But now I’m all panicky and trying to stay calm for Ronan’s sake. I keep thinking about all the things Mack said and how she joked we might have to join the circus after. All I can picture is me morphing into something completely unrecognizable. Already, I feel huge and I’m paranoid Ronan’s going to think so too.
Logically, I know I’m worrying over nothing. When he sees me naked, he’s all over me. Even more so than usual. He hasn’t said so, but I think he likes the sight of me pregnant with his baby. He tells everyone when we see them. He might as well be walking around with a banner that proclaims he got me pregnant.
He pulls into the parking lot of the doctor’s office and cuts the engine. But before he can get out, I reach over and take his hand in mine.
“I’m nervous,” I tell him. “I know you are too.”
My hand trembles, and my voice is hoarse when I speak. “I’ve been trying to stay strong, because I know this whole thing really freaks you out. But I’m freaked out too, Ronan.”
He frowns, and then pulls away from me, stepping out of the car. The dam almost breaks loose right then when I think he’s going to remind me that we have a schedule to keep. But instead, he walks around to my side and pulls me out of the car.
He wraps his arms around me and kisses my face. I’m shaking with nerves and he’s completely cool and calm now. I didn’t expect that. Since we found out and his first reaction, I thought I would have to tread lightly the whole pregnancy. Give him information in little bits and never tell him any of my fears.
But right now, this man holding me isn’t the same one who walked out on me that day. This man is my protector. Rock-solid and cool-headed and exactly what I need in this moment.
“Sasha.” He murmurs between kisses. “Ye don’t need to handle me with kid gloves. It’s my job to care for and protect you. Always. If ye’re nervous, I want ye to tell me so. I might not have the right words, but I’ll try.”
I shake my head and a few tears leak out of my eyes.
“I know,” I tell him. “I should have just told you. I’ve just been worried that I’m going to freak you out if I say anything.”
“I’m already freaked out,” he admits. “But I’m not going anywhere. I wouldn’t ever have any notion to. The only place I want to be is here with you. And I don’t think ye have any reason to worry. Ye’re going to do a grand job of this, I’ve no doubts about that.”
“But Mack said we’re going to look like circus freaks,” I sob.
Ronan frowns again and shakes his head. “That isn’t possible, Sasha. Ye’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever had the good fortune of seeing. That isn’t going to change. No matter how many babies I put inside of you.”
“Then I’m going to be a bad mother,” I whine.
“Sasha,” Ronan’s voice grows stern. “Ye’re stalling now.”
“So what?” I argue. “I don’t want to go inside. I think I’m going to have a heart attack. Feel it. It’s going crazy in there.”
I’m not lying about that. I’m right in the middle of a panic attack. I don’t know why, only that I’m so frigging nervous.
Ronan leans down and cups my face in his hands. “Do the counting thing you do,” he says. “I’ll help if you want.”
“You know about that?” I blink up at him as I clutch at my chest.
“Aye,” he answers. “I know everything there is to know about you.”
I’m still focusing on that little tidbit when he grabs my hand and tilts my chin up. “How does it go, exactly? Five things, right?”
“Right,” I answer.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, the scent of Ronan calming me a little.
“Roasted pine nuts and malt liquor,” I whisper. “That’s you.”
Another breath. I open my eyes and meet his, soft and steady and sure.
“Dark chocolate.”
I take another breath, and he kisses me again. When he pulls away, I can still taste him on my tongue. “Mint.”
“Two more,” he encourages.
My breathing has calmed already, and I feel better, but I like that he’s doing this with me. So I continue. The sounds of Boston are all around us. The cars and the people and the usual noise. But the only thing that resonates as I press my face against his chest is him. “Heartbeat.”
Ronan takes our connected hands and moves them both over my belly, and he finishes the last one for me.
“Our baby.”
Chapter Forty-Six
Ronan
Over the course of my life, I think I’ve been in a doctor’s office only once. When I was still a young lad and Crow’s mammy forced me to go.
I don’t like these places. They remind me of the dungeon in the basement at Slainte. The one where I handle the clients.
That thought is only confirmed when I spot the table they want to put Sasha up on. I reach out and grab her arm to stop her, but then I remember how out of sorts she was in the parking lot. She doesn’t need my worries added to hers.