When she was happy with my hair, it was time to clean the house. She kept talking about this person coming over, and how important they were—a Very Special Visitor, she said. When the person got there, I wasn’t supposed to talk about him, or any of that stuff that had happened before.
We had to clean and clean everything, and then one day she came home with a new bedspread for me, with Disney princesses all over it. Pink and white and fluffy and perfect, it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I knew the bedspread was just for show, just for the Very Special Visitor, and she didn’t get it for me because she loved me or even cared about me, but it didn’t matter. I kept it until I was seventeen, through all the moves and different houses and apartments and trailers where we lived, until it was no more than a bunch of rags and stuffing—that’s how much I loved it.
CHAPTER 19
THE WEEKEND VISIT WITH Max didn’t go as well as we had all hoped. Mom and Dad wanted Sarah to slip back into her old life: Max, school, friends, everything. But Max and her friends had moved on; they were all in college now. Max was a man, not a teenager. And the Sarah who came back to us was not the Sarah they remembered, not the one who Max had fallen in love with.
We all stayed up, of course, waiting for Sarah to get home that night. But she was home early, before ten. I was in my room, but when I heard his car outside I came downstairs. Sarah looked pale as she closed the door behind her.
“How’d it go?” I asked. I meant to say something more casual—How was dinner? But really what I wanted to know was: Are you two back together? Can you just pick up where you left off and be that golden couple again? I was dying to know if Max had really broken up with Paula and if he had done it for Sarah.
From Sarah’s tense expression, I could already tell the answer was no. But she put on a smile for Mom and Dad as they came in from the den. They stood silently waiting, but Sarah wasn’t talking, so we all just stood there awkwardly.
“How was that new restaurant?” Mom asked, her smile strained. “Dad and I have been thinking of trying it.” She wanted this so much, wanted it for Sarah, for all of us.
“It was good, kinda expensive, but nice.” She nodded. Everyone was silent for a moment or two, hoping she would go on. “Well, you didn’t have to wait up,” she finally said, then she stopped herself. When she lifted her head again, her cheeks were streaked with tears. “I’m sorry, you guys, I don’t think he likes me anymore—” Her voice caught in her throat. “Maybe I’m just too different now.”
Dad opened his mouth, then closed it. “I’ll go get her something to drink,” he said, turning to the kitchen. Mom and I pulled Sarah to the couch where we could sit on either side of her.
“It’s okay, Sarah, it’s okay.” Mom pushed her hair back from her face. I saw the makeup she had so carefully applied just hours before, eyeliner and mascara, clumping under her eyes now, smears of green and black. I’d never seen my sister break down like this. Mom hadn’t either. Even when Sarah was super angry and threw a tantrum, it didn’t usually include tears. It was heart-wrenching to watch her thin shoulders shake with each sob; she was so broken already.
“Did something happen?” Mom asked, rubbing her back.
Sarah took the tissue I offered her and blew her nose, shaking her head. “No, nothing like that. He’s super sweet, he’s so nice.”
Dad came back in with a seltzer for Sarah and put it on the table, but Mom waved him away. He stood looking down at us for a moment.
“Maybe some tea would be good,” Mom finally suggested, giving him something to do.
As soon as Dad left the room, Sarah went on quietly. “It’s just so clear that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. He didn’t try to kiss me.”
“That doesn’t mean anything!” Mom protested. “He could just be taking things slow. Give it time.”
Sarah looked over at me, her eyes red rimmed and raw looking. She grabbed my hand. “Nico, you know what I mean, right? When you can just tell a guy doesn’t want you?”
I nodded, remembering Daniel’s hand on my back at the party, his hungry smile. Did he want me? I almost had to shake my head to clear the memory.
“I think maybe I’ve changed too much.” She looked down at my hand in hers and squeezed hard.
“No, it’s not your fault,” Mom said softly. “It might take a little while to click again. People change, that’s all.”
But Sarah shook her head, and I had a sad feeling she was right. She wasn’t that same girl anymore, and Max couldn’t pretend not to be disappointed.
When she was calm enough and we had all had a cup of chamomile tea, I led Sarah upstairs. She sat on the edge of the tub in her new outfit. “Can you help me get this crap off my face?”