“I’ll get back to you as soon as I can,” I said.
“Thanks, Tyler,” my dad replied, obviously sure that Daadi would never allow me to decline a family need as great as this one. “I’ll pay for the flight, of course, and I’ll match whatever you make at the buggy place for the whole time you’re here.”
“That won’t be necessary.”
“I insist. Brady will be so glad you’re coming. He’s missed you.”
“It will be nice to see him too.” I had missed my brother. The last time we’d been together had been almost two years ago when he and Dad had come to Philadelphia for an Eagles game and to spend a weekend with me.
“I can’t thank you enough, Tyler. Really.”
“Well, let me call you back before we say it’s a done deal.”
We said our goodbyes, and then I went in search of my grandfather.
It took the bishop, elders, and my grandfather only one day to decide that I should do as my father asked and go to California for the month. I was brought to Bishop Ott’s house on Friday morning to hear their decision, so that they could personally admonish me to use my time away wisely, fully seeking God’s call on my life.
I could see in the eyes of every man in the room that they had always known I would someday need to do this. I was born Englisch. I lived for six years in the Englisch world. I had an Englisch father and an Englisch half brother. I was different from everyone else in my district in this way. I could take vows to become one of them, but I wasn’t like them yet. Bishop Ott and the other ministers and deacons were convinced that my restlessness was God’s way of calling me out to lay to rest any lingering affection for the world I had been born into.
When I returned in December, I would be expected to tell them if I was ready to seek membership and baptism or not. The elders said it was time for me to figure out who I was. Was I Tyler the Englischer, man of the world, the son of a retired army colonel? If so, then I knew nothing about what my life would become except that I could then do whatever I wanted, be whatever I wanted, learn whatever I wanted.
Or was I Tyler the Amish buggy maker and future husband to an Amish bride? If so, then I knew exactly what my life would look like. My choices were fairly limited, but I would have my church, my community.
I would have Rachel.
The men laid their hands on my shoulders and prayed for me. As they did, I asked God to remove any desire in my life that hadn’t been given to me by Him. Before I left, Bishop Ott gave me permission to fly out to California rather than take the train. I’d been allowed to travel to my dad’s by air when I was young as it was the quickest and safest mode of transportation for a child. But I wasn’t a child any longer, so I was surprised that air travel had received the okay this time. No other Amish person in my district had ever been given permission to travel by airplane that I could remember.
Then again, I wasn’t like any other Amish person in my district. I knew it and the leaders of my district knew it.
My grandfather and I were quiet as we rode home from Bishop Ott’s, each of us lost in our thoughts. I knew Daadi didn’t want me to leave. He loved me like a son. But I think he and Mammi had always believed I was theirs for a season. What happened beyond that was up to God, not them.
I straddled two worlds, and I had to figure out which was the one I belonged in.
The scariest part about it was that Rachel didn’t stand with me in the middle. She was already firmly planted on the Amish side.
EIGHT
Rachel needed to hear about my father’s request and the elders’ decision, so Friday evening I took her out to the pond where we could talk. She knew what a comfort this place had been to me over the years, but this was the first time I had ever invited her to see it for herself. In the past I’d always treated the pond as my own private place, a sanctuary for me alone. Now, however, I knew I needed to give her this, to open up to her this way. I also wanted her to be reminded of what I’d been through in my life and of what I’d lost when I was six. Somehow, I hoped, maybe that would help her understand, at least a little bit, about my imminent departure and what it would involve and why it was important.