His eyes filled up. I’d not seen Adam cry before and I didn’t know whether to feel sad or resentful that someone other than me had caused it.
‘I ran all the way from the station, but by the time I got there, it was too late. The ambulance was already there, but there was nothing the paramedics could do to bring her back.’
I gasped as my hand flew to my mouth.
‘She was gone.’ He was sobbing now, hard, gut-wrenching sobs from the pit of his stomach, and I moved up to hold him.
I didn’t know whether to push him any further, but it would have felt odd not to know how or why.
‘What happened?’ I asked.
‘She’d always been asthmatic since she was a little girl, but she had it under control. She was able to lead a normal life, partying, going to the gym – as long as she had her inhaler, she was able to manage it. It was something we had to think about, but it didn’t stop us from doing anything. She was fit and happy.’
‘So why didn’t she use her inhaler?’
He laughed sarcastically, but I knew it wasn’t aimed at me. ‘That was the million-dollar question. She never went anywhere without it, but in all the excitement of moving, we think she just forgot.’
‘We?’
‘Me and her parents. She’d left one at theirs, but she always had a few dotted around, just so there was one at hand if she needed it. I found one in the kitchen drawer but it had run out. So she must have just forgotten, or lost sight of where they were, and which ones needed refilling.’
‘I am so, so sorry,’ I whispered. ‘Why haven’t you told me this before? I could have been helping you all this time. So that you didn’t feel alone.’
‘I’m okay.’ He sniffed. ‘Mum has always been there for me. She found her and called 999. It was hard for her because she adored Becky as much as I did.’
I felt a small stab in my chest at that. Suddenly it was ‘Becky’, and between her, Adam and Pammie, they had a bond that I could never be a part of, and which could never be broken. It felt like a competition that I just couldn’t begin to take part in. I berated myself for being so selfish.
I should be looking at it as a way forward, to help find answers in the complicated dichotomy that is the Banks family. It certainly went a long way to explaining why Pammie behaved the way she did towards me, and I softened at the thought that it was more to do with grief for Rebecca than a hatred towards me. I could begin to understand that: it gave me something to work with, something to use in her defence.
Adam shifted from beneath me, and pulled himself up to sit on the side of the bed. He sniffed and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
It wasn’t important, but I couldn’t resist. ‘Would you still be with her now, if that hadn’t happened?’
He snorted, shook his head, and stood up. ‘You’re unbelievable,’ he said, before picking up a t-shirt and shorts from the end of the bed.
‘I’m just asking.’
‘What do you want me to say to that?’ he said, his voice rising. ‘That yes, if she hadn’t died so tragically, we’d still be together? Would that make you feel better? Would it make you feel good to know that?’
I shook my head, suddenly embarrassed.
‘Well then, don’t ask stupid questions if you don’t want to know the answers.’
I hadn’t meant anything by it, but I could understand how it might have come across. I thought that now we’d finally been able to make love, Adam would feel happier and less stressed, but it still felt as if he had an anger just bubbling under the surface. All the time – directed at me.
‘I’ll go and finish dinner,’ he said.
21
I don’t know how Mum had become involved in the organization of my hen do. I’d officially handed the baton to my chief and only bridesmaid, Pippa, but then Seb had put his ha’penny in, and Mum a ha’penny more, and suddenly we all found ourselves tiptoeing through a minefield.
Pippa was bitching about Seb’s need for control, Mum was moaning that Pippa was keeping things from her, and I was just a pawn in the middle, not knowing whether I was coming or going.
The only stipulations I’d given them were no strippers, no matching hen t-shirts, and definitely no blow-up dolls. ‘Less is more,’ I’d gently encouraged, hoping for a slightly classier occasion than my brother’s wife Laura had had. She was taken to Blackpool for the weekend, had all of the above, but thankfully had no recollection of it. Still, there were at least six of us at the wedding who’d not consumed quite enough alcohol to erase the memory of her sliding up and down a pole and being given a lap dance.
Of course, the four-day bender that Stuart and twelve of his mates had had in Magaluf went by without incident, it seemed. For them, it was, apparently, rounds of golf, early dinners and quiet nights in. That’s the fundamental difference between them and us: men do what they do, not a word is whispered, and they carry on as if nothing happened. ‘What goes on tour, stays on tour,’ is the mantra we’re all supposed to live by, and us women could, if we didn’t come over all nostalgic two bottles of prosecco in and decide to video it all, for posterity, and to show our kids how wild we used to be.
‘I really don’t mind,’ I said to Mum when she called up to ask if I’d like it to be abroad or somewhere in the UK. ‘I think you’ll find Pippa’s already on it.’
‘Well, she is,’ she said, ‘but she’s not making it very easy for people who don’t have the money to be swanning about all over the world. She’s suggesting a yoga thingy in Iceland, or Las Vegas even. Some people just don’t have that kind of money, Emily.’ And nor would Pippa, usually; her dad was treating her.
‘I know, Mum. I don’t want anything too extravagant either, and besides, Adam and his mates are going to Vegas, so that rules that one out.’ I laughed, but she just tutted. ‘Look, Pippa knows what she’s doing and I’m sure she’ll take everyone into account.’
‘Well, Pammie wants to go to the Lake District,’ said Mum indignantly. A bolt shot across my chest.
‘Pammie? What’s she got to do with anything?’ I asked. I’d hoped that by giving the job to Pippa, I’d be exonerated of all responsibility as to who was invited and who wasn’t. That way, if Tess, my rather dreary work colleague, didn’t make the cut, it wouldn’t be my fault – and I couldn’t imagine Pammie being on the list.
‘She called yesterday to ask what the plans were,’ said Mum. ‘She wanted to arrange a little something for you, if nothing else was being organized.’
So, Pippa hadn’t invited her, it was my mother who had put her foot in it. I groaned inwardly.
‘What did you say to her?’ I said, keeping my voice chirpy. I hadn’t told Mum about my run-ins with Pammie because I didn’t want to worry her. I also didn’t want to create any unnecessary tension between them. I’d be stressed enough for everybody on our wedding day. I just wanted my family, especially Mum, to enjoy herself, without having to worry about what was going on behind the scenes. Pammie was my problem, and I’d deal with it.
‘Well, I told her that your friend was making enquiries,’ she answered defensively. ‘Was I not supposed to say that? See, I don’t know what I’m allowed to say to whom. It’s all getting a bit much.’
‘No, that’s fine, Mum. You can say whatever you like. Probably the only person you shouldn’t say too much to is me, because it’s meant to be a surprise.’
‘Yes, I know that dear. I’ll just keep it between me, Pippa, Seb and Pammie.’
I put the phone down and thought about calling Pippa or Seb, just to check how things were going, but I fought the control-freak in me down and left them to it.