“Of course I am. I know how much you want to do this, Jake. We all do.”
He regarded me for a moment. “You don’t have to stay with the buggies either, you know. Daed would understand if there was something else you wanted to do.”
I had been trained on nearly every facet of the buggy-making process, from welding the axles to upholstering the seats to installing the hydraulics for the brakes. I had been working alongside Daadi every weekday, all day, since my schooling ended when I was fourteen. It was the most familiar thing in the world to me.
“What else would I do?”
Jake laughed, but gently. “What do you want to do?”
I turned my head to look at him before swinging my attention back to the road in front of me. “Why are we talking about this?”
He shrugged. “I know you’ve had a lot on your mind lately. I thought maybe it had something to do with my leaving the buggy shop.”
“Oh. No.”
“Okay. Good.” He was quiet for a moment. “Do you and Rachel have a problem?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“You want to tell me what it is, then?”
I did and I didn’t. I wasn’t sure I could articulate what was on my mind, especially after yesterday’s mishandled conversation with Rachel. But I knew I couldn’t keep it in much longer, so finally I gave it a try.
“I don’t know what it is exactly, but I’ve been feeling restless lately. Like there’s something out here I am supposed to be doing or looking for.” He knew I meant out in the non-Amish world. The world outside.
“And you don’t have any idea what that might be?” He didn’t seem shocked or surprised, and I was glad.
“I don’t. But I can feel something tugging at me, Jake. And I think…this is going to sound crazy, but I think it might be God. Pulling me to the outside.”
“That doesn’t sound crazy at all.”
He couldn’t have understood what I meant. “I’m talking about feeling that God wants me out there!”
He nodded. “I get it, Tyler. Like I said, not crazy.”
I signaled for a turn and eased the buggy into the left lane. “Well, it feels crazy.”
“What are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know. But I can’t go to the bishop and tell him I want to become a church member when I’m feeling this way.” I made the left turn and the car behind me zoomed past as soon as it could.
“No. Of course you can’t.”
“And that means I can’t ask Rachel to…I can’t…”
“I know what it means. And you’re right. You need to settle this first.”
I looked over at my uncle, envious for a moment that he had already made his membership vows and was now headed out to learn a trade he’d been longing to pursue for years.
“But I don’t even know where to start.” I motioned to the busy streets, the cars, the people on the sidewalks with their cell phones in hand, the humming buzz of activity that was everything the Amish world was not. “I get out here and I sense no direction. And I just can’t see how God would be drawing me to look for something when I don’t know what it is or where I should begin. That’s not like Him at all.”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
We were just half a block from the bus stop and Jake reached for his backpack. He slung it over his shoulder.
“God calls people out of the familiar all the time when He wants to teach them something new.”
“Okay, maybe He does. But the problem is that when I’m here, I feel a restlessness to be out there. But when I’m out there, all I want to do is get back here. It’s like I don’t belong in either place.”
I pulled on the reins and my horse obeyed. We slowed to a stop.
“You know you need to talk to Daed about this.” Jake stepped down and reached into the back to retrieve his duffel.
I sighed heavily. “I know. I’ve been putting it off. I don’t want him to think I’m like…that I’m just like my mother. That I want to leave. I’m afraid I’ll hurt him the way she did.”
He shook his head. “That was different, Tyler. She was raised Amish, but they have always known that the outside world was a part of…” He gestured blindly, trying to state the obvious without putting it in a way that would sound mean. I knew what he was saying, that the outside world had been a part of my past—and a potential for my future—since the day I was born.
Jake leaned forward across the passenger seat to clasp my hand, meeting my eyes with a firm gaze as we shook. “Talk to Daed. He’s a very wise man.”
“I know. You’re right. Have a great time in Missouri.”
Releasing his grip, he stood up straight, shifting the weight of his pack. “Tell Mamm I’ll call the shop phone when I get settled.”
“Ya.”
“See you in February?”
I nodded. I very much hoped he would see me in February. He stepped out onto the street and then turned back to face me.
“So you’ll talk to him?” His eyes were filled with brotherly concern.