They stretched me out on that rough cement beside the diving board, and I stared up at the dripping swimsuits, sure I’d die.
I didn’t. I did, however, end up with several months of behavior therapy and a brief starring role in the gossip highlights of Ridgeview High.
“Chloe, do you understand what the doctor said?” Mom asks, interrupting my trip down memory lane. Her voice is pinched and tight, just like her smile.
I manage a nod, and everyone nods with me, looking oddly relieved. Did they expect me to say no? Maybe to run around screaming or something?
They hand my mother discharge papers and shuffle me to the door. My dad reaches forward to shake hands with the doctor.
“Dr. Kirkpatrick says she could squeeze her in this afternoon,” the doctor says softly.
“We’ll take her right over,” Dad promises.
Chapter Six
I’ve read that in a therapy session, everything is analyzed, from the chair you choose to how long you wait to answer a question. So now, instead of actually focusing on real issues, I’m wondering if I’m sitting in a way that says relaxed and healthy or disturbed and potentially sociopathic.
I glance at the clock and realize I’ve already looked at it three times. A possible indicator of obsessive-compulsive disorder. What else could I have? Paranoia? Generalized anxiety disorder? God, I wish she’d just say something so I can stop the diagnosis roulette.
Dr. Kirkpatrick sits back in her chair. She’s got some issues too, I’d bet. I’ve seen her a total of thirteen times, including this session, and in that time, she’s had three drastically different hairstyles. Talk about identity issues.
The last time, she had an auburn pixie cut. Now her hair is jet-black and angled harshly around her chin. She looked friendlier before, like a fairy just a few years past her prime. I can’t help feeling like this version of Dr. Kirkpatrick should slap on some red lipstick and pull a gun on me or something.
“It’s been a while since we’ve talked,” she says. “Would you like to catch me up?”
I glance at the clock again. It’s four minutes after. Just long enough for me to stop looking around the office, but not so long that I’ve had time to get nervous or rehearse answers.
“Um, sure. School is going good.”
Dr. Kirkpatrick nods and watches me. Which means it’s still my turn, I guess.
“My grades are great. My classes are fine. I’m applying at a lot of colleges, I guess.”
“Your grade point average is substantially improved from last year. The study group did good things for you,” she says. Bizarre. Do they keep that in my file? Apparently they do because she glances down at it pointedly. “How do you feel about that change?”
Here we go. How do I feel about my grades? My teachers? The paint in this room? This could go on for days. I’m convinced she could find meaning in the way I feel about a carton of french fries.
I’ve read more than anyone I know about anxiety, and I have a pretty hard time believing that a therapist is going to tie gaping holes in my memory to last year’s anxiety attacks. I tried to explain this to my parents in the car on the way over from the hospital, but my mom only sniffled harder into her tissue.
So here I am.
“Chloe?” she asks.
Crap. That’ll be noted for sure. Excessive pause before answering her question.
“Well, it’s not like I have anything to complain about. I’m going to be able to get into pretty much any college out east. Plus, I’m dating Blake, who’s great.”
“Oh, really?” She doesn’t look surprised. She looks like she’s feigning surprise and it’s…weird. All of this is just weird. “Have you and Blake been together long?”
“Oh, I don’t know…” Which is the God’s honest truth.
“Would you like to tell me about him?”
Yeah, I’d love to. Except I can’t because I don’t know a darned thing that I didn’t read in my yearbook or the school paper.
I don’t want to say that though. There is something in the set of Dr. Kirkpatrick’s jaw that’s different from last time. And I’ll bet it’s got everything to do with the new report in my chart, the one that was probably faxed over from the neurologist. Somehow I’m betting giant memory lapses rank a wee bit higher than anxiety episodes on the how-screwed-up-is-your-patient scale.
Before, I was a typical angsty teenager. Now I’m a real case.
“Actually, I was hoping I could talk about losing my memories.”
She smiles a little. Just a little. I can tell she’s pleased though. Point for me. “Sure. Why don’t you start by telling me a little more about it.”
I bite my lip and do my best to look thoughtful. Truthfully, I don’t need to think about this. I thought about it all the way here. If I tell her too much, it will destroy everything. They’ll start talking in-patient therapy and medication, and I can kiss my senior year good-bye.
I don’t know how I became the girl with the killer SAT scores, but I’m not stupid. This is my ticket to my own perch in a chair like Dr. Kirkpatrick’s. I’m not about to throw it away.
I take a breath and tilt my head, schooling my expression to sincerity. “I feel busy. So busy sometimes that I’m starting to lose track of things. Sometimes I forget so many things it’s scary.”
“Things at school?”
“Conversations, mostly,” I say, forcing a mild look onto my face. “Social stuff.”
“Do you still have time for your friends?” she asks, searching for something on my chart. She must find it because her eyes pop up to meet mine again. “Do you still see Maggie?”
Maggie.
“No,” I say, swallowing hard. “No, Maggie and I don’t talk much anymore. Too busy.”
She sits back at this, watching me while a minute or two ticks by. “It sounds like you aren’t happy with how busy things are, Chloe.”
I nod, my mouth still thick and dry at the thought of my best friend. My ex-best friend, I guess.
“What do you think you can do to change things?”
“I don’t know. But I want to do something about it. About the forgetting thing mostly. I was hoping there’d be an exercise that might help.”
“That’s a great idea,” she says, as I knew she would. She loves exercises. “If you’re open to the idea, we can try one now. Just sit back and close your eyes for me.”
It’s a comfortable chair. Probably purchased with this exact kind of exercise in mind. I close my eyes and follow her instructions to let my mind drift a little. To let go of my classes one by one. Then the hospital and the tests.
It sounds like nonsense, but sometimes it works. I saw it in my elective psychology class last year. And now, I’m feeling it myself, loose and warm around the edges, kind of lost in a soft limbo.
“Now, I’m going to say a few words. I want you to pretend you’re one of those old slide projectors or those viewfinder toys where you flip through picture discs.”
“I had one of those,” I say. Mom bought them for long car rides to the beach.
“Good. I want you to pretend you’re looking into one of those right now. When I say a word, think of an image. Just one. You don’t have to tell me what it is. Just see it in your mind.”
“Okay.” I try to stay relaxed. It’s hard because I’m excited. This could help. I mean, it’s not a guarantee, but it could happen.
“Home,” she says.
Click. I have a picture of our backyard, the picnic table with peeling paint, and a plastic pitcher of sun tea sitting in the middle.
“Fun.”
I see Maggie and I posing with our tongues out on prom night.
“School.”
A row of lockers, posters of varsity teams stretching above them.
“Love.”
A boy looking up from a book. Dark hair and a killer smile.
Adam.
I jerk my head up, eyes flying open. Dr. Kirkpatrick is writing in her book. Her face is serene. “Are you all right, Chloe?”
“I have no idea.”
***