I returned his smile and chastised myself. He couldn’t know. Matching his posture, I held out my hand and he briefly shook it. “It’s no trouble. Really. Anything I can do to help, I am more than willing to do. I’m going to get started right now,” I said, turning to get away from him.
“Great,” he replied, effectively gaining my attention again. “Your group is ready.”
My group? I frowned and looked on. They still had enough volunteers to make enough groups. I had hoped I could go alone this time.
Lewis frowned. “You’re with Dan, Kate, Rick,” he said, reading their names from a piece of paper. He looked up and smiled. “And me.” I gritted my teeth and nodded. “Let’s get started. We’re meeting the others outside.”
My heart spiked in panic. I knew it was not accidental that I was in his search group. I had to look at it as a positive. Today I would convince him that I was only trying to help. Today I would fool him too. “Let’s go then,” I replied. He smiled tightly and turned. I followed him out the door. “Where are we starting?”
He looked forward, avoiding my gaze, tense. Too tense. “A field a few miles away, on the edge of town.” I smiled. Miles and miles away from my home.
“Any reason why there? It’s quite far from town.”
He sighed. “The logical places have been searched and searched. I’ll cover every inch of the country until I find her. I don’t care how far away it is.” The tragic thing was, he did love her. If he were a better boyfriend, then perhaps she would have been safe with him. Lewis was the sort of person who only realized his mistakes afterward. He didn’t think or plan forward—he was all hindsight—and that was exactly why I was the best person to take care of Lily.
Dan drove his car out of Long Thorpe through the miles of farmland and fields, toward town. I sat in the back with my side pressed firmly against the door. Dan’s wife, Kate, was a plump woman who had let herself go. It was hard to keep any distance in the back of their small hatchback.
“So do you want us to split up in the field or stick together?” Kate asked Lewis. Her hair was scrunched back in a messy tie and her makeup looked days old. She had yellowing teeth and her breath smelled of cigarettes and coffee. I gulped. I wanted to be anywhere but here. My foot tapped against the floor and I only realized I was doing it when Lewis looked over. I stopped and stared forward.
“Stick together. We’ll start on the edge and walk at the same pace a few feet apart,” he replied. “Look for…anything. There’s nothing in the field, so searching should be easy and quick.” He sounded like a professional.
***
I lined up between Lewis and Dan and very slowly walked forward. I kept my eyes on the ground, pretending to thoroughly search the area in front of me. Pausing occasionally, I bent down and picked up any old piece of rubbish, proving that I was searching hard and double-checking anything that caught my eye. The day was going to pass painfully slowly. When I could have been spending time with the girls, I was out in the freezing cold, searching a field for someone who was safe in my home.
Lewis looked over. “Thanks for helping again,” he said and looked back at the ground.
I swallowed. Why was he thanking me again? “Like I said, I just want to help. It’s really no problem. I wish there were more I could do.”
He frowned and a pained expression dominated his face. “Life goes on, apparently,” he replied quietly. Life was moving on for Lily. She was doing well. She was a part of my family and that was where she was staying. They had nothing to offer her now.
“I suppose it does. You’ve not stopped to work?”
“Nothing’s more important than finding her.” He looked up again. “I won’t stop until I find her and bring to justice whichever sick fucker took her.”
My throat ran dry. Why did it sound like he was saying that about me? I looked to my right, away from him. He knows. He’s found you out. Mother’s right, you can’t do anything properly. You’re useless. Pathetic. A failure. I pursed my lips, ignoring the agonizing tear in my heart. “She’s very lucky to have you. Some people would have given up by now.”
“I’m the lucky one. Do you live alone? No one missing you today?” I was taken aback by the sudden change of conversation.
“I live alone. I’m free to come and go as I please.”
“Hmm.” Where was he going with this? Why did he want to know that? He was trying to find out if I had a wife. Why? He was planning something. He’s coming to get you.
“Why do you ask?” I kept my voice calm and controlled, though underneath I was anything but.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have. I’ve just never seen you with anyone and didn’t want an angry wife at home waiting for you to get back.” That’s not why he asked. He knows you have her. He knows what you’ve been doing. Put him off. Take control.
“I’ll have more time to give now I’m back,” I said, sweeping my foot over a small mound of mud in an effort to look thorough.