There wasn’t a single other customer in the store as Ingrid took us into a second room. Here were racks of coats—most of them dried-out fur. I cleared my throat in an attempt to stifle a cough.
“Here we are.” Ingrid went behind a glass case, took some keys out of her pocket, and opened it. She reached inside and took out a velvet tray on which were set rows of rings. “Pick one,” she said.
At first glance, they all looked antique—Victorian, even—but as I peered closer I started to see all kinds of different periods and styles. There were some diamonds, although small. There was a large array of bands, too. Pavé and sapphire and one with tiny threads of white and yellow gold.
“They’re beautiful,” I said.
“Many happy marriages,” Ingrid told me. “I try and see if a marriage is happy, and if it is? I buy. No divorces.”
I didn’t stop to think about the impossibility of that—if people were happy, why were they getting rid of their rings? Had they all died? And if so, how could you be sure?
Tobias laughed. His hand was now on my shoulder and he started kneading there. I suddenly wished this was all being recorded—that I’d be able to see the replay tonight, next year, a decade from now.
“What about that one?” I pointed to a ring with three small emeralds in yellow gold.
“No, no,” Ingrid said. She shook her head. “You need something more traditional.”
“Oh,” I said. “I’m not really…” I looked up at Tobias. “I’m not that traditional.”
“No?” she asked. She peered at me for a moment. “Here. Try this.”
Ingrid handed me a white gold ring with a small diamond solitaire surrounded by yellow amethysts. To this day, it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed it right away.
“It’s gorgeous,” I said. “But I think it’s a little too much.” What I meant was expensive. The ring looked like it would cost our rent for the year.
“Just put it on,” she said.
Ingrid didn’t seem like a woman to disobey, and so I did as she said. I slid the ring over my finger. It glistened on my ring finger, proud. I shifted my hand gently in the light, watching it sparkle.
“Let me see.” This from Tobias.
I spun around and shook my hand like I was in a rap video. “Bling, no?” It was ridiculous, I knew. But it was still fun.
“That’s serious,” he said.
“I know.”
“How much?” he asked Ingrid.
“Normally, five thousand,” she said. “But for you, three.”
That was triple what we’d be able to pay. I immediately took it off.
“That’s too much,” I said. “But it’s beautiful. Is there anything else?”
“Sure, sure,” Ingrid said. “But nothing like that one. I call her Rose.”
Tobias had gone quiet behind me. I went in search of his hand. “Hey,” I said, tugging him closer. “What do you like?”
“I like that one,” he said. He looked determined. “The one you had on. We’ll buy it.”
“Tobias,” I said. I moved toward him and lowered my voice, trying to give us the illusion of privacy. “It’s way too much, come on.”
“Isn’t the man supposed to buy the ring?” he asked me. But it wasn’t a question. It wasn’t fun anymore. It was tinged with aggression.
“Yes, but baby, I don’t need that one. Let’s just pick something else, okay?”
I rifled through the rings. There was a sweet one with small chips of diamonds and amethysts in an intricate gold pattern. “How much is this one?” I asked Ingrid.
“Seven hundred,” she said. “It’s very sweet.”
I slipped it on. It fit perfectly. “What do you think?” I asked Tobias.
He barely looked down at my hand. “It’s fine,” he said.
“Tobias,” I said. “Fine isn’t good enough. Do you want to keep looking?”
He shook his head. “Sorry, it’s really nice.” He picked up my hand gingerly. “It looks great on you.” He gave me a small smile I knew was taking a lot of effort.
“I love it,” I said. I meant it, too. It wasn’t the first ring, but it felt good on my hand. I knew I wanted to leave it there.
“We’ll take it,” Tobias said.
I snuggled into him. He put his arm around me. We were trying at the moment. I wanted to recapture some of that playfulness I had felt when we first walked in.
“It’s a wise choice,” Ingrid said. “It looks lovely on you.” She didn’t seem any more or less pleased that we were going with the ring that was five times cheaper, and I felt a rush of affection for her.
We followed Ingrid back past the coatracks and into the main room. She stood behind the register and I watched Tobias take out his wallet. Seven hundred dollars was still a lot of money, money he didn’t have, and I knew it, but something told me not to offer to chip in. Tobias put a credit card down.
We hugged Ingrid good-bye and climbed the stairs to the street. It was markedly cooler than when we’d gone down. “I love it,” I told him. I looked down at my hand—the ring was twinkling in the last rays of summer sunshine. “And I love you.”
He pulled me toward him. “You sure you’re happy?” he said.
I wanted him to add with the ring, but he didn’t.
“Of course,” I said. “The happiest. I get to marry you.”
“Yeah,” he said. He nodded a few times.
I reached up and took his head in my hands. “This is all I need,” I said. “It’s all I’ll ever need.”
He hugged me then so tightly I almost couldn’t breathe. We clung to each other on that late afternoon as if we saw what was coming.
10:42 P.M.
WHEN TOBIAS’S LIPS FINALLY LEAVE MINE it takes me a second to remember where we are. Dinner. The list. I touch my fingers to my lips and blink back out at the table. Audrey and Conrad are looking at us. Robert is busying himself with his soufflé, and Jessica has her arms crossed next to me.
“I’m sure that fixed everything,” she deadpans.
“I miss being kissed like that,” Audrey says. Her voice is low and breathy, and then she startles up and looks at Conrad. I imagine, under the table, they’ve brushed legs.
Tobias is looking at me like he’s trying to gauge my reaction, but all I can think is that I want to know how he feels, what he’s thinking. I want to take his hand and run outside and take him home.
“Sorry,” Tobias says to me. “I didn’t mean to…” Tobias looks to Jessica. “Did you want us to get married?”
“Of course,” she says, but her words are unconvincing. “I wanted you guys to be happy. This isn’t about me.”
“It kind of is, though,” Tobias says. “You won’t stop talking, and you’re here.”
“Yeah, but I’m not kissing her. Plus, I’m alive.” Her face sneaks a smile, and Tobias notices.
“Jess,” he says. “Conrad is very much alive, as are you, and Sabrina.”
Jessica rolls her eyes, but the smile is still there.
“We used to have fun together,” he says. He scoots his chair so he’s facing me, talking to her. “Remember the night we drew all over Sabby in Magic Marker and put toothpaste on her feet?”
“She deserved it,” Jessica says. “She made us miss Book of Mormon.”
“It was my birthday,” I say.
“Yeah, twenty-fourth. You should have been able to handle your booze better.” Tobias needles me with his elbow, and Jessica laughs.
“You were so pissed,” she says. “You didn’t speak to either of us all day.”
“Correction,” I say. “I was puking all day.”
“Still,” Tobias says. “That was us.”
Jessica leans back and nods. “Yeah. It was. But that was a long time ago.”
I feel the air charged around me. Like I’m the space between the positive and negative ions. The dense collection of yes and no trying to come together and apart, together and apart.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have taken me back,” Tobias says. He’s leaning forward with his hands clasped over his knees. “After L.A. Maybe you should have moved on then, stayed with Paul, I don’t know.”
I think of saying no to that buzzer, of not letting him up and back into my life. But it was never a viable option. When Tobias came back, there was no alternative.
“I never asked you to stay,” I say. Not even to him, to the whole table. “I couldn’t come to L.A. with you, but I never asked you to stay.”