I pulled into a parking space and turned to face her. She searched my eyes. Hers were distant. I remembered that. The loneliness of feeling like you’re so far away from everyone, even the people you were supposed to be close to, was suffocating.
“If you want an abortion I’ll take you to the clinic and hold your hand. If you want the baby, I’ll come to scans and let you tell me you scream at me when you’re giving birth. I’ll get up in the middle of the night to change dirty nappies and make bottles. Please don’t worry and please stop crying. I promise you everything will be okay.”
Her eyes glossed over again and I knew she believed me. I’d do it. I wasn’t the person I used to be; I wouldn’t leave her to deal with something I had a hand in. If I was nine months from becoming a dad I would step up and pretend I wasn’t shit scared.
“Thank you,” she said.
“It’s okay,” I said, reaching over and stroking the soft skin over her jaw. “You wait right here and I’ll go get the test.”
She didn’t say anything, just looked at me. Figure it out, princess.
I got out of the car and tried to walk confidently. If there was anyone inside there that I knew I was not going to be happy. Elle would have a field day with this. I knew where the pregnancy tests were, ironically near the condoms, so I headed straight there, looking over my shoulder.
A few people were dotted around, pushing trolleys and grabbing items from the shelves. No one paid much attention to me, besides two teenage girls. I didn’t give a shit what they thought so I picked up a test and headed to the self-serve checkout.
The girls followed a little way behind. I was used to that and I kind of hated it. People saw a face and didn’t care what was beneath. I used to love it, having no one look further than skin-deep, now it just reminded me of what I never wanted to be again.
I scanned the test and prayed to everything out there that there wouldn’t be a problem with it. Sighing in relief when the self-service actually worked, I paid and got the hell out of there as soon as I could.
Tegan was chewing her lip when I got back. She could hide her emotions semi-well but right now she was all open.
“Hi,” she said between chewing.
“Alright?”
She shook her head. Neither was I. A baby. My baby. My heart sank to my stomach. I couldn’t be responsible for keeping a small human alive. I smiled despite my inner panic.
“Thank you,” she said.
“What for?”
“For not freaking out. For not running away. For going in there and getting a test and for what you said before.”
Oh, I’m freaking out alright.
I looked deep into her green eyes. “I meant it, Tegan. Everything will be fine.” It had to be. I wouldn’t let it not be, no matter how scared I was.
She nodded, smiling weakly. “Can we go back to yours to do this?”
I started the car. “’Course.”
We drove back to my house in silence, both trying to act cool for each other. She fake smiled a lot more than usual. I wanted to reassure her again but I wasn’t sure how many times I could say it before she saw through the fa?ade. It might not be alright. Sure, whatever happened we could make work but it would be far from fucking easy. Apparently, babies required a lot of care, care I knew sod all about.
We got to mine and I barely remembered any of the drive. Letting us into my house, I followed Tegan into the living room.
“Do you want a drink or…?” I asked.
The corner of her mouth tried a smile. “A bottle of vodka sounds good about now.”
I laughed, scratching the back of my neck. “Yeah, but if you’re cooking little Kai Junior you can’t drink.”
Yeah, make a baby related joke, that’ll make everything easier.
She laughed, too, despite the seriousness of the situation. “Kai Junior? Wow, I can’t believe you can make me laugh right now.”
“Are you worried about Lucas?” I asked.
Her face fell. Well, she wasn’t before…
“He’s not gonna want me if I am. Who would?”
Oh, fuck that. I cupped her chin between my thumb and finger. “Don’t. If that’s all it takes to scare him off, he doesn’t deserve you.”
“Thank you,” she replied. I could see in her eyes she didn’t believe what I’d said but she wouldn’t right now, she had a rock bottom opinion of herself. “Okay, I’m going to do it.” Taking a deep breath, she pried the bag out of my hand. I was a little tense, no surprise. I stepped with her. “Um, Kai, this is the solo part.”
“Right, yeah. I’ll wait here then.” Idiot.
I waited downstairs for far too long. It took what, five seconds to piss on a stick, then a couple minutes for the result. I was certain that she’d been upstairs for hours. Logically I knew otherwise but time was an evil bitch.
When my stomach was in knots and I felt like I was going to hurl I went upstairs and knocked on the bathroom door. “Tegan, you okay?”
“Just waiting,” she replied. “It’s open, come in.”