“They might be riding around the mountain,” Lia guessed, acutely aware of how quiet Colvin was. “I do not know how wide this range is, but if they are traveling around it, we may catch them tomorrow. I wonder where they are camping tonight. Or if they stopped for shelter at an inn.”
Colvin said nothing and she wondered if he was asleep. It was strange being in Pry-Ree, even stranger being with him. The land was more wild and untamed than she expected. Not as savage as the Bearden Muir, but harsh and alien. There were plants she did not recognize and the air had a different smell to it, a musk from the redwoods that was different from the oaks she was used to. She settled on top of her blanket and pulled her cloak over her shoulders, sitting up and leaning back against the ridged inside of the trunk, not sure how she should feel about her homeland. It was not familiar but it was part of her still. She was a daughter of the land, even though she had no memories of it. She glanced down at the shadow of Colvin’s body and decided she would take the first watch while he slept. The wind rustled the air and the towering limbs of the giant trees creaked as they swayed.
“Lia?” His voice was soft, almost a whisper.
“Yes?”
Another silence.
“There is something I must tell you. A confession I must make.”
* * *
“We often want one thing and pray for another, not telling the truth even to ourselves.”
- Gideon Penman of Muirwood Abbey
* * *
CHAPTER THIRTY SIX:
Fallen Giants
“What is it?” Lia asked, turning around to face him. She could not see his face, it was so dark.
“Light the orb please.”
She withdrew it from her pouch and it shone, enclosing them both in a sheath of light. She set it on the ground in front of her. The air was musty with charcoal, getting colder with each moment. Her breath came out as a fog as she breathed. She moved closer to him, studying his serious face. His expression was restless and eager to say something, but his eyes were dark, reflecting one of his somber moods. He struggled with the words, looking down at the orb and then at her. She noticed a slight tremble in his hands.
“I was laying here,” he began, “trying to escape my thoughts in the dark. But I cannot escape them. Not any more. I have been in misery since we spoke in the orchard when it was raining. Up to that moment, I had persuaded myself that you were fond of that boy Duerden, that only my feelings were at risk. I was determined to master them. To control them.” He looked down at his hands and then up at her. “For the life of me, I cannot. I have wrestled against them. I have fought them. I have tried to burn them out with fury. To scald them out with regrets. Every verse in every tome I have ever read is flat and meaningless against what I am feeling. Ovidius comes the nearest, but his words only torture me. They do not comfort. I have lied to myself, and I have lied to you. I cannot do that any longer. I must tell you the truth.”
Lia’s heart was hammering so wildly, she did not know what to think. She hugged herself, but it was not the cold that made her shiver. It was giddiness, hope, fear, and longing all boiling and seizing inside her at once. She could only nod for him to go on, unable to trust herself with words.
Colvin looked down at his hands again, as if ashamed to meet her gaze. “I am not afraid of succumbing to a blind fit of passion. As a maston, I have made oaths that I will not break. I value the presence of the Medium, though I cannot hear it right now. Should I even be telling you this? My head says I should trust you. My heart is nearly bursting with the words.” He looked up at her again, his look more desperate. “My biggest fear was hurting you. Disappointing you. Now I must risk that though it pains me. It is so difficult…finding the words. The poets always could. But that is not my way.” He looked away, she could see the frustration by the clenched jaw muscles. She wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him, but she did not move. She waited until he was ready.