I leaned forward, my voice growing somber. “Listen, I’m really sorry I missed your call on Saturday. You’ve no idea how sorry.”
“I understand, Tyler,” she replied. “These things happen.”
“I know, but I wanted to talk so badly. I really did. I needed to know how you are, if you’re okay, what you’ve been doing. And I wanted to hear the sound of your voice. A recording wasn’t enough. I wanted to hear you.”
“Ya. That’s how it was here, too.”
“And there are so many things I want to tell you, Rachel, so many things I’ve been discovering.”
“Like what?”
“Not yet,” I replied, watching as a squirrel darted out from behind the shed, ran to an empty birdfeeder, and began picking around on the ground underneath for seeds. “First things first. Tell me about you. How are you? What’s been going on there since I left?”
“Do you even have to ask?” she said, and I could just picture her on the other end of the line, lips curled into a pretty smile, blue eyes sparkling. “It’s that time of year, remember.”
“Ach. Right. Weddings. Have you been to many?”
“Been to them, cooked for them, served at them. I think we may set a record this year for marriages in Lancaster County. I’m so tired of roasted chicken! I told my mother we should do a ham for Thanksgiving this year. Two weddings later, she has finally agreed with me.”
Rachel went on, her voice growing more relaxed as she talked about various friends and relatives, catching me up on all the news I’d missed since leaving home. As she chattered on, I watched the squirrel exhaust the supply of seeds on the ground and make his way up the pole, seeking more. Unfortunately for him, the birds had beaten him to it.
“But you don’t want to hear all of this,” Rachel said finally, just as the squirrel gave up, skittered back down the pole, and ran off into the trees. “I’m sure things are much more exciting out there in California. Have you seen any movie stars? Gone in the ocean? Started drinking fancy coffees with long, complicated names?”
She was being silly, but I was eager to move on to more serious topics. “Nah. It hasn’t been all fun and games out here, you know.”
When she replied, her voice was soft, her tone gentle and kind. “Of course not. Talk to me, Tyler. Tell me what’s been happening with you.”
Relieved to have her listening ear at last, I launched right in, describing the unexplained hostility Brady had toward me, my dad’s parting comment, and how God had shown me that as I sought to honor both my brother and my father, I would find what I was looking for.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You have always shown them honor.”
“That’s not what I mean. I’m saying I came here with my own agenda. I hadn’t stopped to think that how I live the rest of my life affects my dad and Brady too. I’ve only been thinking about myself. And…and you, of course.”
“Me,” she said, suddenly sounding wary.
I hastened to explain further. “Yes. Look, I know what it means to my Amish family—and to you—if I become a church member or if I don’t. I’ve always known that. But what I haven’t ever thought about before is what it will mean to my family here. My Englisch family.”
She did not respond, so I added, “And we both have to consider that I do have an Englisch family, Rachel.”
Still silence on the other end, and more than anything I wished we weren’t having this conversation under everyone’s nose, with her right there in the middle of the buggy shop.
“We can talk about this later,” I suggested. “Considering the situation on your end, I know this isn’t exactly the time or the place.”
“That would be an understatement,” she replied, her voice now completely devoid of warmth.
I stood and began to pace there beside the pool, simply refusing to let our long-awaited call end this way, with the two of us so disconnected.
“I know you’re not about to speak freely,” I said, “so just listen, okay?”
“Okay.” Her answer was small. Afraid.
“It’s just that I realized I have to honor this family too. I have to. God expects me to. And I know that in your heart you would want me to.”
I heard her sigh deeply on the other end of the line. “What exactly are you trying to tell me?”
“I’m saying I have never felt closer to finding out who I really am. I think my figuring it out is tied up with a couple of tasks.” I began to list those tasks out loud. “I need make things right with Brady. I need to assure my father and myself that I don’t feel abandoned by him. And I need to find out why my mother left the Amish faith.” I didn’t add the final element of that list, which was that I needed to help my grandparents find healing from what my mother had done to them by leaving.
“Your mother left because she moved to Philadelphia and fell in love with an Englisch man.”