‘Let’s not talk about uni.’ Lisa feigned a yawn. ‘Exciting news my end. I’ve won two tickets to a gig through Facebook.’
‘That’s fab.’ We haven’t had a night out since Perry’s party. Already, I was excited.
‘Do you want to come with me, Aaron?’ As Lisa spoke, she glanced sideward at me, as though expecting me to be jealous, wanting it, almost.
I swigged from my can of Diet Coke, washing down my disappointment.
‘If you can’t get a real date—’ Aaron said.
‘Be nice,’ Jake snapped.
‘He was only joking.’ Lisa rolled her eyes but looked secretly pleased.
I wondered whether Jake had always stuck up for her, and I wondered why it bothered me now. It was irrational to feel jealous when it was my hand Jake was holding, but I did.
Inexplicably I felt suddenly uncertain of my place in Jake’s life, or Lisa’s, as we danced around each other, trying to settle into our new relationships, balancing the old. The shifting dynamics as we pushed and we pulled was draining. I needed some space.
‘I’m going for a walk,’ I said.
‘I don’t fancy one.’ Lisa barely looked up. I hadn’t been asking her, I hadn’t been asking anyone, but Jake stood too, and as we disappeared into the trees I could feel eyes burning into my back.
I’d always thought it was quiet here, peaceful, but as we strolled through the woods, my senses on high alert, everything seemed too loud; the birds chirping; the breeze rustling the leaves; my heart thumping. We were rarely properly alone.
‘Want a rest?’ Jake asked, and I fought to control my breath that came a little too quickly, breathing in slowly and deeply, the scent of pine, musky aftershave and anticipation.
‘There’s nowhere to sit.’ I looked around the clearing. The ground was scattered with rabbit droppings.
‘Then we’ll stand.’ Jake turned to face me, stepping forwards. His eyes locked onto mine, and I stepped backwards until my spine was pressed against a tree trunk. I swallowed hard.
‘Kat.’ He dipped his head and trailed warm kisses down my neck. ‘What have you done to me?’ he murmured, and I wanted to ask the same. Jake slipped his hand under my skirt and I felt the warmth in his fingers. I gasped and thrust my hips forward, urging him on.
‘We don’t have to do this,’ he whispered in the way he always did but, this time, instead of asking him to stop I parted my legs.
‘Are you sure, Kat?’ His eyes were glazed, cheeks flushed, and I knew in that moment he wanted me as badly as I wanted him.
My body was tingling in a way it never had before, but there was a flicker of indecision as I realised what I was about to do. Should I? Although I knew I wanted Jake to be my first, I didn’t know whether I wanted to do it here, where it was so open. Where we were so visible. His fingers brushed my inner thigh, and my doubts plummeted to the ground, where they tumbled with the dried and crispy leaves until they were out of sight, and I was out of my mind.
‘I want to.’
I tugged his zip down but I was too scared to reach inside his jeans, unsure what I was supposed to do. I tried to pull back, but he took both my wrists in one of his hands, holding them high above my head, the rough bark grazing the skin on my forearms. His other hand ran over my body, pulling at my knickers, pushing into me until there was a sharp pain. I bit hard on his shoulder and he hesitated. ‘Please,’ I whispered, wrapping my legs around his waist, knowing however much this hurt there was nothing more I wanted.
Afterwards, we clung to each other, the weight of Jake slumped against me. Our breath hot and heavy. It was the sound of a snapping twig, as sharp as a gunshot, that jolted me back to awareness. Goosebumps chasing away the heat in my skin. I pushed Jake aside and tugged up my knickers, rearranged my skirt.
‘What was that?’ My eyes flitted around the trees, branches swayed, shadows shimmered. It came again. A snapping sound. The sensation of the whole world staring at me. Shame flooded the places lust had just vacated. ‘Did somebody see us?’ Panic wormed under my skin. If my Dad ever heard about this…
‘Nobody saw us. Nobody’s here.’ Jake nuzzled my neck but he couldn’t help jumping at the sudden noise that sliced through the silence. ‘Christ.’ He shielded his eyes, looking up into the blue cloudless sky as the birds rose above the treetops, cawing loudly, as though chastising us. As though someone had startled them. Despite Jake claiming there was no one there I felt uneasy, and as Jake said, ‘Let’s get out of here’, I knew he felt it too. It was as though the moment, which had been so perfect, so private, was sullied somehow.
17
Now
Exhaustion has blunted my emotions and I no longer have to fight to contain the tears that threatened to spill. I haven’t cried. Not once. For if I cry, I’m giving up hope, and I am not doing that. Not yet. Once our call had been cut off, I had phoned Lisa over and over. Each time her answer service cut in and the words inviting me to speak after the tone sliced through me. I’d left an array of messages ranging from: ‘Lisa, we’re so worried about you, please call us back’, to: ‘Where the fuck are you?’, and the last one was: ‘Lisa, please tell me my baby is all right.’ I repeated ‘please, please, please’, over and over until Nick gently unclasped my fingers, and put my phone on the coffee table. He pulled me into his arms but I couldn’t allow myself to fall against him. I couldn’t allow myself to fall apart.
‘There’s probably a problem with the mobile signals because of the storm but I think we have to prepare ourselves for the worst, Kat.’ Nick had said, and I was screaming ‘no, no, no,’ over and over, though the room was silent, the words in my head. I clasped my hands over my ears as though I could somehow make the sound go away.
I had paced the room, a rat in a cage, trying to decide what to do. My mobile signal had vanished: Nick was right about the masts. I fetched the landline from the hallway, to ring the hospital.
The receptionist said: ‘Hello, Farncaster General,’ and just hearing the name of the town where I grew up made anxiety rocket through my veins, but Lisa hadn’t been admitted.
‘I can’t believe this has happened to me.’ I dropped my head in my hands.
‘To us,’ Nick said gently, rubbing my back as though I had been sick, and I had thought I might be.
‘Sorry. This must be horrible for you too.’
‘It is. You’re not alone, Kat. I do understand.’ Nick rested his chin on my head as I leaned back against him. ‘I know what it’s like to feel loss.’
We sat on the sofa, TV flickering in the corner, sound muted, flashes of lightning illuminating the room. Not knowing what else to say.