I wish I could take it off.
Do I have to do everything for you, young lady? Mum said this morning. It was my silly beach sandals. The buckles got stuck so she bent down to help me, her hair falling over her eyes as she looked up at me, winking.
Ever so slowly, my hands come up to my throat, untying the stiff knot under my chin. It’s slimy from vomit but eventually loosens. I stretch the bag open, looking down to see my legs, all blue and mottled. They don’t look like me.
What if I get in trouble for taking it off?
I lift up the front a little, blinking. The light is dim but feels bright after the bag. I slide it off my head, looking around. My plastic shoes are all grubby and it’s horrid in here – a scary dark place with a mattress on the floor. There’s a table and another chair and stuff I don’t recognise. The walls and floor are made of brick and there are cobwebs everywhere. It’s really scary and there aren’t any windows.
I dash to the door but there’s no handle. I thump and scream and yell and cry out for someone to help me. Even after ages and ages and ages and ages and ages, no one comes.
Chapter Sixty-Eight
Maggie stared at Rain’s lifeless body. She was barely able to step inside the room where her daughter lay. She seemed so small and frail, almost transparent, as if her blood had already drained away. She was lying on a white sheet on her back, arms down by her sides. She was dead still, her thin eyelids pressed closed as if someone had set her face to look angelic – nothing like the feisty girl she knew. A police officer stood at the door, glancing at Maggie sympathetically as she edged past.
A nurse was at the foot of Rain’s bed, watching as she approached. From chubby, inquisitive toddler, to cute little girl keen to explore, to a hot-headed and troublesome teen intent on self-destruction, Maggie never believed she’d ever have to face this – a mother’s worst nightmare. Rain was a survivor, had always got on with life, somehow dodging trouble around her yet leaving a trail of it in her wake. Or had she got it wrong? Was her daughter way more vulnerable than she’d ever realised?
Maggie covered her face, allowing the first agonising sob to travel up her throat and out into the cup of her hands. She couldn’t bear to imagine what vile and ghastly ordeal her daughter must have gone through to end up like this. No one had told her anything yet. She wondered if it was better that way, not knowing the details.
‘For fuck’s sake!’ Rain snapped angrily, suddenly sitting up. Maggie screamed, jumping back as Rain swung her legs out of bed. The nurse was immediately beside her, steadying her, coaxing her back down onto the pillow again.
‘You can’t go anywhere, my love, you’re hooked up to a drip,’ the nurse said. ‘Lie back and rest,’ she continued, trying to settle her.
For a moment, Maggie couldn’t move, feeling lightheaded, as though she was going to pass out, but then the relief surged through her.
‘Fat fucking chance of that around here,’ Rain said, catching sight of her mother. ‘Why doesn’t everyone just leave me alone?’ She hurled her head back against the pillow, curling up her legs.
‘Oh, Rain…’ Maggie lunged for her, wrapping her arms tightly around her. ‘You’re alive!’ She’d never been so relieved to see her daughter so angry. ‘Oh, thank God, thank God…’
‘Of course I’m fucking alive.’ She scowled at her mother, though there was something else behind the hard stare – something broken and hurting that gradually took over from the anger. ‘I just want to get out of here. Please let me go… I have to …’ Rain trailed off. Her voice changed, became softer, tinged with a sob. She hugged her arms around her body. ‘Mum, will you tell them I’m fine, that I just want to go home? I don’t have to see the police again, do I?’ She was shaking now, her whole body trembling as her eyes rolled back.
‘She’s in a bit of shock,’ the nurse said. ‘And very dehydrated.’
‘Oh, my love,’ Maggie said, not failing to notice that she’d called her Mum. She hugged her tightly again and, for once, Rain didn’t protest. ‘I’ve been worried sick about you. We all have.’ She allowed herself a moment to breathe in the familiar scent of her daughter, pressing her face into her hair. That delicious scent was still there, faintly, but there was something else too, something slightly dirty and almost feral, as if she’d been living wild these last few days. Something earthy about her.
‘Mum, tell them I just want to go home.’ Rain’s voice was thin and weak. ‘Please?’
‘I think it’s best you do as they say,’ Maggie said, the nurse nodding in agreement. When she’d arrived at the hospital, PC Wyndham had handed her over to a doctor who had brought her straight to Rain, but before they’d even got inside the room, the doctor’s bleep had sounded, and she’d rushed off to an emergency, saying she’d be back as soon as she could. She hadn’t told her anything.
‘Just take me home, Mum.’
‘Stay here a little while longer, love. You need to see the doctor.’ Maggie studied her daughter. There was definitely something different about her – the childlike way she curled up in bed, the sad look in her eyes seeping out. ‘And you keep calling me Mum,’ she said, smiling. ‘I like that.’ Then she held her at arm’s length, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her daughter’s ear. Rain looked up at her, as if she wanted to say something, but whatever it was wouldn’t come out.
Another nurse came in wheeling an equipment trolley, making chit-chat as she strapped the blood pressure cuff around Rain’s arm. Her skin was dirty – patches of grime covering her forearms, with dark stuff under the crescents of her nails. Rain lay there as the machine gripped her arm, allowing these things to be done to her as though she’d given up fighting.
‘Remember last Christmas, Mum?’ she said, after the nurse had finished. Her voice was flat and quiet. ‘I was so excited about you fetching me from school at the end of term, thinking we’d have a lovely time gift shopping together, decorating the tree, just the two of us. But then I got a message from the secretary telling me to go home with Katie for a few days, that you’d gone to Barbados with that guy, Gareth. Next thing I know, we’re moving in with him.’ She drew up her knees, covering them with the gown. ‘So now, for once, would you please just take me home and…’ A little sob burst from between her lips which, unusually, weren’t daubed in bright lipstick. Instead, they were chapped and dull. ‘…and just keep me safe.’
‘Oh, my darling…’ Maggie moved closer to hug her, but this time Rain turned away.
‘I’ll leave you two alone for a moment,’ the nurse said. As she opened the door, Maggie caught sight of PC Wyndham along with Shona, Claire and Nick waiting in the corridor. They looked concerned, so she gave them a nod, indicating to give her a moment.
Maggie wanted to explain to Rain how hard it had been for her over the years; how the men in her life had been a compensation for her loneliness and childhood pain; how she’d never truly been happy; how she believed if she kept on running everything would somehow be OK. All she’d ever wanted was for her and Rain to be settled, to feel secure and loved. She knew she’d failed. And she also knew this wasn’t the right time to discuss it, especially as PC Wyndham had just come into the room. She touched Maggie on the elbow, giving her a relieved smile.
‘How are you feeling now, Rain?’ she asked.
Rain pulled the sheet up to her chin, as if she wanted to hide behind it. She was on the verge of tears. Maggie reached out a hand, resting it on the knot of her daughter’s fists.