She smoothed it out and started to read it, her hand flying to her mouth.
“What is it, sweetheart?” I asked, trying to turn the piece so I could see what it said.
Kari’s eyes went wide. “This is a letter I wrote to Blaine right after he left me! Where did you get this? How did it get here?”
“It was on the floor.”
Kari’s eyes scanned the room, but there was nothing else. I took the letter from her and read it, my chest burning.
Blaine,
I know you probably don’t care at all about what I’m going to say, but you’re going to read it. You deserve to understand what you’ve done to me.
I just got back from the doctor. Dr. Yarby told me to come in today because I had some spotting this morning. She said it was probably nothing but I should be seen.
I was so scared, Blaine. Not that you care because you left me as soon as you found out I was pregnant, not giving two thoughts to how I would feel. How I would raise a baby alone. What that would do to me. To our baby.
I went in and she did an ultrasound and some blood work and I’ve lost the baby. I’ve lost the one thing I didn’t think I’d ever have. Being pregnant was the most surreal, amazing, blessed feeling in the entire world. It was everything I ever wanted.
And it’s gone. It’s gone! It’s been taken away from me!
Every morning I would wake up and tell him or her good morning. I would rub my stomach and wait to feel it kick or flutter or something. I would talk to it all day long, tell it what I was doing or that it shouldn’t make me puke. I would sing it little songs and tell it all the things we’d do together. I promised it that I wouldn’t stop it from knowing you, if you wanted to know it. I bought baby books and picked out nursery colors. I bought a plane ticket to go tell my sister and do crazy baby shopping.
And then today—to have that all ripped from me. I can’t tell you what that feels like. I’ve lost everything. I’ve lost you, I’ve lost my child—I don’t even know what there is to live for! I’ve thought so many times about just driving my car off into one of the canals and letting myself go. Just end it all. Because what do I have left? I HAVE NOTHING. My heart is broken so badly I don’t think it’ll ever be fixed. The doctor said that she wasn’t completely surprised by the miscarriage and that I shouldn’t get my hopes up of ever having a baby again. She didn’t even see that it was necessary to use birth control pills.
I’ll never know that feeling again. I’ll never feel the tickle of something growing inside me. I’ll never feel the morning sickness that is awful but I was so thankful for. I’ll never feel the mother’s worry that something I’m eating could hurt my baby. My womb, my heart, my arms will always be empty. And there’s nothing I can do about it. And there’s no one I can cry to, no one to hold me. I’m sitting in this empty house all alone because you freaked out and left me to deal with this alone! How could you do this to me?
My heart broke for her. I looked up to see her watching me.
“Don’t say anything. That letter was a long time ago.” She watched me quietly before slowly grinning. “I thought I would never be okay. But you made me okay.”
“I just . . .” I couldn’t wrap my head around everything that had just transpired. I was enraged at Sam but destroyed at reading these words from Kari.
She shook her head. “Don’t. That’s not what’s important right now. There’s no way that just ended up on the floor here. This was in my box in the bedroom, Max.”
I watched her eyes fill with unshed tears as I tried to put the pieces together. Suddenly, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
“Sam’s purse spilled.”
“Oh my God!” Her eyes went wide, her jaw slack. “I was right. She’s been through my stuff!” She shook her head, her brown hair moving side-to-side. “That day for the spec book? She was in our room that day . . .”
“Kari-—” I started to object, but she waved me off.
“I think she was coming in my house way before that. I think she was the one coming in the back door! The red lipstick, the sunglasses, my missing bracelet that I know I put in my room! She’s been going through my shit for months! I thought it the other day, but even I thought it was crazy! Not anymore.”
I felt absolutely sick and furious at the same time. I jumped to my feet and paced a circle around the room.
“If that’s true, she would’ve known about Blaine and me before . . .”
I knew exactly what she was getting at. An eerie calm settled over me and I knew I was gonna need to try to keep ahold of that. Things were about to explode and, if they did in the way I imagined, it would be ugly.
“So when did she know?” I asked, trying to keep my voice even.