PAUL GOOD [PHONE]:
They didn’t hate me or nothing, they just didn’t want me. So I stayed out of their way and they stayed out of mine. They probably deserved better from me, though. There wasn’t a whole lot of consistency in their lives and I could see Sadie was trying to give that to Mattie. I left her to it.
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
What was Sadie like?
PAUL GOOD [PHONE]:
Stubborn as hell. Hated her mother. Sadie thought she knew better’n Claire so far as Mattie was concerned and she probably did, if you want the truth. But her and Claire were always at each other’s throats … and Claire favored Mattie, so it got ugly sometimes. I don’t know. Like I said, we stayed out of each other’s way and if I sensed a screaming match coming on, I ducked. Only thing I cared about was Claire and crack.
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
Tell me how it ended.
PAUL GOOD [PHONE]:
She got tired of me and I was running out of money. One day, I come home and found her with another guy. That was it. She didn’t respect me. Dumb thing is, I still loved her, but I couldn’t stay with her after that. Damnedest thing, though …
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
What?
PAUL GOOD [PHONE]:
After I left, it was like a fog cleared in my mind. I realized I wasn’t living the life I was supposed to, that I didn’t actually want to be an addict. So I packed it up and I just left town … ended up here, got clean. It sounds simple when I put it like that. There wasn’t anything simple about it. But getting out of Claire’s orbit was the first step. That place—those girls … it just had this feeling … I don’t know if I should say it.
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
I’d like to hear it.
PAUL GOOD [PHONE]:
Like the three of them were doomed. I guess I always knew there wasn’t going to be a happy ending for ’em. When you called me, caught me up on what happened to all of them … I don’t know. I want to say I was surprised but I’m not. But it’s sad. It’s damn sad.
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
Paul, in all the time you were with Claire, she ever mention a Darren?
PAUL GOOD [PHONE]:
Can’t say she did.
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
So you’ve never heard that name before?
PAUL GOOD [PHONE]:
That’s right.
WEST McCRAY:
When I’m done talking to Paul, I give May Beth a call.
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
We’re kind of at a standstill in terms of what more I can do right now.
MAY BETH FOSTER [PHONE]:
What does that mean? You’re giving up?
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
No, it just means I’ve got to dig in and try to find a new lead. If I don’t find one, we’ve got to hope some new developments occur in the meantime.
MAY BETH FOSTER [PHONE]:
Well, that sounds like giving up to me. We don’t have that kind of time. Sadie’s out there, and anything could be—anything could be happening to her—
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
It can take a long time to work a story like this, May Beth. I know that’s not what you want to hear but you’ve got to be patient, okay? You’ve got to be patient.
[LONG PAUSE]
MAY BETH FOSTER [PHONE]:
I might have something.
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
What?
MAY BETH FOSTER [PHONE]:
I might … I might have something that you can use. I don’t know. [PAUSE] I just don’t want to get her in trouble but … but then, if she’s—if she’s already in trouble, and this helps you find her …
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
What is it? What do you know?
MAY BETH FOSTER [PHONE]:
I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want her to get into trouble over this, I just—I want her to be safe. I want her to be here. [PAUSE] But I don’t want her to get in trouble. She’s had it hard enough.
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
Okay … okay, May Beth, do you remember what you said, the very first time you called me?
MAY BETH FOSTER [PHONE]:
I wanted you to help me.
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
Yeah, that’s right, but do you remember how you put it? You told me you didn’t want …
[LONG PAUSE]
MAY BETH FOSTER [PHONE]:
I don’t want another dead girl.
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
So whatever information you’ve been holding on to … you don’t want that to be the difference, between finding her alive and not, do you? If Sadie’s alive, and you think what you know could get her into some kind of trouble, you have to look at it like she’s alive to fix it, you understand? As long as she’s alive, she can fix it. We can fix it.
MAY BETH FOSTER [PHONE]:
I know, but …
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
I can’t find Sadie, let alone help her, if I don’t have all the information. And I have to be able to trust you as I move forward with this. We can take it off the record, if that helps. Do you want to do that?
MAY BETH FOSTER [PHONE]:
Yes. Please.
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
Okay, then that’s what we’ll do.
sadie
Greetings from Sunny L.A.! Wish you were here!
I’m parked on the shoulder, almost clear of Montgomery.
I just needed to stop a minute.
I stare at the postcard, palm trees lining its front.
I turn it over slowly.
Be my good girl, Mats.
The night before Mom left, I was sleeping on the couch. I can’t remember why I wasn’t in my bed, but I wasn’t, and I couldn’t have been waiting up for her because I never did. I was just there, stretched out all wrong, my feet hanging over the arm, my head sunk in the middle of the cushions. She’d been out with one of those men she liked to keep in her back pocket, the kind she could get a drink or a dime from, but didn’t necessarily have to bring home. I woke up to the feel of her fingers lightly petting my hair and I felt so small, like I never did, like I imagine Mattie must have often felt having always been Mom’s favorite.
She reached for the remote and turned the TV on low, going through the channels until she finally gave up. She bent her head close to mine and twisted a strand of my hair around her finger, tucking it absently behind my ear. I remember my muscles tensing at her touch, giving me away, and being so afraid she would stop because of it. She didn’t; we continued the charade. Me, pretending to sleep. Her hands against my forehead, then the soothing carefulness of her fingers combing through my hair. We stayed like that for … it must have been an hour, maybe a little less.
I thought, this is what it feels like to be a daughter.
I thought, God, no wonder Mattie loves Mom.
Then she brought her face close to mine and whispered, “I made you,” in my ear.
That’s when I realized she was sober. My mother wasted was the default. Her sobriety was like a punch in the stomach in the rare event I witnessed it. I wanted her sober all the time, even if she didn’t like me better for it. We stayed like that until I fell asleep for real and in the morning she was gone and I knew. I knew it was forever and I knew there was no way I could explain it to Mattie. She almost didn’t survive it.
But then this … I trace the edges of the postcard.
Just delayed the inevitable.