I should have bristled at the command, but I really had no desire to ever talk to them again. And I was drained. “Okay.”
Bailey’s soft cry crackled from the baby monitor. Up from her nap, and life goes on. I pulled away. Colin clung to me for a beat and then released me.
In that sort of dulled state that comes from falling apart, I retrieved Bailey from her bed and set her up with a bowl of watermelon chunks in the kitchen as I finished baking the cookies. Dinner was a quiet affair. Neither Colin nor I had any words left. Bailey seemed to take her cue from him, peppering the silence with subdued grunts and eating little. I regaled Bailey with outrageous stories, slapstick versions of her favorite books complete with silly voices, through dinner. I put her to bed early, which of course only made her stay up extra late, tossing restlessly in her bed until sleep overcame her.
Colin was somewhere in the house but not in his room. Our room, I reminded myself. Exhausted, I stripped down to my underwear and collapsed on the bed.
When I woke, it was dark in the room. Strong hands cradled me, and I cuddled up to a hard chest. I craved Colin for the reassurance that he was here, that he would stay. I trailed my hand down, but he caught it in his.
“Not tonight.”
“You don’t want me?”
“Always, Allie, but…it’s not right. Later.” Even though he was right, I felt the sting of rejection. He pulled me close to him, holding my hand. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
I didn’t have nightmares about what had happened with Andrew, not even right after it happened. Or maybe I did, but I never remembered any of my dreams. So I wasn’t really prepared for when Colin started tossing around in the middle of the night.
He jerked against the tangled sheets and mumbled, “No…leave her…”
I’d done this. I shook his shoulder firmly to wake him.
“Colin. It’s all right. Wake up. Everyone is fine.”
He blinked up at me blearily. “Allie?”
“Yeah, it’s me. You were dreaming.”
“Won’t let him hurt you again.”
“I know. I know. Shhh.”
Then he crushed me to him with both arms and slipped right back to sleep. I wasn’t sure he had woken at all, even though he spoke to me. My arms were trapped by my sides, and my neck was tilted awkwardly, but I held myself still. This was the way he’d put me. I needed to be able to do this small thing for him, have my body be the way he wanted it. I just closed my eyes and tried to will comfort from my body into his.
When I woke up again, it was still dark in the night that would never end. Colin thrust between my legs. He was inside me and over me and everywhere. It wasn’t fear or discomfort I felt, but relief. Gratitude that he was letting me do this for him. But he was muttering, “I’m sorry. Sorry.” I roused myself enough to mumble, “It’s okay,” and spread my legs wider, and he quieted. I understood why he was apologizing, though, because he didn’t even seem to have control of his own body. It was like his hips were thrusting of their own accord, and the rest of his body just had to go along with it. Each thrust was deep and strong, and with an unsteady but deliberate rhythm. It felt like being claimed, like being marked, protected, and I could hardly describe how that felt different from regular sex, except that I knew it when I felt it.
The irony is that I felt more owned, more controlled, than I ever had during the rough sex I’d craved with other men. He was telling me that I was his—that he couldn’t stop it and neither could I, so it was damned convenient that neither one of us wanted to. I don’t know how long he went on this way, but I could have taken him forever. My body was already relaxed and pliant from sleep, and I made no effort to change that.
When he came, he groaned my name and then shuddered over me, clutching me to him. I didn’t try to push into him, or away, just yielded completely to whatever shape he gave me.
Chapter Four
The light of the morning teased me, shadows dancing from behind my closed eyelids. Still feeling the lethargy from the night, I opened my eyes to…orange.
Orange fur.
“Goddamn it.” I bolted up from the bed, away from the orange hairball curled up on the pillow next to me. I was still gaping at the cat when Colin walked in and stroked my ass. Only then did I realize I was completely naked in the middle of the bedroom while Colin had dressed.
He fitted his body to mine, my back to his front, and nuzzled his face into my hair.
I pointed at the intruder. “The cat. It’s yours?”
Colin didn’t even look up before he murmured into the side of my neck. “Figured it was yours.”
“So, wait. Did you let it in?”
He nodded.
I pulled away from Colin, and he groaned in protest. “Sorry,” I said. “But this cat is leaving.”