I shook my head. “No, I don’t blame you for that, Mum.”
We sat together quietly, lost in our own thoughts, and I realised something. It’s easy to blame yourself for shit in your life and in the lives of those you love, but it just holds you back. Mum had blamed herself for Marcus for far too long, and I’d blamed myself for Ashley for too long as well, and both of us had stopped living our lives fully.
“We have to stop this shit,” I muttered, standing.
Looking up at me with a frown, she asked, “What?”
“All this blame. It gets us nowhere. Shit happened, and we survived it. We’re still breathing, but we’re not living. We need to stop blaming ourselves and get on with life.”
She stood, too. “When did you get so smart, baby?” she asked, softly.
“I don’t know, but I’m running with it.”
“Yeah, you’re right, it’s time to move forward.” She said the words, but I could hear the doubt in her voice. This was going to take her some time to deal with. Understandable seeing as Marcus had been a presence in her life for so long.
I embraced her, and when I let her go, I said, “I’ve got someone I want you to meet.”
A small smile brightened her face. “I thought you might.”
“How?”
“You’ve changed lately, and I’m pretty sure those kinds of changes are usually inspired by a good woman. You better bring her over soon, because I want to meet the woman who has helped you.”
“I’ll do that,” I promised.
I knew she would love Layla, and I was fairly confident Layla would love her, too.
A man was lucky if he had one good woman in his life.
I had two.
***
I left Mum’s house and drove to see Madison. She had the day off from work, so I was headed to her house. I’d spoken with her on the phone about Marcus, and even though she said she was okay with it, I wanted to watch her face while she spoke the words. That would tell me the truth.
She answered the door with a mixing bowl in her arms and flour all over her face. Smiling at me, she said, “Just in time, big brother, we’ve just put some cookies in the oven.”
“We?” I asked as I walked inside. The fact she was cooking concerned me. Was it a distraction from thinking about Marcus’s death?
“Me and Harlow.”
I kept walking as she talked and ended up in the kitchen where Harlow was washing up dishes. She turned to look at me, and I was stunned to see her haggard appearance. She’d lost weight since I’d last seen her, and exhaustion marred her features.
“Hi Blade,” she murmured.
I lifted my chin at her. “Harlow.”
She gave me a small smile before turning back to her dishes. I turned to Madison and widened my eyes questioningly. She shook her head at me; it was her way of saying she’d tell me later. I let it go. We had other things to discuss.
“Talk to me,” I said to Madison as I grabbed a stool at her breakfast bar.
She sighed. “I don’t know. I hated him in the end, Blade. You know that. I’ve already grieved the loss of my father. But to think he’s gone, and I’ll never see him again, I feel kinda sad even though I don’t want to.” Her voice cracked at the end, and I reached for her hand to pull her to me. I put my arms around her and held her.
“I think it would be weird for you not to feel sad, babe. You grew up with a different father to me, and it’s only recently you’ve seen that other side to him, so you’re mourning a completely different man to the one I knew. It’s okay to be sad, and it’s also okay to be conflicted about it. There’s no right way to feel.”
“You have this way, you know that?” she said, softly.
“What way?”
She pulled out of my embrace. “This way of saying just the right thing whenever I need to hear it. Thank you.”
Harlow turned around and chimed in. “She’s right, Blade. You’re a special man.”
I stared at Harlow, uncomfortable with this conversation now. Neither of them knew I had killed Marcus, and while I didn’t think they would care, it weighed on my mind. I’d spoken with Scott this morning, and we’d agreed upon who would be made aware of what really happened yesterday. That list included those who were present as well as Nash and J. Scott had advised Sharon not to utter a word of it, either. Griff and Scott had dumped Marcus’s body and tipped the cops off as to where it was. They needed his death to be made public so they could move forward with club business.
“Have you spoken to your Mum?’ I asked, changing the subject.
“She came over this morning and it was the first time in ages we sat and talked about stuff so freely. It’ll take her some time to sort her head out, but I think she’s gonna be okay.”
“And Scott? How’s he handling it?”
I was surprised that Harlow answered me. “He was in a bit of shock, but he was okay.”