At that moment, I knew that Marcus had all of the power. Every drop of it. I thought of all the times I had dumped guys, particularly remembering my breakup speech with my high school boyfriend Blaine. I remember how he had asked, "I want to stay together and you want to break up? How come you get your way?"
"Because, Blaine," I had said. "That's just how it works. The person who wants out of the relationship always gets her way. It's definitional."
The sad truth of the statement hit me in the gut now. If Marcus wanted out, there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop him.
I tried anyway, my voice shaking. "Marcus, please! Don't do this!"
"Look. We should talk face-to-face. I'll be over soon," he said.
"Are you going to break up with me? Just tell me now. Please!" I had waited for him all weekend, but the thought of waiting another twenty minutes was too much to bear.
"I'll be there soon," he said. His voice was flat, emotionless.
He arrived an hour later, wearing a Hooters T-shirt.
"You're dumping me, aren't you?" I asked, before he could even sit down.
He twisted the cap off a plastic bottle of Sprite, took a swig, and nodded twice.
"Omigod. I just can't believe this is happening. How can you dump me? I am pregnant with your baby! How can you do this?"
"I'm sorry, Darcy… but I just don't want to be with you."
It was the most surprising sentence I had ever heard. It was even more shocking than when Dex came out of the closet, so to speak. Perhaps because it was so utterly one-sided. I wanted Marcus. He did not want me. End of story.
"Why?" I asked. "Because of one fight?"
He shook his head. "You know it's not about any one fight."
"Then why?"
"Because I just can't ever see marrying you."
"Fine. We don't have to get married. We'll be like Goldie Hawn and what's his name?"
He shook his head again. "No."
"But I'm pregnant with your baby!"
"I know. And that's a problem." He raised his eyebrows and looked at me. "A problem with several different solutions."
"I've told you a million times, I'm not getting an abortion!"
"That's your decision, Darcy. Just like getting pregnant was your unilateral decision. Remember that?" he said angrily. "And now, here we are… and I just want you to have all the facts about the future—"
I interrupted him. "What does that mean?"
"It means I don't want to be with you, and I certainly don't want a kid. I'll help support it financially if you insist on having it, but I don't want to be… involved," he said, looking relieved. "At all."
"I don't believe what I'm hearing!"
"I'm sorry," he said, looking anything but sorry.
I begged. I cried. I pleaded. I promised that I would try harder.
Then he gave me the ultimate insult—"I'm just not that into you anymore"—before leaving my apartment.
It was Dex all over again. Only this time, I had no backup. No suitor waiting in the wings. I was, for the very first time in my life, completely on my own.
* * *
fifteen
The next day I caved and did the unthinkable. I phoned Dex. It was a pathetic and desperate move, but there was no denying it, I had become pathetic and desperate.
"Hi, Dex," I said when he answered his work line at Goldman Sachs.
He made a sound that was either a laugh or a cough, followed by silence.
"It's Darcy," I said.
"I know who it is."
"How are you?" I asked, keeping my voice steady.
"I'm fine. You?" he said.
"I'm… okay," I said. "I was just wondering… can you talk? Is this an okay time?"
"Um… Well, I actually have to run—"
"Well, how about later? Can you meet me after work?"
"I don't think so," he answered quickly.
"Please. I really need to talk to you about something," I said.
As I said the words, I realized that Dex likely no longer cared about my needs. Sure enough, he said again, "I don't think so."
"Why not?"
"I just don't think it's a good idea."
"Because of Rachel?"
"Darcy," he said, annoyed. "What do you want?"
"I just need to see you. Can't you just see me? Please? I just want to talk to you. I'm sure she'd understand," I said, wanting him to tell me that he wasn't seeing Rachel anymore. That they had broken up. I was hungry to hear the words.
But instead he said, "Rachel would be fine with me seeing you."
The statement wasn't clarifying. It could mean she was secure in their relationship. It could mean there was no relationship. I decided not to press. For now. "Well, then, why won't you see me?" I asked.
"Darcy, you need to move on."
"I have moved on," I said. "I just need to talk to you about something."
He sighed and then folded. "Fine. Whatever."
I brightened. My plan was going to work. He gave in because he secretly wanted to see me too. "So let's meet back at our place at eight," I said.
"Our place?"
"You know what I mean," I said.
"No. I'm not going there. Pick somewhere else."
"Like where?" I asked, wondering if he had a nice restaurant in mind. "You choose."
"How about Session 73?"
The fact that the bar was mere blocks away from Rachel's apartment was not lost on me. "Why there?" I asked snidely. "Is that your new Upper East hangout?"