I continue on with my story and tell him about the night I fucked Cam in his office and then about buying the house. I feel sick to my stomach, admitting all of this, but at the same time, I feel so relieved to tell someone. I don’t try and justify my behaviour to Jax; I can’t. There is no justification for what I did. It was wrong, so wrong, but telling the story out loud to someone relatively impartial sort of helps me make peace with myself over my actions.
“You loved him, Georgia, don’t you see? You keep telling me how much you loved Sean, how Sean owned you completely, but he didn’t. Don’t you see that? However small a part it was or is, Cam owned a part of you, too.” I shake my head. “Was there ever anyone else, George? Did you ever come close to touching, kissing, fucking anyone else while with Sean?”
“No, of course not. I loved my husband; it was a one-off.” What the fuck sort of wife does he think I was? I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t told him anything now.
“Because Cam is the only other person you have ever loved. There is no way you would risk your marriage, your life with Sean, for someone you didn’t love. I don’t get why you’re trying so hard to deny it.”
“I’m not denying it. I have thought to myself over the years that perhaps I did love him, in a way, but it doesn’t matter now anyway. It also doesn’t change the fact that I fucked someone other than my husband. It doesn’t make it right.” I can feel anger welling in my chest, at myself and aimed at Jackson for making me think, feel and say all this aloud. I’ve buried it so far down all these years. It’s painful as guilt uses its sharp, pointy nails to drag and claw its way back up into my psyche from wherever I’ve had it so deeply buried. Tears are stinging the backs of my eyes, and I feel a little short of breath.
“I’m not saying it makes it right, George. I’m just trying to help you understand why you did it, and to make you realise Sean never loved anyone else. Like the song and the tattoo and your fucking ring tone tell you, there’s no one else; there never was. It was only ever you, George, so pack that box up, stop looking for evidence for something that never happened and live happy with the fact that Sean loved and never cheated on you.
“One day, for the right reasons, you take the time to read all that shit he sent you. Read it because you just want to know what was going through his head, not what he may or may not have been doing with his dick.” He finishes what’s left in his glass and points a finger at me. “Stop crying and feeling sorry for yourself, George. You did a shitty thing, but you crying ain’t gonna change that, and it certainly won’t make you feel better.”
Well, there’s nothing like a bit of straight-talking Aussie advice to put things into perspective. He hasn’t finished with me yet, though.
“I bet you were half-hoping you’d find evidence he had been unfaithful, just so you would feel better, weren’t ya?” I nod and wipe my nose on my sleeve. There’s no point in lying; I was, but at the same time, I wasn’t. It would kill me to know he had been unfaithful or that there was a chance he had a child running around out there, but it would have made me feel a bit better about my own actions. I look up from my lap and my eyes meet his.
“I don’t mean to be a bad person, Jax. I just, I start out with good intentions, but I always seem to manage to turn things around so they’re all about me.” Jackson gives a little laugh and shakes his head.
“You’re far from a bad person, George; you’re just human. We all make mistakes, darl. You’re still only thirty-two. The life you’ve lived, the things you’ve experienced, most people wouldn’t achieve them in ten lifetimes and you’ve achieved them before your mid-thirties. I’m sure if the rest of us lived life at the speed you have, then we’d all be in for a few more fuck-ups.”
I smile as I look across at him. “How’d you get so clever, Jackson Bell?”
He smiles back at me, his blue eyes shining, and he shrugs, “I dunno, living here changes ya. There’s no bullshit here. What’s the point? It’s a small place, everyone knows everyone else and if you bullshit, well, then there’s a good chance that at some stage, it’ll come back and bite you on the arse.” He tilts his head up slightly and says, “Lies will get ya nowhere, George, especially if you tell them to yourself.”
Chapter Five
“Go and splash your face and put some make-up on; Roman’s back in town, and he’s playing in the bar for a couple of hours. He’s good, you should come and listen. Give us your professional opinion of the local talent.”
I pull my knees up so the heels of my feet are on the edge of the chair and smile across at him. “I don’t have a professional opinion, Jax. I was married to a musician; I’ve never claimed to be one.”