Second stall to the right and straight on till morning.
I giggled quietly as I reached toward the roll of toilet paper, resting my hand against the silvery plate above it. Tiny electrodes dotted its cold surface. My mind grew silent and I concentrated, releasing a light stream of psychic energy through my fingertips. Suddenly the wall behind me opened and the toilet spun around. I found myself facing a black-walled mine shaft, and smiled. Only Andor Manchild would build a secret entrance like this. Andy had a flair for the abnormal.
The toilet rolled forward into the shaft and jerked to a stop. The wall closed silently behind me, and I remembered too late that I had forgotten the most important part of the ride. Again. Tinny theme park music suddenly blasted me from all sides. I gripped the seat just in time. The toilet dropped abruptly through the floor, shooting water everywhere. I plummeted down, my hair in my face, and my stomach in my throat. Warm wind and black rock and the smell of creosote rushed past me. I squealed with a mixture of terror and joy, clenching the toilet seat, wondering why Andy’s twisted sense of technology didn’t include seat belts. Air brakes hissed and the toilet came to a jarring halt, splashing the remaining water into the air like a geyser, drenching my entire southern hemisphere.
A metallic voice echoed from hidden speakers, “I hope you enjoyed the ride. Please exit to the left.”
“Eeeewwww,” I said in disgust, standing up. My saturated jeans were cold and clinging. I forced my legs apart as I duckwalked away from the toilet. Now deep beneath the library floor, the air was surprisingly warm. The shaft I had just come down disappeared above me into blackness. The water that didn’t manage to marinate my clothes lay in a clear puddle around the toilet behind me.
“Better than last time,” I said to the wall. My voice echoed in the distance.
The shadowy tunnel ahead of me was framed in huge wooden beams bolted together with black iron plates. I rubbed my hand across the coal wall, and it came away clean. Illuminated by a single yellow bulb, a sign hung against the wall. It read:
Old Salem Academy of Psi Fighters
Vanquish Evil
Do Right
Protect the Innocent
Tacked to the bottom of the sign, a small paper with scribbled handwriting said:
…and Always Flush First
Something in the shadows caught my eye, and a chill went down my spine. I decided it was because I was drenched. Then the shadow moved and a low, rumbling laugh echoed down the length of the tunnel. In the darkness, a large, diabolical figure dressed in black armor leaned against the wall, staring at me, breathing like Darth Vader. His eyes reflected the yellow light.
I smiled. “Hi, Andy. Trying to sneak up on me again?”
“I am master of stealth,” Andy said in a deep voice as he stepped slowly, menacingly into the light. “I am one with the darkness, silent as dust.”
“You are dusty.”
“I can do that stealth stuff, too.” Andy looked at my pants and smiled. “Forget to flush again?”
“I was, like, in a hurry, okay?”
“Hey, you know, like, no Valley Girl talk down here, you dig?”
I cringed. “Valley Girl and Burned-Out Hippie are a really bad combination. Although it suits you. Ready for class?”
“It’s what I live for.” He cocked his head to the side as though something had occurred to him. “Only water this time?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s an improvement, then, isn’t it?”
“Uh huh,” I said, remembering the only other time I had forgotten to flush. It was a long time ago, and I was in a massive hurry, and, well, it was embarrassing.
I glanced up at the inscription carved into the polished wood of a massive overhead beam.
NO ONE MAY ENTER EXCEPT BY INVITATION.
Andy reached up and touched the engraving. “We need a human skull hanging there, don’t you think?”
“Or a bottle of Mummy’s Magic Mix.”
“Bad day at school again?”
“Normal day at school again.”
“Let’s go take it out on some unsuspecting Academy students. Then you can tell me how your new mission is going.”
“Better than the last one.”
“Life is just full of surprises.” Andy pinched his nose shut. “Tell me, did you brush your teeth today?”
“Ha ha.”
Andy clapped his hands. Bright halogen lights instantly illuminated a long tunnel with hand-waxed wooden beams and a polished anthracite floor.
I buried my face in my hands. “Please don’t tell me you installed a clapper.”
“Light switches are so yesterday.”
I walked beside Andy through the tunnel, which seemed to go on forever. The place was incredibly clean and well lit for an abandoned mine that, according to official city records, didn’t exist. Occasional passages shot off to the left or right. A steel door sealed one passage, a red neon sign above it reading K-Mart. Behind the door lay Andy’s home away from home, the tech lab where he invented our gadgets. James Bond had Q. We had Andor Manchild. Q was way more normal.