“Shhh…shhhh. It’s okay.”
My eyes flew open, and I shrieked when I saw Ash’s face so close to mine. I pushed him away, panicked, ready to fight him. He held my wrists and let me flail around, whispering softly to me. My heart rate slowed, and my surroundings came back to me. I was in my bed. I was at my mom’s house. Ash was not an Awakened. It was fine. Tears streamed down my face, and I looked back up at Ash, ashamed.
“I’m sorry,” I said, in between heavy breaths. “I’m sorry. Did I hit you?”
He smiled slightly. “You have a nice right hook. It’s fine. Are you okay?”
I rubbed the sleepiness out of my eyes and peered up at him. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I took a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart. The room came more into focus, and there was a little bit of light from the moon streaming in through the blinds, casting Ash’s face into view. It was full of concern as he waited patiently for me to calm down, his hands till grasping my wrists. I looked down at them. He followed my line of sight and dropped them. “I’m fine. I think I should just go back to bed.”
“Zoey,” he said, softly. I looked up at him. “I don’t think you’re okay. But that’s not a bad thing. You don’t have to be okay. No one would be.”
I felt my lips tremble. I pressed them tight together, holding back the sobs that I had been holding in for days. I felt the tears well up in the corners of my eyes, dripping down my face, and I knew there was no force in the world to keep them held back any longer. I didn’t want to keep them back. I was overwhelmed. I tried to be strong for so long, to take care of myself, to take care of Ash, to focus on our safety that I never gave myself a chance to mourn. I never mourned Bandit. I never mourned New York City. I never mourned Madison or the way my life was before. I never mourned my dad.
“It’s okay to cry, Z; no one is going to judge you. I’m here.”
I didn’t know if it was his words whispered to me in the darkness or my dam finally collapsing, but the tears wouldn’t stop. I covered my mouth, but the sobs came through loud and wild and full of pain.
“I killed Madison. I killed her, Ash. I killed my best friend.” The words felt like they were being yanked out of me. “And my dad…and everyone. They’re all gone. They’re gone.”
“I know, I know.” His words were soft, gentle, understanding.
“Madison…Dad…Bandit…”
I cried until my eyes ran dry. It was an ugly cry. I knew my eyes were bloodshot, and my nose was red, and I knew I was covered in tears and snot. I was crying so hard I was choking on the sobs, finding it hard to breathe. I cried so hard that I didn’t even realize that Ash had crawled into bed with me and had pulled me into his arms. I cried myself dry, until there was nothing left in me.
I stayed quiet for a few minutes, my forehead pressed to his chest, breathing heavily before I said quietly, “I think you probably have to change your shirt now.” I pulled back, placing my palm on his chest, and feeling the wetness of my tears and snot on it. I cringed. “I’m sorry. I cried all over you.”
His arms were wrapped firmly around me, even as I pulled away. “It’s fine. How do you feel now?”
I thought about it. “Better. Much better. Not good though.”
“Good will come. Eventually,” he said. “Don’t rush for good. Just keep trying to get better. Just a little better each day.”
A small smile crept up onto my face. “When did you get so smart?”
“I’ve always been like that,” he said, laughter in his voice. “You’ve just never noticed before.” His arms left my body, and I felt a rush of cold air around me. “Get some sleep.” He started crawling over to his trundle bed.
I hesitated, and then said, “Ash?”
He looked back at me. “Yeah?”
“Can you…” I squirmed uncontrollably, hardly believing what I was about to ask him. “Can you stay here, with me?”
His eyebrow rose in confusion. “I’m not going anywhere.” I didn’t answer, just lifted the blanket and scooted over, not meeting his eyes. “Oh. Oh!”
The next few seconds were the like the longest seconds of my life. When I felt the bed sink down from his weight and the warmth of his body under the covers with me, I felt like letting out a sigh of relief. I didn’t though of course; I just scooted over to lie down with my back to Ash. His hand crept across the blanket before meeting mine. I jerked back before letting his fingers intertwine with mine. The sound of deep breaths met my ears a moment later, and I fell asleep, my hand clutched in his.