“About what?”
“She was hinting that she knew some other things about Shauna—basically saying Shauna isn’t all that shit-hot. I get the feeling she might kind of resent how Shauna’s been taking care of her.”
“She likes it but she resents needing it.”
He looked up at me from underneath the brim of his baseball cap.
“Yeah, exactly. I knew you’d get it.”
I fought the sensation of our old connection rebuilding, the similar way our minds worked. “So what does that have to do with anything?”
“I told her I had some information about that night, just messing with her. I said there was another witness, someone who saw Shauna’s car tearing away. Told her if she knew something, she better spill it before the others did. She got real scared—and twitchy, like she was jonesing. I knew I couldn’t get much more out of her then, but she agreed to meet with me tomorrow night.”
I felt disappointed, but what had I expected? A confession and years of bullshit suddenly wiped clean? We’d need a lot more than that, details, hard facts.
“Doesn’t sound like she’s going to make it easy,” I said.
“That’s why I want you to come with me when I talk to her.”
“No, no way.” I took a step back, about to turn away.
“Just listen.” He held out a hand in a plea, his eyes asking me to wait, the same look he’d get when we were kids and he was trying to get me to stay with him a moment longer. I felt another tug inside, tried to ignore the old memories piling up, tried to remind myself how dangerous this all was.
“If she saw you, and you were talking about Nicole,” Ryan said, “it would mess her up a little more. She saw you once and look what happened. She’s not a bad person. She was screwed up when we were kids, she’s still screwed up, but I get the feeling somewhere in there she wants to make things right.”
“All she wants is another hit. Did you give her money?”
He looked embarrassed, his cheeks flushing as he glanced away, watching Captain, who was sniffing around in the grass near the edges of the parking lot.
“You did,” I said, “and now she’s stretching it out. Telling you nothing about nothing.”
He shook his head. “She knows something. You can see it in her eyes. It’s been eating at her.” He sounded angry. “We could’ve been out a long time ago.”
“But it didn’t happen, and the only thing that’s going to happen now, if I go anywhere with you, is both of us getting sent back to prison.”
“Shit, they’re just waiting for their chance. I’ve seen Hicks watching my house.”
That was alarming. Doug Hicks was a sergeant now. I’d never forget the interrogation, the things he said, his voice droning on and on. We know you did it, Toni. You might as well tell us now, so the courts will go easier on you. You know what will happen to you in prison? I didn’t know. But I sure found out.
“Then what the hell are you doing here?” I looked around the parking lot again.
“Relax. I’ve got my own watch going on. He’s with his family tonight.”
“Don’t you have a job?”
“I’m doing some labor stuff, trying to get onto one of the tugboats.” He was holding his chin high, the way he used to when he was self-conscious, like he wished he had something better to impress me with. I’d never cared what he did, always loved that he worked with his hands, that he was strong. Loved knowing he could fix anything, even me. But not anymore.
“Focus on that,” I said. “Forget Cathy.”
“Not going to happen, Toni. I’m going to break her, but it’ll happen quicker if you’re there. I’m sure of it.”
“That’s not going to happen either.”
“Why are you giving up so easily?”
“I’m not giving up. It’s just…” I searched for words to explain what I was feeling. I wanted to prove our innocence badly, especially after seeing my parents in the store, but I was terrified of losing the little bit of freedom I’d finally gotten back. The thought of going to prison again made my chest tight, panic racing down my legs. No, never again.
“I just can’t. I can’t do this.” I stopped, thinking of my mother again, how she’d said almost those exact words to me.
“You are giving up, Toni. Just like you gave up on us.” His gaze was holding steady on mine, waiting for an answer.
“I didn’t give up on us. We were in prison—our relationship was over.”
“It wasn’t for me.”