Ash’s eyes grew wide. “Right. Okay. Five days.”
My fingers were folded tightly into fists, the nails biting into the skin of my palms, and I could feel the stretching of the cuts on my legs. I was exhausted, so tired. Every inch of my body was in some kind of pain, and I was covered in dirty and blood. I needed to be clean again. I wanted to wash everything about this day off of me. And I was still on my stupid period.
“We have to do it, Ash,” I said firmly, standing up and shouldering my pack again. “Now, let’s go.”
WE HAD BEEN TRAVELING FOR about six hours when we decided to stop. There was a thick forest, and we stumbled upon a small creek. It was frozen over in a thin sheet of ice that was easily broken through with the butt of my gun. It was too small to fully submerge ourselves in, but that would have been a bad idea anyway. It was freezing, and I had no desire to remove any clothing. The stream was adequate enough though, and I used some of the water to clean myself up, scrubbing as much of the crusty blood off my skin as possible. My teeth were chattering and the tips of my fingers were blue.
I was scared to build a fire, though we really needed one. We had already encountered a couple groups of Awakened while on the road, and I didn’t want to call any more attention to ourselves than necessary. Lighting a fire would be risky. I bundled myself up tight in a coat and took the first watch.
We spent a couple hours in silence before I broke down and built a small fire. It was freezing, and I knew it would not be long before it started snowing in these parts. I pulled out my useless phone out of my pocket, where I had kept it out of habit. The screen was blank, dead, and I remembered when I could check the weather, the time, everything with the slight touch of the screen. Now, I didn’t know if it would get hotter or colder, whether it was going to rain or snow. I didn’t even know if we were going in the right direction.
I had been spoiled back home, and now, on the road, I was helpless. Now I felt completely responsible for the boy that I had a feeling I was falling for, the boy my dad had saved. I didn’t know how to save Ash any more than I knew how to save myself. He was curled up on the ground, but awoke when I started the fire. He spotted it, eyes wide and grateful.
“Is that a good idea?” he whispered to me, reaching his hands out toward the fire. “We don’t want any wandering Awakened to notice.”
“At least we can fight them,” I said back, wrapping my coat tighter around me. “I’d rather fight for my life than die of hypothermia.”
He nodded. “Do you want to switch?”
I shook my head. “Go back to sleep. I’ll wake you up when I’m tired. I could use some time to myself.”
He nodded again, pulling the collar of his coat above his ears and curled up closer to the fire. It wasn’t long before his soft snores filled the air again. I sighed, settling up against a tree trunk, my gun in my hand.
I felt like laughing, and I didn’t know why. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or the fact that I had so much grief and panic and fear piled up in me that I didn’t know when it was going to burst out. I couldn’t handle all these emotions piled up inside me, and for the moment, I pushed them down.
I felt stupid. I felt foolish. I read more than any person that I’d ever met. I worshipped strong female characters who knew how to fight, how to kill and save the day. I fell in love with the strong male leads. I escaped into these worlds, and I’d always wanted to live them. Worlds where things got worse before they got better but where the day was always saved—where the good guy always won.
The real world wasn’t like that. I was more terrified than I had ever been in my entire life. I had a gun in my hand, but I didn’t feel like a hero. I didn’t feel like Arwen or Katniss or Hermione. I didn’t feel brave, like a survivor. I felt like a little girl, who was scared and alone. The situation was hopeless. Unlike the books, I didn’t think there was a way to beat the bad guys. I didn’t even know who the bad guys were.
Where had the Awakened come from? Were the bodies stolen, or had they left on their own accord? Was Liam insane for thinking that someone had released them? Nothing made sense, and we knew so little. I had only one plan: to get us to Nebraska. I had nothing past that. I couldn’t stop questioning absolutely everything. What if my mother wasn’t even there? What if she and Caspar were dead?