“It hurt. When I heard that’s where you’d gone, it hurt.”
I’m an emotional mess tonight and my voice trembles as I try to explain. “I didn’t go there to be closer to him. I don’t have to go there for that. I went there because it was the only place where I thought I might stand a chance of being left alone. Like I said, the press were waiting at our house and I thought they would be waiting here, too.” I shrug slightly. “I always carry the security swipes and keys for the loft on me, so I just thought I would go there, calm down and give myself time to think, but as soon as I stepped inside the front door, I knew it was wrong.” I feel his chest move as he seems to take in a deep breath.
“Benny’s right,” he says and kisses the top of my head.
“About what?” I ask and look back up at him.
“I am a prick. He’s dead. I’m alive, but I still get jealous.” It hurts my heart to hear those words, for more than one reason.
“You don’t need to be jealous, Cam.” He rubs his hand over his beard and shrugs.
“But I am.” I sit up in the middle of the bed and lean across to turn on the lamp, the one on the side that Cam sleeps, not the one I tried to use as a weapon earlier.
Cam sits up and leans his back against the headboard. We have been lying on the bare mattress with no pillows, just the duvet over us.
“Why are you jealous? I love you. You must know that.” His tongue flicks out and over the split in his lip, and despite the sex we’ve just had, my insides are clenching again right now as I watch his tongue in action. “Cam, do you understand? Do you realise what you mean to me?”
He closes his eyes for a few seconds. “But he meant more.”
Blood rushes through my ears making a whooshing sound, and my heart rate accelerates. All caused by the frustration I feel at the inadequacy of my explanation. I’ve spent hours going over this in my own head and I still don’t have an answer, other than I have spent most of my life being in love with two men.
“His name’s Sean, Cam. Please don’t keep saying ‘him’. If you died, would you like me to refer to you like that?”
He shrugs. “Now you’re defending him.”
I raise my eyebrows as I look at him. “Now you’re being childish.”
He nods. “Yeah, I probably am, but I’m also being honest, and that’s just how I feel.” I don’t know how to answer. “You love him,” he states.
“Of course I love him. I’ll always love him, but that doesn’t take away from what I feel for you. If you died, would you want me to just stop loving you?” He raises his eyebrows.
“That’s twice you’ve mentioned me dying in the past five minutes, Kitten.”
Anger starts to bubble in my chest. “I’m just trying to explain how it is. I’ve never lied to you about my feelings for Sean, never, not even when we first met. Where’s all this coming from?”
He rakes his hand through his hair, shrugs, then sighs, “I don’t know, Kitten. Like I said, I’m a prick.”
I straddle his lap and wrap my arms around his neck. “Well, I love you, regardless.” He pulls his knees up and I lean back on them.
“Yeah, but as you clearly demonstrated earlier, you are a complete and utter raving lunatic. What the fuck were you trying to do to the sheets?” God, did I really do all of that? I cover my burning cheeks with the palms of my hands. “You’ve got some serious issues, Kitten. You do realise that, don’t you?” I nod my head.
“I’m so sorry for attacking you. That was wrong. I just… I’m a passionate person. What can I say?” I talk through my hands, which are still covering my face.
Cam peels them away and looks at me. “These babies of ours…” Heat instantly spreads from my heart to every fibre, every atom and molecule I’m made up from as he says those words. “They’re gonna be one crazy bunch of little fuckers if they take after us.” He kisses me gently on the mouth as a tear plops from my lashes onto my cheek.
“But we’ll love the fuck outa them, regardless,” I say to him quietly.
He shakes his head slightly. “Yes, we will,” he says.
“So much,” I add, “so fucking much.” I’m adding the F word just to get a reaction.
“Kitten, when the babies arrive, I hope you’ll rein in that mouth of yours and I’m gonna tell Ash that she needs to watch her mouth while she’s carrying them too.”
I laugh. “Yeah, good luck with that.” We look at each other again. I know that we’re probably both thinking the same thing, but he won’t say it in case he upsets me.
“What if it doesn’t work? What if we end up with no babies?” He wraps his arms around me tighter.
“Then we’ll just grow old, loving the fuck out of each other,” he says into my hair.
“You’re already old,” I tell him.
He has me flat on my back, in the middle of the bed in an instant. He looks up at me with my nipple in his mouth and bites down on it just a little too hard.