‘Look.’ Lisa stands and crosses towards me. She shows me a photo on her mobile of a tiny baby in a pink polka dot sleepsuit, rosebud mouth, fists clenched together as she starfishes in her cot. ‘This is Gabrielle, Stella’s baby,’ Lisa explains.
As I look at the picture any doubts I have disappear. ‘She’s adorable, Lisa.’ The fact she called Gabrielle ‘Stella’s baby’ and not her own really brings it home to me the magnitude of what Lisa has done. What she is offering to do again. My sight is fuzzy with tears as I raise my finger to swipe the screen to look for more photos.
‘That’s the only one on there.’ Lisa stuffs her handset into her pocket. ‘The rest are on my computer. I don’t need to see her every day. She’s not mine. She never was. Stella sends me emails every now and then, updating me on her progress and sending through photos. I feel like a proud aunt, I suppose. I love her… but Stella’s her mum.’
‘How did you? You know…’ I can’t believe I feel so awkward asking.
‘Want a sketch? Got any crayons?’ Our shared memory of Lisa explaining sex to me with a diagram, scribbling on the back of her maths book with an orange Crayola, causes us both to burst out laughing, dissolving the tension in my muscles.
‘We went through a clinic,’ Lisa says, serious once more. ‘You have to pay a fee. It was really expensive. They started with a semen analysis of Stella’s husband’s sperm.’
‘The fault isn’t with Nick,’ I cut in. ‘We’ve had tests.’
‘You’ll want my eggs then?’ Lisa says as though we are discussing a shopping list. ‘We should still get Nick checked for STIs, unless you’ve been checked before?’
‘Yes. Before Kat,’ Nick says, and I turn to him in surprise, but he doesn’t meet my eye.
I wonder if that was with Natasha. She is another part of his past he doesn’t like to talk about. Nick used to be plagued by texts and calls from his ex when we first got together.
‘We also had a Peer Support Worker through the clinic who oversaw the process, and they helped with the parental order. The baby has to be living with you at the time for that to go through.’
‘Richard will handle that,’ says Nick. ‘My friend’s a solicitor,’ he explains to Lisa. ‘But, look, I’ve been trying to tell Kat not to get her hopes up. The success rates can’t be high with this sort of thing.’
‘It’s not any different to trying to conceive naturally.’
‘Even so, the chances of you falling pregnant must be slim? There are fertile couples who try for months, years sometimes, before they are successful.’
I stiffen at his words, and he puts his hand on my knee and squeezes. ‘We both want to be parents,’ he continues, ‘but it hasn’t been an easy couple of years trying to adopt from another country. Emotionally, we’re exhausted. Both of us.’
‘All the more reason not to try to adopt again,’ says Lisa.
‘So how does it actually happen… the insemination?’ I can feel the heat radiating from Nick as he speaks, and I reach for his hand.
Lisa opens her handbag and pulls out a small package. ‘I’ve brought a home kit with me in case you wanted to see how it would work without a clinic. It’s all very above board. No physical contact needed between me and Nick.’
‘And you’d try this more than once around ovulation?’ I stare at the syringe. It’s incredible to think a piece of plastic could help me become a mum.
‘Yes. I know I’m ovulating today so I’ve worked out the dates for January, but I’m on a work course that week so the timing wouldn’t fit. I could come and stay in February if you choose to go ahead.’
Although we are forming plans, my immediate reaction is one of disappointment. February seems so far away. When I look at Nick he is rubbing his scar on his forehead and I know he is thinking. I wait, wondering if he feels frustrated by the delay too.
‘I can see the benefits of a clinic,’ he says. ‘Particularly when dealing with a stranger, but with you and Kat going back such a long way, I’m not sure it’s necessary.’
‘It’s certainly an advantage to know each other so well. It’s unbelievable to think I can be the one to change your life completely, Kat. I’m very much looking forward to it.’
I can feel Lisa’s eyes on me but I can’t tear my pleading gaze away from Nick; I’m willing him to read my thoughts.
The silence is unbearable. Dozens of words swim around my mind and I fish out the phrase I am looking for. ‘No time like the present?’ I say but my voice is small and uncertain.
‘I think so too,’ Nick says, and I fling my arms around him.
‘Today?’ says Lisa, and for one split second I think she’s going to say no, but she shrugs ‘why not’, and she slips into our hug, and somehow we feel like a family already.
Lisa wriggles free of our embrace and passes a pot to Nick. ‘If we’re doing this you need to—’
‘I know.’ Nick’s tone is terse and his muscles tighten, and as excited as I am, I can’t imagine the embarrassment he must feel. Part of me wonders whether we should wait for a clinic – if a sterile environment and nurses would make this situation that is anything but normal slightly easier for him to bear.
‘Look, Nick.’ I drop my arms and step back so I can read the expression on his face. ‘We don’t have to try today. There is no rush really.’ The words almost stick in my throat, and my heart is hammering a tattoo inside my ribcage. My hopes are floating like a helium balloon and I can’t tug them back down. ‘Do you want to wait until February?’
Nick taps on the lid of the pot with his fingertips and it seems an age before he answers. ‘No, it makes sense to start now while Lisa is here.’ He takes a step towards the door, and Lisa says: ‘Wait.’ And there is a horrible moment where I think she’s going to tell us she won’t do it. Nerves writhe in my stomach.
‘I hate to bring this up.’ She bites her lip. ‘But it is usual to pay some of the expenses before conception. I did travel here and buy the kit, not that I dreamt for a second we’d be using it today.’
‘Of course.’ I feel terrible she had to mention this first. I’d hate her to think we’re not grateful. I glance at Nick. ‘We could do a bank transfer, now, couldn’t we?’
I know he doesn’t want to delay any more than I do when he says: ‘How about ￡1k now as a goodwill gesture and we’ll draw up an agreement for the rest?’
‘Perfect. But only if you’re both sure?’
We reassure her we are. Lisa hands Nick her bank card and he transfers the money on the iPad, and when it’s done he stands, the pot in his hand.
‘Do you want me to come with you?’ My face reddens as I feel Lisa’s gaze on me.
‘It’s okay.’ Nick kisses the top of my head.
‘Just leave the pot by the side of the bed when you’re done, and I’ll go up and do my bit,’ Lisa says, and as Nick paces across the room I can hardly believe we could be creating a baby today.
Nick’s heavy tread mounts the stairs, and I spring from the sofa and envelop Lisa into a hug. ‘Thank you for this chance,’ I whisper into her hair. ‘I never thought I’d be a mum. I never thought I deserved it.’
Lisa squeezes me tightly. ‘Kat,’ she says softly, ‘we always get what we deserve.’
‘Do you think Lisa could be pregnant?’ It’s ridiculous, I know. She only left three hours ago but already I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m half-lying on Nick on the sofa, my head resting on his shoulder; each time he exhales warm air kisses my ear. Stacked on the coffee table are the remains of a takeaway, plates stained yellow with turmeric, the smell of spices hanging in the air. I love evenings like these. Our stay-at-at-home date nights.
In the background, Spotify streams. Mumford & Sons promise ‘I Will Wait’. I run my hand under his shirt, his skin soft and warm, heart slow and steady beneath my palm.
‘I doubt it darling.’ Nick’s fingertips caress my forehead. ‘Please try not to get your hopes up.’
‘Was it awful? You know…’ I reach for his hand and feather kisses on his fingertips. ‘Into the pot.’
Lisa and I had sat in awkward silence on the sofa, both painfully aware of what my husband was doing upstairs. Time was long and slow until Nick shuffled back into the room, not looking either of us in the eye.