The Seventh Function of Language

“Ah, McEnroe … the man you love to hate … a dancer, that one … the grace of the devil … But he should have actually flown around the court … McEnroe is Lucifer … the most beautiful of all the angels … Lucifer always falls in the end…”

While he embarks on a biblical exegesis in which he compares St. John with McEnroe, Kristeva slips into the kitchen with the Chinese woman on the pretext of serving the main course. Lacan’s young mistress takes off her shoes under the table. The Canadian feminist and the Bulgarian linguist look at each other questioningly. Althusser plays with the olive in his martini. BHL bangs his fist on the table and says: “We must intervene in Afghanistan!”

Hélène looks around at everyone.

She says: “And not in Iran?” The Bulgarian linguist adds mysteriously: “Hesitation is the mother of the fantastical.” The Canadian feminist smiles. Kristeva returns with the leg of lamb and the Chinese woman. Althusser says: “The Party was wrong to support the invasion of Afghanistan. You shouldn’t invade a country with a press release. The Soviets are smarter than that: they’ll withdraw.” Sollers asks mockingly: “The Party? How many divisions have they got?” The publisher looks at his watch and says: “France is slow.” Sollers smiles as he looks at Hélène and says: “One is not serious at seventy.” Lacan’s mistress uses her bare foot to caress BHL’s crotch. He is hard within seconds.

The conversation drifts toward Barthes. The publisher delivers an ambiguous eulogy. Sollers explains: “Lots of homosexuals have given me the same strange impression, now and then—as if they’re being eaten up from inside…” Kristeva points out to the eleven guests: “As I’m sure you know, we were very close. Roland adored Philippe and [she sounds suddenly modest and mysterious] he liked me very much.” BHL insists on adding: “He could never stand Marxism-Leninism.” The publisher: “He adored Brecht, though.” Hélène, venomously: “And China? What did he think of China?” Althusser frowns. The Chinese woman looks up. Sollers replies in a relaxed way: “Boring. But no more than the rest of the world.” The Bulgarian linguist, who knew Barthes well: “Except for Japan.” The Canadian feminist, who did her master’s under Barthes, remembers: “He was very welcoming and very lonely.” The publisher says knowingly: “Yes and no. He knew how to surround himself … when he wanted to. He wasn’t without resources, in spite of everything.” Lacan’s mistress slides farther down her chair to massage BHL’s balls with her toes.

BHL is imperturbable: “It’s good to have a master. But you must know how to detach yourself from him. With me, for example, at the école Normale—” Kristeva interrupts him with a dry laugh: “Why are the French so obsessed with their education? They can’t go two hours without mentioning it. It reminds me of old soldiers.” The publisher agrees: “That’s true. In France, we’re all nostalgic for our school days.” Sollers says teasingly: “Well, some stay in school all their lives.” But Althusser doesn’t react. Hélène grinds her teeth at this middle-class compulsion: imagining their own experience holds for everyone. She didn’t like school, and she didn’t stay there long either.

The doorbell rings. Kristeva gets up to open it. In the entrance hall, she can be seen talking to a badly dressed man with a mustache. The conversation lasts less than a minute. Then she comes back to the table as if nothing happened, saying simply (and her accent resurfaces for a second): “Sorrrry, just some borrring work stuff. For my office.” The publisher goes on: “In France, academic success has too much influence on social success.” The Bulgarian linguist stares at Kristeva: “But thankfully, it is not the only factor. Isn’t that true, Julia?” Kristeva says something in Bulgarian. Then the two of them begin talking in their native language: brief, muttered replies. If there is any hostility between them, the ambience around the table makes it impossible for the other guests to detect it. Sollers intervenes: “Come on, now, children, no whispering, ha ha…” Then he addresses the Canadian feminist: “So, my dear friend, how is your novel going? I agree with Aragon, you know … The woman is the future of the man … and therefore of literature … because the woman is death … and literature is always on the side of death…” And while he vividly imagines the Canadian peeling back his foreskin, he asks Kristeva if she would like to go and fetch dessert. Kristeva gets to her feet and starts clearing the table, helped by the Chinese woman, and while the two women disappear once again into the kitchen, the publisher takes out a cigar and cuts the end off it with the bread knife. Lacan’s mistress continues to perform contortions on her chair. The New York couple hold hands and smile politely. Sollers imagines a foursome with the Canadian and tennis rackets. BHL, hard as a rock, says they should invite Solzhenitsyn next time. Hélène scolds Althusser: “You pig! You made a stain!” She wipes his shirt with a napkin dipped in a little sparkling water. Lacan quietly sings a sort of Jewish nursery rhyme. The others pretend not to notice. In the kitchen, Kristeva grabs the Chinese woman by the waist. BHL says to Sollers: “When you think about it, Philippe, you’re better than Sartre: Stalinist, Maoist, papist … He always seems to be wrong, but you!… You change your mind so quickly that you don’t have time to be wrong.” Sollers sticks a cigarette in his cigarette holder. Lacan mumbles: “Sartre does not exist.” BHL continues: “In my next book, I—” Sollers interrupts him: “Sartre said that all anti-Communists are dogs … I say that all anti-Catholics are dogs … Anyway, it’s very simple: there is not a Jew of any worth who hasn’t been tempted to convert to Catholicism … Isn’t that true?… Darling, are you going to bring us dessert?” From the kitchen, Kristeva’s muffled voice replies that it’s coming.

The publisher says to Sollers that he might publish Hélène Cixous. Sollers replies: “Poor Derrida…” BHL again sees fit to tell everyone: “I have a great deal of affection for Derrida. He was my tutor at the école. Along with you, dear Louis. But he is not a philosopher. I can think of only three French philosophers who are still alive: Sartre, Levinas, and Althusser.” Althusser does not react to this flattery. Hélène conceals her irritation. The American man asks: “What about Pierre Bowrdieu—isn’t he a good philosopher?” BHL replies that he went to the école Normale but he is certainly not a philosopher. The publisher explains to the American that Bourdieu is a sociologist who did a lot of work on invisible inequalities, and cultural, social, symbolic capital … Sollers makes a show of yawning. “Above all, he is boring beyond belief … His habitus … Yes, we are not all equal—who would have guessed? And, allow me to let you all in on a little secret … shhh … gather around and listen … It has always been like that and it always will be … Incredible, huh?”

Sollers becomes more and more garbled: “Rise above! Rise above! Abstraction, quick!… We’re not Elsa and Aragon, no more than Sartre and Beauvoir. Wrong!… Adultery is a criminal conversation … Oh yeah … oh yeah … And while we’re at it … Here. Now. Really here … Really now … Fashion is often true…” His gaze wavers between the Canadian and Hélène. “The Maoist affair? It was our age’s entertainment … China … Romanticism … I’ve had to write some incendiary things, it’s true … I’m a great heckler … The best in the country…”

Laurent Binet's books