Thankfully, she settles after a moment, and I can relax again. I don’t plan to stay long. I just wanted to see for myself that she’s okay. I haven’t dreamed of her since the last one I had of her memories of seven years ago. If I’m honest, I try to avoid sleep as much as possible, because that dream totally fucked me up. I’m terrified of it coming back. I desperately want to see Jules again, even if only in my dreams, but I can’t bear to hear her pleas and sobs again.
I’m a grown man who’s unafraid of almost anything, but I’m petrified to fall asleep.
I stand there for another fifteen minutes before silently slipping out of the room. If I had the right, I’d never leave, except to work, and even then, reluctantly.
I’m surprised to see my sister’s car in the driveway when I pull up to my house. I left work at midnight and went straight to the hospital, so there’s no telling how long she’s been here. She was off today, and she said she and Vicki were spending all day together.
When I walk through the door, I find Ella at the table with a coffee cup and book. At first, I don’t spot Vicki, and I’m surprised she let Ella out of the house by herself this late at night, but then she emerges from the hallway bathroom.
“What in the hell are you both doing here so late?” I ask, dropping my keys on the coffee table, then walking to the fridge for a beer.
Ella stands, and I notice worry lines on her forehead. Just another thing that makes me an asshole.
“I was worried about you,” Ella says, picking up her mug and taking it to the kitchen. “You were supposed to come over for breakfast this morning before work.”
“Sorry,” I mutter, then take a swig of my beer. “But you could have just called, Ella. There was no need for you to come out this late.”
“I did call. Your phone went straight to voicemail. And when I called the shop, Jazz said you were busy with a customer all day. I wanted to come up to the shop, but Vicki wouldn’t let me.”
Her eyes turn angry as she swings them toward Vicki.
“Don’t give me that look, baby. You need to lay off your brother. Between you and your parents, I’m sure he can’t fucking breathe. Only reason we’re here now is because you threatened me with something I’m not willing to lose.”
Ella’s eyes narrow further, but she doesn’t say anything. I pull my phone from my pocket and drop it on the counter.
“My phone died, and my charger was at home. Sorry about this morning. I had a bad night and woke up late.”
Vicki comes into the kitchen and takes Ella’s mug from her, rinsing it, then depositing it in the sink.
“Where’d you just come from?” Ella asks, tilting her head to the side curiously.
I take a pull from my beer before answering. “Nowhere you need to worry about.”
She crosses her arms over her chest and tips up her chin. I know that look and stance well. It’s what she always uses when she’s about to show her stubborn side. Vicki notices too. She looks at me, seeing my jaw set, then back to Ella.
“Ella, babe, maybe we should—”
“You went to see her, didn’t you?” Ella asks, ignoring Vicki.
There’s no sense in denying it, so I don’t even try. “Yes.”
Her eyes soften, and her arms fall to her sides. “Are you sure that’s a good idea, Luca?”
“Probably not, but I did anyway. I wanted to see for myself that she’s okay.”
I grab my phone and plug it into the charger. After finishing off my beer, I chuck the bottle in the trash, then turn back to Ella. Her expression is one of confusion.
“Why wouldn’t she be okay?”
Sighing, I press my hands to the counter, and drop my head. I’ve never told anyone about my dreams, except Theo, and that was only because I had to. There’s really no reason why I never told my family, I just never felt the need to. With finding out what I did and being the cause of Jules’s distress during the dreams, maybe it’s time I do tell someone. They already know what I did; there’s no sense keeping this from them.
I lift my head and bring my eyes back to Ella. “I’ve been dreaming about Jules for years.”
Ella’s head jerks back and shock widens her eyes. Something tightens in my chest with my next confession.
“In my dreams, she was always hurt or sad. She’d ask me for help, as if she was afraid of something, but I never knew why.”
“But I thought you didn’t remember Jules?”
I take my eyes from my sister and watch as Vicki comes to stand beside her, lacing their fingers together.
“I don’t. Even though I dreamed about her, I never recognized her. It wasn’t until I saw her in the hospital the day you were attacked that I even knew she was real.”
“I don’t understand,” Ella comments, frowning. “Why were you dreaming of her if it was you that…”
She trails off and her eyes slide to the side. I know she’s trying to spare my feelings. Ella can be a hardheaded bitch at times, but she has the same trait as everyone in the family. She hates to see one of us hurt.
“…was the reason she was in a coma?” I finish for her. There’s no sense in sugarcoating it. Her face is pained when she looks back at me. After a moment, she nods once. “I have no fucking clue.” I blow out a breath. “My only guess is my head was trying to tell me something that I couldn’t remember.”
“So why visit her? It still doesn’t explain why you would think she wasn’t okay.”
It takes me a moment to formulate my reply. My feelings toward Jules are dangerous and idiotic given what I did seven years ago, but they’re there, and I don’t know how to turn them off. I don’t know what happened to make me flip the way I did, but I hope like fuck that shit’s not in me anymore.
“I don’t really know why, but after seeing her in my dreams, the pain and terror she went through, I just felt the need to see for myself that she was okay.”
Ella watches me inquisitively for several moments. “I just can’t….” She trails off and shakes her head. “I still have a hard time believing you’re capable of what Theo says. I know you, Luca. You have a temper when warranted, but to hurt a woman? That shit is too much to believe.”
It’s too much for me to believe too, but the evidence is there, and people do crazy shit and act out of character all the time. As much as I don’t want to believe what Theo said, I’ve got no reason not to believe him.
I sigh and scrub a hand down my face, exhaustion sliding to my bones. “I don’t want to believe it either, but fuck, Ella, you know Theo just as well as you know me. He wouldn’t lie about something like that.”
She nods, knowing it’s true. “Yeah.” She pins me with a stern look. “Just be careful.”
I acknowledge her words with a head jerk. She doesn’t need to go into detail for me to know what she’s saying. She doesn’t want a repeat of the past.
“You ready? Luca looks like he needs sleep.”
Ella comes forward, and I envelop her into my arms. She squeezes tighter than normal before pulling back.
“Love you, big brother,” she says, offering a smile.
“Love you too, little sister.”
Minutes later, they’re both gone, and I’m in the shower, washing away the day. Ella’s words come back to me as I stand under the warm spray.
I don’t know what my feelings are, I just know I need to keep them in check. I feel responsible for Jules because I’m the reason she’s missed seven years of her life.
After drying off, I climb into bed. My stomach rumbles, but I ignore it. I only ate a half a sub earlier, but I’m too damn tired to get up and make something.
I lie in bed with my hands behind my head, dreading going to sleep, but knowing I need to get at least a couple of hours.
I close my eyes, but a few hours later, I’m awake again with the sound of Jules’s pleas reverberating in my head.
IT’S BEEN FIVE DAYS since I started coming back to the hospital. Each night, I promise myself it’ll be the last, but the next night I end up back here. I know I’m asking for trouble, but it doesn’t stop me. Either one of the nurses will spot me and kick me out, or Theo will find out and go fucking crazy. Neither of those things keep me away.
Every night, I’ve kept my place just inside the door.
Until tonight.