Fenella had gone weeping to her mother, and Saidh had feared she would be stuck playing dolls again, but her mother had kept to her original rules. If Saidh wished to play hide-and-seek, then Fenella could either join in, or sit with her all day. Fenella had chosen to sit with Saidh’s mother that day and for two days following, but on the third day had finally come out to play with them. That was the day they’d played at being Britons and Saidh had left her tied to a tree. She had paid for that by having to play dolls the next day after Fenella had gone weeping to Saidh’s mother again and tattled.
And so Fenella’s stay at Buchanan had gone. If she didn’t get her way, she wept, which quite often got her her way. At least from Saidh’s mother and brothers. Since Saidh was not a crier, her brothers were unused to dealing with a weeping female and did whatever they could to shut the girl up. Saidh, however, not being a crier, just found the copious tears annoying and did her best to avoid the lass during her long visit. She’d been greatly relieved when Fenella’s father had come to take her home.
But she hadn’t held any of that against Fenella when her family had gone to attend the girl’s wedding to Hammish Kennedy. And Fenella didn’t appear to bear a grudge either. They’d got along well enough then during the little time they’d spent together before the wedding, although Saidh had found herself feeling somewhat awkward and lacking next to the dainty, ladylike woman Fenella had grown into. She still did, she supposed.
Frowning, Saidh glanced at Lady MacDonnell and asked, “Do ye really think Fenella killed yer son?”
“Aye,” Lady MacDonnell said at once, her expression hard, and then conflict crossed her face and she admitted, “I do no’ ken. There is just something . . .” Sighing, she eyed Saidh and asked, “Do ye think she is capable o’ it?”
Saidh turned her face down to her stitching. She knew Fenella was capable of it. She’d killed her first husband after all, but that had been under much different circumstances and after he’d abused her horribly. However, Fenella claimed Allen was nothing like Hammish Kennedy. In fact, from what Fenella had said, Allen had been the perfect man for her.
Raising her head, she said, “I suspect everyone is capable o’ killing in the right circumstances, but from what Fenella has told me she truly loved yer son. She says he was most kind to her, and considerate.”
Lady MacDonnell released a short laugh and shook her head. “He was kind enough to leave her alone in her bed and considerate enough to order the servants to do what would make her happy so that he did no’ have to and was free to go on doing as he wished.”
“Ye knew he was no’ claiming his husbandly rights?” Saidh asked with surprise.
“Oh, aye,” Lady MacDonnell said with a crooked smile, and then told her solemnly, “Me son ne’er lied to me, and told me years ago that he preferred the company o’ men.”
“Do no’ all men prefer the company o’ other men?” Saidh asked dryly.
“Not usually in their bed,” Lady MacDonnell said in hushed tones.
Saidh stared at her wide-eyed. “Allen . . .”
Lady MacDonnell nodded sadly. “Allen was a good son; smart, strong, an excellent warrior and laird, and ever kind and affectionate with me. He always did what was expected o’ him, except in this one area, and I believe he would ha’e if he could ha’e, but he simply could no’. ”
“He told ye this?” she asked with disbelief.
“As I said, he was ever honest with me,” Lady MacDonnell said with a little sigh and then shook her head. “And I think he wanted me to understand. Ye see, he did no’ want to be that way. ’Tis a dangerous and difficult life. The church considers it unnatural and has men like him burnt at the stake, or mutilated and then hanged,” she pointed out.
“Aye,” Saidh murmured. The church was very much against sodomites. Frowning, she shook her head. “Then why did he no’ just . . .” She paused helplessly, unsure how to put it.
“Why did he no’ just decide to prefer the company o’ women?” Lady MacDonnell suggested quietly, and when Saidh nodded she announced out of the blue, “I detest fish.”
Saidh blinked in confusion at what seemed a change in subject, but then said, “I do no’ care fer it meself. I’d rather no’ eat at all than suffer fish fer a meal. I prefer beef and chicken and suchlike.”
“Aye. So do I,” Lady MacDonnell admitted, and then asked, “But why do ye no’ like fish? Did ye sit down one day and simply decide ye’d no’ like it?”
“Nay,” Saidh said on a laugh at the very suggestion. “I’ve naught against fish. ’Tis just no’ to me taste. ’Tis too . . . fishy,” she finished helplessly.
Lady MacDonnell nodded. “ ’Tis the same fer me. And that is how Allen made me understand. He did no’ sit down one day and decide he did no’ like women and preferred men. Women were just no’ to his taste. He said, he realized that he was different when a lad began to moan on about one o’ the maids in the castle where they were squiring together. The lad was drooling after her rather large breasts, saying they were the finest he’d ever seen, and asked Allen if he did no’ agree. Allen told me that he then looked at the woman, but did no’ think she was all that fine or worth the other boy’s lavish comments. In fact, he did no’ find her attractive at all, although the other squire was attractive to him.”
“Oh,” Saidh breathed.
“He told me that he did no’ wish to be that way, that his life would be much easier if he were like other men, so he’d tried to like women, but he just did no’ seem to have been made that way.” Lady MacDonnell’s expression was terribly sad, her voice soft as she admitted, “It tormented him terribly. He felt shame and confusion and was sure he was a failure as a son. But he assured me that he would do his duty and marry and present me with grandchildren as was expected.”
“Oh,” Saidh repeated weakly.
“And so, he set about finding a bride,” Lady MacDonnell continued quietly. “I told him he must be most careful in his choosing, that most brides would expect him to claim his marital rights on a regular basis and that he could wound their esteem with his lack of interest. So he set out in search of one who would not be wounded by his lack o’ interest.”