I blinked rapidly. Don’t cry, you fucking idiot.
“Bailey wasn’t doing so well,” I heard Shelly say. “Allie mentioned they might have to leave early because of it.”
I couldn’t say a word. I needed to get out of this house, or I was liable to do something really ridiculous, like sob or scream or tell the fucking truth.
Colin was talking, then Rose. False words, all of them. Yes, of course we can go. Oh, I hope you feel better. Let’s pretend we care while we pay people to hurt you.
I was bundled into the car. Shelly tried whispering to me, asking me what had happened as I slipped her back the key, but I couldn’t tell her. I barely knew myself.
The drive home was quiet, thank God. I was the chatty one between us, and I was struck mute. Colin didn’t seem to know what to do with that. I couldn’t help him.
I tried to think rationally, as if I’d ever been any good at it. The guy had approached me, out of nowhere, but that wasn’t unusual for the club. I’d gone with him, hadn’t I? Or had he forced me? It had felt forced, but then at the time I’d wanted it that way. I’d said no, I knew that for sure. He hadn’t listened or cared, but that wasn’t all that strange at the club either. Wasn’t it supposed to be, though? Guys were supposed to stop when I said no. I didn’t know where I’d learned that from, but it seemed like it should be true. They should listen. But they didn’t, they didn’t. A sob escaped me.
“Tell me,” Colin said. “What’s wrong?”
I buried my face in my hands. I couldn’t talk, not without breaking apart. And this would be the kind of fracture that couldn’t be taped back together with a fake smile and a smart mouth.
No matter whether it had been rape or not, the guy had singled me out. He had hurt me. And before he’d done those things, he’d been paid by Philip.
Colin’s shock had been real, though. And he had beat the guy up afterward. Both the guy and Colin had confirmed that to me. It had scared me then, the violence, but it comforted me now. Surely Colin hadn’t been involved in hurting me.
Back in Colin’s house, I went on autopilot. A bath first. Then a snack, because Bailey hadn’t gotten enough to eat at dinner. Then bedtime stories. I couldn’t read the words, my eyes weren’t working properly, but I knew them by heart. A few songs and then sleep.
I wanted a shower, but Colin stopped me on the way into the restroom.
“We need to talk,” he said.
Yes, we did.
“Did you mess with Rick?” I asked.
The shock on his face wasn’t that of a man confused but of one caught.
“Allie, I can explain—”
“No,” I said. “Don’t bother. What I want to know is—that guy at the club, the one who fucked me in the parking lot, did you know him?”
“I knew who he was, that’s it. He did some work for Philip, all low-level muscle shit. I barely knew him.”
He must be really worried, I thought acidly, using all those words that sounded like apology but spoke of betrayal.
“Did you pay him to hurt me?” I asked.
“What? No! Jesus, Allie—”
“Did you ask him to hurt me? Did you know he would?”
“No.” Colin held me by the arms and shook me. “Stop this.”
“What was he supposed to do to me?” I asked.
Colin’s hands tightened and then released. It was only a very small hurt, but it was a reminder that he was still a man, after all. I’d do better not to trust him so much.
“I had no idea you even knew that guy until Jim told me someone had taken you out,” Colin said, his voice ragged. “I followed and found…well, fuck. I found him later and roughed him up a little. Told him not to come back around. And I’ve never seen him since.”
His brown eyes implored me, so fucking trustworthy.
What did it mean if he was telling the truth? It meant his brother, Philip, was a lot more of an asshole than I’d previously thought. And a whole lot more dangerous too. Even more so, because Colin seemed to have no idea.
“Allie,” Colin said, a quiet plea.
“I believe you,” I said. “I’m sorry. I just…I’ve been having a rough couple of days.”
I reached my hand out, unsure of my reception, but he took it and pressed it to his face, breathing in my skin.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated. “Let me just shower, and it will be over.”
Now I was the liar, because it would never be over.
But I did shower and climb into bed, where Colin lay still and quiet. He wasn’t sleeping, but we didn’t touch and we didn’t fuck. We lay side by side with our words between us.
The worst part, I feared, was that I could not walk away. Not that I even could leave Colin now, but it was more than that. It wasn’t just a question of whether I’d tell the cop to go take a hike. Philip had sought me out for something, and it was clear that the animosity he felt toward me ran deep. All of a sudden the information I’d stolen seemed a lot more valuable.