I winced and shifted my attention down between us, staring at nothing in particular in order to avoid his gaze. That was definitely not fun to hear. But he gave me a squeeze and then slid his hand up my side until he reached my chin, where he tipped my head, forcing me to meet his eyes.
“It was a long time ago. And, if you want the truth, over the last few weeks with you, I’ve started to feel like love isn’t even the right word for it.”
Oh yeah. He said that. To me.
I bit my lip, suddenly very interested in the rest of the story. Mainly because I wanted it to hurry up and end so he could get back to what he’d learned over the last few weeks with me.
Evan continued. “We’d talked about a future together and made plans for after we graduated. Separation from the Academy was definitely going to change things, but we had each other. I really wasn’t all that upset about it. I was a dumb kid with white picket fences and dreams of not having to hide clouding my vision.” He grinned, but it never met his eyes. “You have to understand something about me. I’ve never considered myself gay.”
My lips thinned as I arched an eyebrow. “Well, this must be awkward as hell for you, then.”
He ignored my joke. “I like men. I like women. But, at the end of the day, I am not defined by my sexuality. I just want to find someone who makes me happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman. I have no preference. When I’m with someone, it’s because of the person they are, not the genitalia they were born with.”
And it was official. I was a dick. But not the good kind. I was the huge, hot-pink dildo of men. I found my dates based on their sexuality alone. The person they were didn’t even factor in my relationships—if you could call them that. All they needed was a cock and a penchant for woman and they were automatically my type.
However, as I realized what a terrible person I was and saw the figurative golden halo forming over Evan’s head, part of me still celebrated.
He was with me.
Which meant, if what he was telling me was true, he was with me…for me.
It was a simple concept that should have been assumed, but for a man like me, it was overwhelming, and my throat began to close in response.
His strong hands cupped my jaw while his thumb lazily stroked my cheek. “I see you’re starting to understand.”
Not trusting my voice, I nodded in response.
“Good. Now, let me finish story time so I can make you understand everything a hell of a lot better.”
I nodded again.
“I was allowed to leave the Academy after my second year, no penalty. But, once you start your third year, you’re expected to sign a contract, much like an enlistment. Shannon had already signed, so if he got the boot and was unable to serve out his time in the Air Force—say, if he were gay—he would have been stuck repaying a ton of money. So Shannon devised a plan. We were only a few weeks from the end of the year, so he told me to transfer out and he’d cheat on a final exam in order to get kicked out without that nasty little gay word being added to his file. With promises of him working off his contract and supporting us while I finished college somewhere else, I was completely on board. We approached Dave, the guy who’d caught us, with our plan and he agreed not to out us as long as we left the Academy. I was so fucking blinded by Shannon that I never even wondered how this guy who’d been ready to throw us under the bus because it was his duty had changed his tune in a matter of days to the point that he was okay with lying as long as we left the Academy.”
I drew in a sharp breath as my stomach started to churn. As much as I wanted him to get to the part where he kicked Shannon to the curb because, deep down, he knew I was out there waiting on him, I had a sneaking suspicion that that wasn’t how it was going to end. And, as pain and regret sifted through Evan’s features, I hated being right.
Giving his hip a comforting squeeze, I silently encouraged him to continue.
“It was Shannon’s idea to call my mom and John that night and tell them I was leaving school because I was gay. God.” He paused, closing his eyes for a long, agonizing moment. When they popped open, the pain was gone, but there was a storm brewing more prominently than ever. “It was the only time in my life I’d actually said the word. But I was in love and Shannon was gay. I wanted to be whatever he was.”
I stretched my arm out and pulled his head down on top of it. His large body curled into mine as the memories ravaged him.
“I hate when people call me gay now,” he whispered then kissed my arm. “Not because there’s anything wrong with it, but because it’s not who I am. It’s who he was.”
I lazily drew a circle on his shoulder. “What did your parents say?”
“They were shocked but accepting. It wasn’t as bad as I’d thought it was going to be. Shannon sat with me through it all.”