I blinked, speechless, amazed at how I had managed to bumble my way into this one. What could I say now? That the truth had come to me while making out with my photography tutor?
“Does it really matter? The point is, I get it now. Finally. I understand which world I belong in. I am Amish, Rachel, and I have been for years. I just need to make it official. I’m ready to join the church and be Amish for the rest of my life. I’m ready for all of it. For…us.”
I wanted her to be happy, but instead she just wouldn’t let it go.
“Ya, I understand, but I know you, Tyler. I know this voice. What is it you’re not telling me?”
I exhaled, mentally kicking myself all the while.
“Look, it was just some spur-of-the-moment thing. Stupid, really. What matters is what I realized, not what I was doing when I realized it.”
“Come on, Tyler. I want to understand.”
I blew out a long, slow breath. “Fine. Lark and I kissed, if you have to know. But as soon as we did, it struck me that this guy kissing her was the other Tyler, the one I’ve always seen in the pond—and that I don’t want to be that guy. I want to be the one who’s looking into the pond, the Amish one. The one who loves you and wants to make a life with you. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Not surprisingly, she remained quiet. I knew she needed to think over not just the promise of my words but the betrayal of my actions.
“I’m so sorry, Rachel,” I whispered. “I shouldn’t have let it happen. I had no business kissing anyone but you. It was just the situation and the timing and all of my confusion and everything. Nothing like that would ever—could ever—happen again. Ever. Please forgive me.”
Still she said nothing. When she finally spoke, her voice sounded distant. Cold.
“I forgive you, Tyler. And I’m happy you have finally decided which world you want. But…”
I waited, taking in a breath and holding it as she continued.
“But now I have some thinking to do too.”
“Thinking? About what? About us? About me?”
She sighed heavily. “Tyler, I’ve always thought it was you and me. Forever. Since we were children, you know? But I see now…”
“What? You see what?”
“That it’s different for you. Unlike me, you’ve been holding on to the possibility that there might be someone else.”
I groaned. “That’s not true, Rachel. That’s not it at all. This search hasn’t been about choosing who I want to spend my life with. It’s been about choosing a church, a home, a place to belong. A world.”
“Ya, a world that could or could not include me as the person at your side.”
I swallowed hard, unable to deny those words. “I couldn’t join the church solely out of love for you,” I whispered. “That would have been wrong.”
“Ya, I know, and I’ve always understood that. I’ve been patient, but I’ve been waiting years now, Tyler, years for you to be ready to take that next step. I never quite understood why it dragged on for so long, but I see now what at least part of this delay has been about.”
“I’ve had doubts about joining the church,” I reiterated.
“Ya, but I have to believe you have also had doubts about taking me as your wife.”
I closed my eyes, wondering how to make her understand. This had never been about her at all. If anything, it was my love for her that had kept me in Lancaster County for so long, that had kept me from asking these questions and going on this journey way before now.
“How can I convince you that my love for you is true? That I’m finally ready to take that next step?”
She didn’t answer, but I could hear the telltale sounds of her crying.
“Look, I’ll be home in less than two weeks,” I pressed. “Once I can see you in person, once I can take you in my arms and ask you to be my wife, then you will know that my doubts have never been about you. Please, Rachel. I love you. I want it to be you and me, side by side, for the rest of our lives.”
“Hold on,” she whispered, and I heard the phone clunk down onto a hard surface, heard the soft whish of tissue being taken from a box as she pulled herself together. When she returned to the phone, she was hoarse with grief.
“Look, I gave you the freedom for you to do what you needed to do. I ask you to please do the same for me. I don’t think we should talk again for a while.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you can come back if you want, but I can’t promise I’ll still be here for you when you do.”
“Rachel, you can’t—”
“I’m hanging up now, Tyler. I have always loved you. And I wish you the best. But I have some decisions to make as well.”
With that, she ended the connection between us, leaving me with a dead phone and two searing dilemmas.
I had hurt the person I most loved in the world.
And I didn’t know how to make it right.
When I went inside, my expression must have shown everything. Liz did a discreet double take as I made a beeline for the stairs.
“Everything okay between you and Rachel?” she asked.