I worry about this chapter because I’m pretty sure it’s the only one I’ll get asked about when I’m promoting this book on the Today show. (Hi, Matt!) No matter what else public figures accomplish, we just seem to want to know what they eat for breakfast and what their beauty routine is. Next up: Ruth Bader Ginsburg on being a Supreme Court justice, and how she successfully tackles a bad hair day! You at home can be the judge! In our next segment, President Hillary Clinton (it’s only March as I write this, so I’m just guessing) shares her State of the Union highlights and her red-carpet slim-down secrets!
I wish we could all stop worrying about it so much, but that’s probably unrealistic. So, rather than tell you not to worry, I’m going to tell you some of the Top-Secret Hollywood Secrets I’ve learned, and save you a ton of money instead!
Here’s one: diet books are worthless. Don’t spend one penny more on them. Not one more. I’m serious. They all tell you a version of the exact same thing: eat less, work out more.
Now, I’m not a doctor, and I’ll probably never play one on TV, because can you imagine? During the original series, Gilmore Girls table reads were held in the same conference room where the crime procedural Cold Case had theirs, and sometimes I’d pick up one of those scripts and try to read the lines out loud with a straight face—not making fun of them, but really trying to sound convincing. Anyone who happened to be in the room would inevitably fall down on the floor holding their stomach and laughing. The lines weren’t bad; I was.
The problem is, I’m physically incapable of sounding at all convincing as a police-type person or a private investigator. In fact, I’m not even sure that the job of the character on Cold Case was either of those things, because while all those jobs are of course distinct and challenging and incredibly impressive in real life, on TV I find they all blend together, and all I hear is “I’m extremely sincere and competent.” As an actor person, as well as a person person, I don’t think I naturally exude competence. I exude more of an “I’m kind of winging it here, but isn’t this fun?” type of a vibe. Which is probably not what you’d want coming from the person driving your ambulance. Or a doctor. Or Dexter.
Speaking of fake doctors, my sister worked for a literary agent for a while, which is how I learned the interesting fact that early drafts of the scripts for doctor-type shows don’t have all the technical medical jargon in them yet. While writers of a medical show probably have some sort of general doctor-ish knowledge, there are experts whose specialty it is to make sure the lines are accurate. The writer and the accuracy person don’t necessarily work together every day, so an early draft of a script might have the major story beats and the personal juicy character stuff that the writer of the script is in charge of, but instead of medical jargon, there’ll be placeholder words. In the case of the medical show my sister told me about, the words, aptly, were “medical, medical.” As in “Yes, Dr. Jones, I’d love to meet you in the supply closet, but first I have to administer forty ccs of medical medical to my patient’s medical medical or he may go into medical medical, and then we’ll really be in trouble.”
“Medical, medical” immediately became a sort of “yada, yada, yada” for my sister Shade and me. Its origin was as a placeholder for what’s to come, but it quickly became an even more general placeholder for us. It could mean anything from “You know what I’m talking about” to “Ugh, why is this purse so expensive?” If my sister was at work and didn’t have enough time to tell me about a date she’d gone on, she’d say, “He talked about himself the whole night, his shoes were weird, medical, medical,” and I’d know exactly what she meant.
So I’m not even a good fake doctor. I’m more comfortable saying “medical medical” than spewing any actual technical jargon, and therefore the extent of my health advice is this: just don’t eat a lot of crap, take walks, thank you for buying this book, the end.
But Lauren, you live in Hollywood, where the most incredibly attractive, healthy-looking people are! Can’t you give us more insight than that?
Okay, fine. Here are some more of the Top-Secret Hollywood Secrets I’ve learned from years of talking to the best nutritionists, personal trainers, Eastern and Western medicine practitioners, and famous skinny people. Every bit of advice below was actually given to me by a fancy person, or someone who knows a fancy person and the methods they use to stay fancy.
Over the years, I’ve been told that meat is an important protein; meat is bad for you; the best way to lose weight is to eat a high-protein diet; the best way to lose weight is to eat a vegan diet; juicing is good for you; juice cleanses are pointless; someone with my blood type should eat only lamb, mutton, turkey, and rabbit, and avoid chicken, beef, ham, and pork; bacon is okay; bacon is bad for you; consuming fat helps you lose weight; all fats should be avoided or used minimally; yogurt helps your digestion; yogurt has no impact on your digestion; calcium from dairy is good for you; dairy is bad for you; gluten is no problem for people without celiac disease; everyone should be gluten-free; kale is a superfood; too much kale can actually result in a thyroid condition causing you to gain weight; and using non-natural toothpaste can cause bloating of up to five pounds. Just eating fruits and vegetables? Sure, that sounds like a good plan, as long as you aren’t sensitive to nightshades (eggplant, tomatoes, peppers), like some people are. You could probably be fine if you ate nothing but spinach all day, unless it’s the spinach that was part of the recent salmonella recall. Fruits are okay, but some fruits, like bananas, are so high in natural sugar you might as well eat a piece of cake. What’s that? You’re still eating regular, processed sugar, the kind that’s actually in cake? AHMAGAH, how are you still standing? Should I call an ambulance? If indeed you do end up at the hospital, just remember you shouldn’t eat grapefruit before taking medications because it can block their effectiveness. So enjoy your new diet of berries and water, people—unless you’re allergic to strawberries, that is, as many people are! And don’t forget to also be very very very worried about GMOs! And don’t drink just any water either: tap water is obviously poison, but beware the BPAs in your bottled water too. Also, try to get the type of bottled water that addresses your imbalanced pH levels, because while you may not know it yet, most of us are too acidic and not alkaline enough! Well, there you have it! Make sense? After all, I’ve given you the secret to everything. It’s obvious what you should do now. Could it be any clearer? You’re welcome!
What’s that? Huh? My editor, Jennifer E. Smith, has just informed me that my book is late. Wait, no, that can’t be, because you’re reading it! I got confused, since that’s what she’s calling me about 99 percent of the time. Oh—it’s something else! She thinks the above list may be a little confusing for readers. Um, okaaaay, Jen, my ladies and gents are pretty sharp, and I’m fairly certain it isn’t confusing to them, but fine, just in case, I now give you the extremely easy-to-read food/diet chart, which is given out only in Hollywood. DON’T TELL ANYONE I GAVE THIS TO YOU!
Wow! I cannot believe you guys got me to give you the Top-Secret Hollywood Secrets food chart! I am going to get in so much trouble!