“If you want him, you’re going to have to throw caution to the wind and go after him,” she whispers in my ear. She pulls away slightly, each of her hands holding my arms and looks into my eyes. “He’s broken baby, but if your heart is set on him then try to reach him. Take it from me, if it works out it will all be worth it.”
I give her a weak smile because while I know what she is saying, I really think it’s hopeless. She smiles back, pats my arm and walks out the door with Six following behind her. I stand there staring as Bull closes the door, feeling lost in the quiet. At the club something is always going on or happening. The quiet just makes me feel more alone.
“You hungry?”
“I’ll fix us something.”
“I’ll cook,” I say, turning away from him.
“I said I will,” he grumbles.
“Okay then. I’ll just go take a shower I guess.”
“Okay, Red.”
Chapter 5
Dancer
I do not want to be here. I’m standing outside of the club’s safe house in Manchester. It’s a small four-room house on a side street off the main town. You wouldn’t know it was there unless you were looking for it. Yet, it is close enough to the main drag that too much shit would bring down the cops. That way even if rival clubs finds it, we still have an advantage.
What am I doing here? Fuck that is another question all together. I left the club with the intention of getting drunk, getting laid and forgetting Carrie was even around. What I did instead was call Mary. I hadn’t talked to her since the day they pulled her away from me at the Courthouse. I made it known I did not want her visiting me at the prison. It was a fucked up thing not to check on her when I got out. I know that, but I just cannot deal with people. I spent the night feeling guilt at the pain I heard in Mary’s voice and drinking myself into a stupor with a bottle of vodka. I woke up a couple hours later, just like always—covered in sweat, my heart pounding out of my chest and screaming.
I rub my forehead with the palm of my hand and fight the memories that are always there demanding to come to the forefront. Fuck, I may never be ready to deal with people again.
I know I can’t deal with the party going on at the club tonight. That is going to piss Dragon off, but the way I figure it, he might as well get used to the feeling when it comes to me. I pull my hand down and stare. It trembles and shakes, mocking me. What the fuck has happened to me? What happened to the man who walked in the world with a one finger salute, not giving a fuck? What happened to the man who went to war and faced anything without fear? I’m a coward. I can’t even live with myself. I haven’t got my revenge yet, because I can’t bring up the courage to even see the ones I would have to face. I haven’t even helped the club exact revenge against a man who is only fucking with them because of me. I am a waste of breath and I know I’ve said it a million times over, but I’m so tired. So fucking tired that deep down inside it feels as if I am literally drowning. It takes all the energy I can muster to get out of bed every day. What the fuck does that make me? I am rotting from the inside out.
I take an unsteady breath and walk up to the door. I close my eyes and bite my tongue to let the pain focus me. I’m a pansy-ass-sorry-mother-fucker. I knock once…twice…then bring my hand back and push them both into my jean’s pockets. I don’t want Bull to see them shake. Fuck, I don’t want to see them shake.
Bull opens the door, the gold studs in his ears shining under the glare of the porch light.
“Dance,” his voice is dark and even more pissed off than normal. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know why. Sorry, Fucker, you’re not going to get pussy tonight—at least not from Carrie.
“You going to let me in?”
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Come to relieve you.”
“Hell no.”
“Just fact man, Drag needs his enforcer at the club tonight with the Atlanta Chapter in. He doesn’t want Carrie to be alone. So, I am here,” I say, lying through my damned teeth.
I’m not even sure why I’m here. Yes, I am avoiding the party, but I could have done that from my room at the hotel. Something inside of me is pushing me towards Carrie. Maybe it is because of all the shit she has gone through; maybe it is the anger I have towards her. Maybe I’ve drunk so much that my brain cells have completely left me. I did not the-fuck-know. All I do know? I am standing here in front of this damn safe house at seven o’clock at night, lying to my brother and planning on spending the night with a woman I…shit, it’s a woman I want—I’ve always wanted. It’s also a woman I blame, whether she deserves it or not.
“I’ll call and have him send Six out.”
“Six is working the bar tonight with Lips. Just get going man, I think I can babysit for one damned night.”
“And give you the chance to spew more of your poison at Red? I don’t think so brother.”