I knew I didn’t want to stand on a red carpet and reveal too much, but I was at a loss as to what or how much to say. You may think there’s a sort of School of Fame where actors learn how to handle tricky situations, but there isn’t. (Someone call Shark Tank!) Not for the first time, I wished there was someone to ask, or a Peanuts-style Lucy booth with a sign that said THE DOCTOR IS IN. I wasn’t looking for a three-month seminar, just a place I could stop into when I needed a quick answer on how to handle problems I hadn’t even known existed back when all I dreamed of doing as an actor was performing in the chorus of a regional theater production of Oklahoma. How to walk in heels! Don’t Google yourself, and other helpful tips! How to talk to Us Weekly about your new or nonexistent relationships! Take a pamphlet! Five cents only!
I learned a few things fairly easily. If you plan to be an actor who is regularly interviewed, you need to start thinking now about your favorite drugstore cheap-and-cheerful beauty products (Chapstick, Neutrogena sunblock, any brand of coconut oil), your go-to workout routine (spinning, yoga, walking across the Brooklyn Bridge), your favorite leave-in conditioner (Davines, Oribe, coconut oil), your latest girl crush (I never have an answer for this—let’s just say coconut oil), and, if you’re presenting at an awards show, which other presenter you’re most excited to meet. Be sure to think of someone beforehand, otherwise, even though you’re surrounded by dozens of your idols, you will draw a complete blank: “I’m excited to meet, uh, that guy, from that movie, with the people in it…”
At a minimum, you’ll be asked each of these questions approximately ten thousand times in every interview for the rest of your life. In addition to being asked to reveal intimate details about your love life, you’ll also constantly be encouraged to dish about your co-stars, to which there’s only one acceptable answer: that you’re obviously one big happy family (which you, savvy reader, already knew). Then, after you successfully dodge this question, they’ll ask you who’s the best kisser you’ve ever worked with. DON’T ANSWER THIS. It will result in an article stating you’ve “broken your silence” about how awful it was to kiss everyone else. Finally, you’ll be asked about all the pranks everyone supposedly pulls on each other on set all the time. Most films and television shows have very long hours, and no one I know pulls pranks on set, except maybe George Clooney, though I’m pretty sure I read that in a magazine, so who can say for sure? Incidentally, when I was first doing Gilmore Girls, I’d run into George on the lot sometimes, and he was always very nice to me and acted like he knew who I was and treated me like I was behaving normally, which was very kind in the face of my babbling and drooling.
However, it wasn’t enough to make George say “Amal, schlamal!” or anything like that, and the weird dating years—and my difficulty explaining them—continued. I was once set up with an actor by my assistant, who was friends with the other actor’s assistant. The actor wanted to meet me because he saw my (sort-of real) face on a giant billboard on Sunset Boulevard. You know, the way everybody gets asked out! While on location, I had a fun relationship with someone who revealed at the end of the movie that he had a girlfriend back home. Just like how your grandparents met! I shook hands with a cute guy for the first time while presenting him with an award. Backstage, we had charming banter. He asked for my phone number, and then didn’t call me for three months. THREE MONTHS. Of course, when he finally called, I told him politely that he’d waited too long and I didn’t appreciate being disrespected like that. AHAHAHAHAHA. NOPE, I went out with him anyway! I wanted to hold out for men with good behavior, but ultimately I gave in to less-good behavior because I was working all the time and wasn’t sure when the next chance to meet someone would be. One thing I learned: starting off with very low standards is a surefire way to ensure they’ll be met.
Not surprisingly, none of the relationships that started during Billboard Face Awards Show Presenter Time stuck. After all, how many successful, lasting unions do you know that began with the words “And the winner is…”? Plus, if you’re meeting someone for the first time after three hours of hair, makeup, and styling, you’ve already set the bar too high. There is no way they won’t be disappointed when you reveal your true self. “Hey, where were those boobs I was promised when I saw you up on the podium?” “They’re, um—hey, look over there! Isn’t that Ryan Seacrest?” Also, if you think actors are already self-obsessed, imagine actors who are at a show that exists solely to affirm they are indeed as great as they might think they are. Lots of attention and praise and hot girls everywhere bring out the humble side in everyone!
It wasn’t just the guys I met who were the problem. In more ways than just being covered in eighty layers of self-tanner, the person they were meeting wasn’t really me either. You know how before a party you clean up your house so that everyone thinks you live that way all the time? That’s meeting someone at an awards show. It’s a way more exaggerated version of meeting anyone you hope to impress for the first time. You present the fresh-flowers-on-the-table, bed-always-made side of yourself first. But ultimately you’re going to slip and show your house the way it is on a morning when you’re running late for work, or can’t find an outfit, and that’s a relationship. Ultimately, everyone who gets close to you is going to see inside your closet on its worst day, and their reaction to that is what will tell you if you’re going to make it or not. You can’t live an entire life secured in by Spanx.
When I started working with Peter on Parenthood, he made a lot of references to the fact that we were playing brother and sister. While true that our characters were siblings, I wasn’t sure why it kept coming up. He’d hand me a prop or a cup of coffee and then sort of narrate: “I’m handing my sister a cup of coffee. That’s my sister drinking the coffee over there.” By week two of work, I wanted to say, “I get it, I get it—you’re not interested in me that way. Well, I don’t trust handsome actors, either, so we’re good!” In fact, I think he was actually trying to talk himself out of starting anything. At our age, we’d probably both been through “showmances” that went south and made work an uncomfortable place to be. But ultimately, our mutual wariness gave way without much discussion or effort—it just sort of happened. That’s one thing I’ve learned when it comes to relationships. There’s so much to negotiate once you really get to know someone—the beginning should feel easy and inevitable.
By the time Peter and I actually started dating seriously, I finally knew exactly how to handle myself and all my public-vs.-private issues instantly melted away. Wrong! Instead of making the public part of life easier, it was even more difficult. Now I actually had someone I cared about, which made me care even more about protecting that person and our privacy and our brand-new status. So I stuck to my old reliable “I’m dating,” without naming any names, until journalists started rolling their eyes to my face. This standoff lasted for a while, but eventually more people found out, and I kept getting asked to talk about it. I continued to say no, until I was told an outlet was going to “run with it anyway.” What to do? I was going on the Today show around then (hi, Savannah!) and was asked if I wanted to “announce” us as a couple. Did I? All I knew for sure was that I felt strange. I went on Ellen, where she showed a picture of Peter and me, and I admitted that yes, I was seeing someone, but in a panic I referred to him as “Fred.” She had just shown a picture of me and Peter, which I had okayed, but somehow in the moment it felt too personal to also say his actual name. Ellen looked at me like I was insane, which thankfully I was used to, since that’s pretty much our regular relationship. I was confused. She was confused. Lucy, I need more pamphlets!