“Yeah, and with all the shit I’ve been through, I want to use what I’ve learnt and help her not make the same mistakes.” I blew out a long, frustrated breath.
She started unpacking the groceries and putting them away. Erika never could stay still for very long; she was always on the go. “Tell me something; if someone had advised you not to do the things you did that ended up being mistakes, would you have listened to them?”
“Maybe.”
She stopped what she was doing and trained her eyes on me. “Bullshit.”
Why did she always have to be right? Begrudgingly, I admitted, “Okay, so maybe not.”
“How about, definitely not? You were a handful; so determined to get into all kinds of shit. And don’t even get me started on the stuff you did after Gabriella -”
I cut her off right there. Fury circled the room. It reached into my soul and forced its way into my mind. As hard as I tried to control it, to stop it gaining any power over me, there was no way I could. I was no match for it. I towered over Erika and let the fury explode out of me and shatter around us. “She does not exist to me so don’t fucking say her name. Ever. Again.”
I remained standing over her, panting heavy breaths and trying desperately to get my shit together. My mind was a mess of thoughts; thoughts I didn’t fucking want in there. Thoughts I’d spent years jamming into the dark recesses to avoid them. My chest tightened into a painful knot of heaviness and the demons beckoned from hell, calling my name with a lustful resonance .
I needed to get out of here.
Now.
But I couldn’t.
Fuck.
I shoved my hand through my hair and attempted to calm my breathing. This day started off bad and had quickly escalated to completely fucked.
“I’m sorry.” Erika snapped me out of my inner turmoil and forced my attention back to reality.
My eyes darted to hers and I processed the distressed look on her face.
She laid her hand on my arm.
Gentle.
Soothing.
Calming.
I focused on breathing.
In. Out. In. Out.
“Nash.” She tried to reach me but I was still clawing my way out of the abyss.
Give me a minute. I’m nearly there.
I sensed movement behind me; sensed another presence in the room. Noise and talking. But I couldn’t drag myself out yet.
And then arms wrapped around me from behind.
Love.
Tenderness.
Carla.
I forced out a long, harsh breath and gulped for air.
“Fuck,” I muttered.
Carla squeezed me, not wanting to let me go. I placed my hands on her arms. “It’s okay. I’m okay. You can let me go now.”
“You sure?” She hesitated.
“Yeah.”
Her arms released me and I turned to face her. She looked as distressed as Erika had. Worry coloured her face and I hated that I’d put it there. Me and my shit. I pulled her into a rough embrace. My hand cupped the back of her neck, and my lips brushed across her forehead.
We held each other for a moment and then she looked up into my eyes. “You need to deal with that once and for all.”
“I have.”
She shook her head. “No, you haven’t, Nash. And it’s time you started being honest with yourself about it.” Her voice held no judgement; there was only love there. And for that, I couldn’t be mad at her.
***
An hour later, I wandered back into the kitchen. I’d just spent the last forty minutes working on Mum’s car.
Erika was cooking dinner and gave me her attention for a moment. “All fixed?”
“Yeah, but there will be something else next week. That car is a piece of junk and she needs to get a new one.”
“She won’t spend the money, you know that.” She told me something I already knew.
“One day it’ll disappear out of her garage and there will be a new one in it’s place. I’m not a mechanic anymore and the only engine I want to work on is my own.”
“You can’t just replace her car, Nash. She loves that -”
“Piece of shit,” I finished her sentence, and then continued, “You watch me.”
She fell silent for a moment before asking, “What time is Jamison arriving?”
I watched her juggle stirring the casserole and scrolling on her phone. “What the fuck are you doing?” I eventually asked.
She hit me with a dirty look. “I’m trying to see what the next thing is to add to this casserole. And you didn’t answer my question.”
Our brother was always late. “He’ll be here soon,” I answered as I walked towards her. “What are you cooking?”
“That beef casserole that Mum likes.”
I peered into the pot and then eyed her. “Seriously? You need to read the recipe to make that?”
Another dirty look from her. “You want to make it?”
Leaning my back against the bench, I muttered, “Well I sure as shit wouldn’t need the recipe. By the looks of it, you need to add the mushrooms now.”
She continued to scowl at me, but did as I suggested before saying, “Mum doesn’t like Carla’s boyfriend either. You know that, right?”
“I figured. Not sure why she lets him in the house though.”