“You truly are my other half, Della.” My voice broke, cracked, shattered. “And now…now I’m leaving you again. But this time, it’s not by choice.”
My arm latched her closer, smothering her against me. “It’s not fair. I know I should say I’m okay with it, but, Ribbon…I’m fucking terrified.” A cough exploded from my lips.
“Ren.” Della crawled up my body, curling into me with her knees bent and face tucked in the crook of my shoulder, her tears loud in my ear.
I hugged her closer as my own tears came again, and honesty that I’d promised myself would stay trapped inside overflowed. “For the first time, you won’t be there. I won’t have you by my side. I don’t want to go anywhere without you. I can’t do it. I-I—” I coughed again, working myself up, causing my lungs to falter.
“Ren…stop.”
“No, I-I have to get this out. I’m so sorry, Della. So eternally sorry that I’m leaving against our wishes. I wish I never got sick. I wish I could continue holding you—”
“I know. Me too.”
“I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to hurt you. I can’t believe I have the audacity to complain about dying while you…you have the harder path. I never wanted to do this to you, Della. Never wanted to cause you so much pain.”
“I know you didn’t.”
“And I’m sorry for being weak now. For ruining this even more.”
“You’re not—”
“You were my biggest joy, and now, you’re my greatest sadness.” I swiped my face free from tears, glowering at the blackness. “Fuck, I’m not being fair. I’m being so selfish. So cruel. I should tell you I’m not afraid. That I’m okay saying goodbye—”
A cough ripped my voice apart, tearing through the night.
It took a while before I could breathe well enough to continue. “I should accept that this is just life. But I don’t accept it. I rage against it. Because fate’s plan was you. You and me. Together. And now…”
I coughed again, shaking both of us.
“Shush, Ren. I know. I know more than you think.” Her touch feathered over my wet cheeks, her hand shaking. “I’m just as angry as you. Just as twisted with hate at how unfair all of this is. I’m not ready to say goodbye, either.” She kissed me, her sadness mixing with mine. “I never will be.”
I held her close, kissing her violently, wanting to drink her soul and take her with me. “Without you, what am I? Who am I?” My teeth nipped at her lip. “Almost every memory I have, you’re in. Almost every recollection, you’re there. And I know I’m the same for you. Our lives are so entwined, there is no before. No time where we were separate. Therefore, there can be no ending. Right?”
I kissed her again and again. “We’re tied together for life a-and we’ll just have to hold onto that. This isn’t the end. It can’t be. It just can’t.”
Della nodded, kissing me as furiously as I kissed her. “I’m tied to you just as surely as you’re tied to me, Ren Wild. We’ll never lose each other. Ever.”
Our breathing was haggard as our foreheads pressed together, and Della climbed back onto my lap.
Somehow, I was hard even though I was distraught, and she slid me inside her, connecting us even while we said our goodbyes.
As we rocked together, I allowed myself to be spiteful. To speak the truth. To ease some of the burden I’d been carrying. “You’ll have a lifetime without me. I’m fucking heartbroken that it won’t be us anymore.”
Her sobs came hard. “Me too.”
“I’m jealous of your future, Little Ribbon.”
“Don’t be. I will always belong to you.”
“I’m livid at my inability to stop this. I want to bargain with the devil for one more year. I’d sell my soul for just one more day with you.”
“I’d sell mine, too.”
We grinded against each other, roughly, meanly. My hands guided her hips, clamping her down harder, forcing her to take all of me.
Talking ceased as we fought each other and our grief.
My coughing mixed with our groans, and hands slapped over our mouths to stay silent and not wake Jacob.
Before, we’d made love.
Now, we fucked.
And it was messy, wet, and nasty.
It was our version of the war inside our hearts, the physical need to hurt each other when none of this was our fault.
Finally, when my thrusts went deep and Della came around me, and my body released the sick cocktail of rage and relief, we clung to each other, sweaty and sad, our tempers no longer as hot.
My lungs were in agony.
My heart no longer rhythmical but failing hour by hour.
Kissing her cheek, I breathed, “I need you to move on, Della. I want you to be happy. I need you to live even when I’m no longer here.”
She shook her head. “No.”
“Yes. Live for Jacob. Live for me.”
“I can’t.”
“You can.” Hugging her close, I promised, “You can. Because this isn’t the end. We will never end because that isn’t what true love is. True love is constant. It has no beginning, middle, or end. Life might end, but love…that’s immortal.”
“I love you so much, Ren.”
“I know.”
“I’ll always be yours.”
I nodded, accepting her vow even when I shouldn’t. “I’ll wait for you, Della. I’ll watch you and Jacob…somehow.”
“Promise me you’ll always be near.”
“I promise.”
She kissed me sweet, a single word on her breath. “Good.”
And I knew what I needed to say in return.
A phrase that meant so much.
Four little letters that held such history and hope.
Tangling my fingers in her hair, I touched my lips to hers.
And all I whispered was, “Fine.”
CHAPTER SIXTY-SEVEN
DELLA
2032
REN DIED ONE week after Jacob turned ten.
It was as if he’d been holding on until that special age.
Clinging to life to see his son turn the same age he’d been when he’d saved me.
The symbolism in that tore out my heart, injecting exquisite sorrow that I’d never overcome.
I’d been rescued from a life of murder and hell by a ten-year-old boy who’d fallen in love with me. And I’d been left in the hands of another ten-year-old boy who was just as destroyed as I was now that his father was gone.
The fifth and final incident.
The one I’d hoped so badly wouldn’t come true.
My tears hadn’t stopped since I’d woken in the night, six days ago, and knew.
I knew.
I couldn’t explain it.
After we’d returned from Jacob’s birthday in the forest, neither of us mentioned our goodbyes in the tented dark. We continued as normal, with Ren slowly fading, and his refusals about going to the hospital coming often.
Rick Mackenzie had taken to visiting us, instead of Ren going to him, and the last house call…we’d all known would be the final one.
He’d wanted Ren to be admitted. To be put on Fentanyl and a steady dose of whatever drugs could extend his final moments.
But Ren refused.
His life belonged to the land and sky, and his death wouldn’t be spent in a building with concrete and glass.
I honoured that choice even if I hated watching him dim before me. How his body slowly gave up, piece by piece. How his energy levels diminished, breath by breath.
To start with, I trawled the internet for a last-minute miracle. I studied the use of goji berries and apricot kernels and every supposed super food out there.
But in the end, Ren stole my phone.
He turned off the internet, returning us to a world where it was just us and no one else, and we lived in our memories because that was all that was left.
The Wilsons visited often, all of us tasting what lingered in the air.
Liam and Chip and John shared a drink with Ren while they watched some nonsense on TV. Cassie and Nina curled up against him, saying their own goodbyes. And Jacob and me…we were his constant shadow. Part of him. Part of us. So damn aware that he’d be gone soon, and the house would be so empty without him.
And then six days ago, that terrible night arrived.
Ren coughed, but no more than often.
He had a fever, but not hotter than before.
We cleaned our teeth together, read a bit before turning out the light, and kissed each other goodnight like we did every evening.
A simple, domestic night.