“Good advice,” he says. “Why don’t you take it?”
“Fine.” As the trail gets steeper, I focus on the back of Nick’s legs, how the muscles in his calves flex with each step. From the way he maneuvers around loose rocks and tree roots sticking out of the ground with ease, you’d think he were the guide. I adjust my backpack, which feels like an incubator holding all my body heat under it, and try to match Nick’s momentum. But each time I attempt to speed up, I slip slightly and the rocks give way under my feet. I picture each pebble rolling all the way to the bottom, which is well over a thousand feet, according to Jacob, who has an incessant need to remind us at every marker.
When we hit marker number three, Jacob announces that we’re going to take a water break and instructs us to check out the spectacular view of the island of Molokini. Barbie and Ken pull out a selfie stick, Barbie giggling as she leans in to kiss him.
I think of James and when we traveled together for the first time. Before our first long weekend away in San Francisco, a city neither of us had been to, I said, “I’ll do anything except tours. I don’t like being at someone’s mercy when I’m sightseeing.” His face fell, and he said simply, “Well, I guess we won’t be needing this!” And he tossed a brochure about a tour of Alcatraz onto the table. I immediately told him I was sorry and offered to go, but he refused. I could tell he felt stupid, and after several attempts to apologize, I gave up. And now, as I listen to Jacob ramble about Maui, I have to live with the fact that he’d taken another woman to do the things I wouldn’t.
“You know you’re facing the wrong direction?” Jacob says, sticking out his pointer finger. “The view is thataway.”
I laugh awkwardly. “I know. I’m just a little freaked out about how high up we are.”
Jacob raises a bushy eyebrow, which seems comical against his bald head. “Interesting choice for a sightseeing trip.”
“I know.”
“Then why are you all the way up here when you could be down there? I’m sure you read about the many fine things Maui has to offer at sea level—or below, if that’s your bag.”
I catch Nick’s eye and nod so he knows I need him. Because obviously I can’t tell Jacob the truth: that my husband died on the road to Hana when I thought he was in Kansas and we were still in a pretty decent marriage. And I’m here with his mistress’s fiancé, retracing their footsteps up this west Maui mountain range to try to figure out why they wanted each other instead of us.
Nick drops his backpack in front of us. “Great tour, Jacob,” he says, shaking his hand. “Our friends did this hike in May and raved about you. Said you are an amazing five-star tour guide and we absolutely couldn’t let Jacks’s fear keep us from taking your tour.” Nick puts his arm around my shoulder. “Right, honey?”
“Right.” I lean my head against him, the earlier awkwardness gone. My torso fits perfectly into the groove of his side, and I try to brush off the flash of guilt that passes through me.
Jacob laughs. “Wow. With praise like that, I hope your pals gave me a Yelp review! Who were they?”
“Dylan and James,” Nick says; then when Jacob doesn’t recognize them based on just their names like the others had, he describes them. As I listen, I’m struck by how he speaks about James—as if he knew him his entire life. And I wonder, would James and Nick have been friends under other circumstances? Would Dylan and I have been friends if I’d bumped into her at Target?
“Yes, I remember them now.” Jacob frowns, and I wonder if he read about their accident in the newspaper. So far, only our first bartender has connected the dots. “But if they’re the couple I’m thinking of, I don’t think they’ll be giving me a five-star review.”
Obviously he doesn’t know. He’s still speaking about them in the present tense.
“Really?” Nick and I say in unison.
“I probably shouldn’t say anything.”
“It’s okay, James confided that they were having some problems.” Nick jumps in and twirls the lie without skipping a beat.
“Ya, it sure seemed like that. I overheard them bickering before we even started the trail.” He pauses as if he knows what we’re wondering. “I have no idea what about—but you know, that didn’t seem that unusual to me—I’ve seen it all. Honeymooners duking it out, newly engaged folks just like you two, battling. Even in a place like this, it happens.”
Nick and I nod. I’m not sure if Nick really knows what Jacob means, but I do.
“Then once we started hiking—we weren’t even to marker one—she sat down. Said she was a bit dizzy. That she didn’t eat breakfast. But she didn’t want to stop. We both kept checking in, asking her if she was okay. And she said she was, but it was clear she was having a hard time. Finally, James told me they had to quit—that she wasn’t up to it.”
Nick bites his lower lip and balls his hands into fists at his sides. “Did they say what was wrong with her?”
“No, just that she was tired. I offered to stop the tour and escort them back to the bottom of the trail, but James refused, arguing that they weren’t that far up anyway. And Dylan agreed with him. So I let them go back on their own, just hoping the boss didn’t find out. Because it’s really against policy. But I could tell James wasn’t going to take no for an answer.”
Jacob stops talking, and a palpable silence descends until he starts again. “So was she okay? Was she just overheating or maybe even a little out of shape? Because this hike isn’t easy, especially on a hot day like that. Maybe she’d had too much champagne the night before? We see it all here.” He stops again and looks at Nick. Before Nick can respond, Jacob waves his hands. “Ah, I’m being rude. It’s none of my business anyway; we’d better get on with this hike!”
An hour and a half later, we reach the top. Jacob explains that we’re at the Kealaloloa Ridge and tells us we’re looking at the Kaheawa Wind Farm and there are thirty-five wind turbines stretched out before us that are visible from all over Maui. I take a deep breath as Jacob rambles about the history of the wind farm and decide that this time I don’t need Nick’s guided meditation to help me through. If I learned anything yesterday, it’s that I’m stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for. I made it up this ass-blasting, thigh-burning, steep and rocky hike without a single anxiety attack. And I also accomplished it when she couldn’t. And I know how that sounds—that she got sick and I’m happy about it. And maybe that’s true. But I can’t help but feel competitive. She was sleeping with my husband, after all.
“You did it.” Nick walks up behind me, placing his hand on mine.
“I did,” I say as I look over the cliff’s edge toward the ocean below, letting the wind slice through my hair. I’m shaking, and my heart feels like it might burst through my chest. But you know what? I feel alive.
CHAPTER TWENTY
JACKS—BEFORE
I sipped my pi?a colada, the cool mix of rum, pineapple, and coconut tasting exactly like I imagined paradise would. My head still buzzed slightly from all the wedding festivities. I was no longer Jacks Conner. Now I’d answer to Mrs. James Morales. And rather than merely drooling over pictures of the cabanas at the Four Seasons hotel in Wailea, I was relaxing in one, the attentive pool boy popping by every few minutes to see if I needed a refill, a cool towel, or anything at all.